He said it’s over

[FeelingSad2018]

So tonight my DP of 2 1/2 years (lived together for nearly 2 years) has told me that “things aren’t the same anymore”, “he doesn’t know what he wants to do”, “he wants to break up” and he “still loves me”.

I’m gutted as I thought things were going well, we’re always talking about the future and when we’ll get married, have kids, etc.

For context, he is being made redundant and doesn’t know he wants to do with his life. He left uni three years ago and has admitted to “struggling with grown up life” and adapting to living away from his friends. He’s previously struggled with depression and taken medication for it and mentioned a few months ago that he thought he was getting depressed again.

I think he’s having a quarter-life crisis and have asked him to not make any decisions before his job situation is sorted out (should be a few weeks)

He said that by talking to me he feels a weight has been lifted and can only see breaking up as the way forward.

What do I do? How do I get through everything if we do break up? We’ve gone to bed as usual tonight, had a cuddle and he told me he loves me.

trojanpony's advice is very sound, OP, it will hurt you less in the long run (and even in the medium term) if you take control now and actually finish the relationship yourself. You know that he's going to finish it anyway so why must you wait for the hammer to fall?

End it quickly, cleanly and don't look back. There is happiness out there for you, just a bit of housekeeping for you to do first...

Totally agree with Trojan. A clean break is what you should go for. No waiting around for a few weeks until he gets up to god know what, makes up his mnd while you feel like shit wondering if he’ll come back or not! Tell him to do one OP.

You sound quite young which is a good thing. People change a lot in their early twenties. Relationships end. It sounds like he just doesn't want to do this anymore and I think you should respect that and make a clean break now.

Imagine if he decides he wants to be with you. Will you really be happy? Or will you always be wondering if he still wants to end it?

I have experienced this before and feel like once one person says they want out, there's really no way back, unless they really really show you they have changed their mind.

I would let him go. Use the time to focus on you. Grow as a single person. You will meet someone else and might look back on this as a blessing.

Are you sure there’s nobody else? When my ex pulled a similar stunt on me, a lot of things about his past behaviour started to make sense... turns out he’d been shagging various women behind my back the whole time.

OP,
Please read up about living with someone who has depression.

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do if you, have children etc.

It CAN rule your future life, now and in the very long term.. if your relationship can survive that long

I speak from experience

He sounds selfish and immature, enjoying the ‘relief’ of dumping you with a cuddle, to comfort him - not giving a fuck about confusing you when you feel broken.

Selfish, selfish man. It doesn’t matter what he’s ‘going through’, he has shown his true colours as someone very weak and self-interested.

Don’t dawdle around waiting and begging. Agree with PPs - end this swiftly, take control. Anyone who treats you so casually is not good enough for you.

If nothing else, it will shock him, and give you some power back. Take away the warm cuddles which he wants to comfort him through breaking your heart.

A bit of an update -

We went to the doctors last week and he’s been put back on his old antidepressants. We’ve also been referred for counselling and are in the waiting list for that.

Last week was a bit tough, I was very up and down in my emotions, cross at him for being so selfish, then feeling sorry for him as he’s been acting so out of character it’s obviously his depression talking and not him.

I’ve done a lot of reading about depression and everything says that life changing decisions should not be made whilst someone is clinically depressed. I’ve also had conversations with his mum (he is aware of this) about his behaviours and how best to support him.

I know it’s early days but it really seems like we have turned a corner this weekend. He’s been acting like he used to months ago and is saying that we’ll work through this and come out stronger. I’m hoping that’ll be the case.

The priority for now is him getting better. Then we’ll need to have a review of what happened/triggers/signs etc. to make sure that if something like this happens again we can recognise it and take action to prevent it ever getting this bad.

I’d be interested to hear tips from anyone who has lived through something similar and managed to come out the other side.

What's with the We OP, this is his issue, you seem to have taken on the role of rescuer and doctor and after him dumping you as well; show him you are not going to be his kick in the leg girl for when he feels like throwing you away like a piece of discarded paper, wise up girl, depressed or not you can't just accept his hot and cold attitude towards you! It's life, he will deal with it, and if he can't deal with normal life stresses then he certainly can't cope with a relationship, 2.5 years and it's like this, he should be showering you with compliments and making you feel important to him, he's doing the opposite.

Just cos he feels depressed doesn't give him the right to treat you like nothing.

Just read your last post, fine and dandy, just do not allow him to use you like this as either someone to kick when he's down or someone to sort his life out, he's a bloody grown up!

Just make sure you're not wasting your precious twenties 'rescuing' someone that is not going to be there for the long haul. Now is really the time to put yourself first. Speaking from experience, by the way.

I would leave and be selfish. If it's meant to be it might work out in a few years.

All that hard work so young? Christ. You will become a second mummy, not a partner. Leave him to sort his own MH out or you'll be worn down and walking on eggshells in case you 'trigger' him.

You're way too young for this OP. Let him go and find someone who isn't like warm about you. Wouldn't be surprised if his depression was triggered by feeling trapped in a life and relationship he no longer wants.

With you speaking to his mother, he must feel incredible guilt about wanting to break up. I don't think that's fair at all.