Husband got up and walked

[thesix]

I met my husband when we were 19, we’re now in our mid-30’s so I’ve known him most of my adult life. Our relationship had the standard ups and downs but nothing too crazy. He has a hard time keeping a job - In the past two years he has probably only worked a couple of months. Reasons range from lying on his cv (this was a low point) and being caught, to short term things coming to a natural end. I’ve always stuck by him and supported us both when things got really tight. I’m not saying I didn’t have the odd nag about finding something else but by in large I kept it to myself.
2 weeks ago out of the blue he told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. We hadn’t had an argument or anything, he just said it. And then left. And 2 weeks have gone by and I haven’t seen him since. I went into his phone account and saw he had been calling another girl for hours at a time early in the morning and late at night so I am sure that this has something to do with it all. He won’t admit that though and again without any argument has just stopped talking to me altogether. He did say he told this girl I went into his phone records and she was going to call the police.
I am struggling so badly to come to terms with how this all unfolded and why this has happened. I can’t reallt understand why he isn’t speaking to me like I did something wrong; the couple of conversations have been so cold where he has instructed me our marriage is over and I’ve to detail what I’d like and he wants me to sign divorce papers.
I just feel like I will never be able to move past this terrible time - I can’t eat or sleep or concentrate on anything and I just ultimately want him to come home. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and not wake back up but I know anything like that is silly. I know it’s my emotions playing tricks with me but it’s just how I feel. please help, any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

So sorry to hear this. I've been through quite similar in the past, right down to the checking of the phone records, and found an affair also. Honestly, walk away and be thankful to be rid...I know it hurts like hell right now but I promise one day it won't anymore, and the sooner you start that process of letting go, the quicker that day will come.

Take your time before doing anything including divorce papers. Are you renting with a secure tenancy or ast?

Thank you 🙏🏻 both. I have emailed back to say I can’t stomach talking about divorce until I am on a more level playing field mentally. We own a house but it’s only his name on the mortgage. it is a marital home though as we used to rent a flat before we bought this - it was in his name because he owned a business. I’m currently still here as we have an elderly dog and my husband has just walked away.
In his formal email he suggested that he would have the dog put to sleep and that he would like sole access to the house for 2-3 days per week however I’ve no idea where I am meant to go for 2-3 days per week. i work nearby and he is currently unemployed.

Put your dog to sleep?! What a total cunt!

Get a good divorce solicitor, make sure you get your fair share and keep him away from your dog!

Literally the first thing I said was do not even think about organising a vet to come here. He thankfully agreed. The old guy is at that age but I’m just not ready to let go and not for a circumstance other than it being 100% for him (the dog).

You have rights to the matrimonial home anyway, but particularly as it sounds you have paid the mortgage. Stay in the property, don't move out because you wont know whats going on. Sounds as though he is going to sell it without telling you. When you feel up to it, make an app with a matrimonial solicitor. See if you can get a fixed fee for an hour consult just so they can give you an idea of what you should be entitled to. I think you are entitled to at least half the house but it very much depends on the figures. You can get a notice put on the land registry under the matrimonial homes act which will prevent him selling the property from underneath you. Do that as soon as you can if nothing else because you need to look after yourself financially. Best not to put any trust in him or rely on anything he says as he has already been dishonest. Good luck, it sounds as though you have had a tough time with him, I hope things go better for you moving forwards.

OP - in time you’ll see this as a blessing. You are still young enough and will move on.
A man who keeps not hanging on to a job, lies on his CV, and leaves like this - really - you dodged a bullet.
And now he is some other woman’s dead weight.

Don’t move out of the house - not for any days a week. It’s a marital asset and will be treated as such in divorce. And - given that you don’t mention kids - most likely you’ll be splitting all assets 50/50.

So - hang on there. It will get better once the shock wears off.

By the way, get as much financial info about him that you can like savings, get the house valued, copies of bank accounts and things. V useful when talking to a solicitor.

Ive never posted here so I’m not sure how to tag but jon66, thank you. I will do that. I’m a really gentle person - I don’t like any form of conflict and I equally couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was doing something unfair. All the doormat qualities that I know he will try to exploit. Really the house is all we have and now that he is unemployed again (as of 2 days before he decided he didn’t want to be married) the only place he has to stay. However he won’t come home so I guess he is staying somewhere. I’ve gone through thinking he was depressed and worrying about him to being told I have not to lead myself on thinking that as he is fine, I’m just not to his taste.
When I write all the messed up things I’ve been told down I feel like I’m going to be ok... so again, thank you.

If house is in his name you need to register a Notice against it at Land Registry (matrimonial homes act notice I think it's called) to stop him dealing with it to your detriment.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/applications-under-the-family-law-act-1996/practice-guide-20-applications-under-the-family-law-act-1996
He can't make you move out for a couple of days a week. Don't go anywhere or you'll find the locks changed when you try to re-enter.

You are married that means you have rights to the house and it sounds like you have been the one paying for it anyway. Get yourself to a solicitor ASAP. Do not leave the house. Cannot believe what he said about the dog!! I really don’t like this man!

Bloody hell, you poor thing 💐

He did say he told this girl I went into his phone records and she was going to call the police

...wait for them to finish laughing. ‘Mr Policeman, I want you to arrest this woman! The man I’m fucking, his wife, she’s gone into his phone account’....’Errr, yes....and?!’ Dim witted bint. I don’t know what she’s got going for her, but it’s not brains.

You have to get angry. Stop worrying about him & feeling sorry for him and get properly angry. He’s treat you like a complete muppet & now he’s being nasty. He’s had his head turned and now thinks he’s god’s gift & you’ll just have to do as he says. Fuck that.

Get the locks changed...people will say you can’t...but gee it’s simply safer when you’ve lost your keys isn’t it?!

Get all the financial info you can together & store it at a friends house.

Get a shit hot Solicitor.

Do NOT move out of the house. He can want it to himself all likes, but it’s tough shit, that’s not how it works.

I’d call around the local vets, tell them you’re worried about your DH as he appears to be losing his marbles and is on about having your dog PTS & if he brings him in, please not to do it.

You HAVE to toughen up, he’s no longer the man you married and he will not look out for you in all of this, so YOU have to. You can do it 💐

Get a lawyer. Now. Do not let him take advantage of you. You have rights. You don't have to be mean but you need to look out for yourself. Please. Be safe.

He is not your friend any more, be very cautious about agreeing to anything he suggests.

Get onto the Land Registry ASAP.
Get a solicitor ASAP
Don't move out of the house, not even for a few days as he suggests.
Gather together as much financial information about him as possible.

Start keeping a detailed journal about all your interactions with him.
Only contact him via email so you can print out all correspondence between the two of you.

Gather together records that prove you have supported him/paid the mortgage etc.

Don't worry about the police and phone records.

Keep your chin up, it's horrible just now, but you will get through this.

Break this down.
He has done you a massive favour. One day you will see this.
And for his gf or whatever she is going to the police I've never heard anything so fucking stupid.
Get your finances in order, speak to a solicitor or CAB.
One day you will look back and laugh at this sorry excuse of a man.

My piece of shit ex once threw at me that he knew I was mental because some pub landlads had said so and agreed and this would back up the stupid police and SS report's he wad going to make.
Ignore the pathetic shit and focus on being free from a man who cant hold a job down.
I promise you, you will look back and laugh.

*landladys

Totally agree with all that has been said and I don’t really have much to add apart from I really really LOVE something Annie said................loose your keys and get the locks changed. Bloody brilliant.
If he wants a key tell him no as you don’t trust him not to have the dog PTS .
And get your self a shit hot solicitor. Get angry and stop being afraid of confrontation. This bloke has cheated on you, tried to murder your doggy and now, wants to take advantage of your nice , gentle personality so he can bring his stupid girlfriend to YOUR house and shag her ( he will do this if you let him).
DONT LET HIM. Stay put, and get everything you can. You bloody deserve it since you have worked for it.
Good luck. Now put on those big girl pants and show him your backbone.

Agree with everything that has been said here. Find your anger op. You have been treated terribly.

He is being cold to you because he wants you to feel like it's your fault, so he can feel better about himself.

Don't let him know that your hurting. Youve shown a chink in your armour saying you can't talk about divorce as your hurting.
Just calmly respond, be as strong as you can pretend to be xxxx

Hope u find the strength to take the great advice given to you xx

Don't move out of the house at all. Just because you're not named on the mortgage doesn't mean you have no rights as you're married. I'd actually get the locks changed to ensure he can't get in and do anything stupid.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the responses and advice. I know you don’t know me but it’s given me just that little bit of hope that I’m not doing anything wrong and need to keep going. @annieanonimouser - LOL

It’s just so difficult to go from everything being normal and thinking you’d probably have a family soon to not doing anything wrong and your whole world falling out from under you. I think as well as my marriage I am grieving a family I didn’t yet have but thought I would if I were lucky enough. I need to snap out of it and pick myself up and move on, thank you again to everyone who replied

So sorry to hear what you are going through I find men can be particularly cruel at times in the way they deal with things. It's going to be so hard for you but take each day at a time..try and keep busy and maybe start a new hobby or something new where you can make new friends.

yep just reiterating what the other ladies have said, you need a damn good divorce lawyer. Your husband has been cheating on you, and he knows it can be used against him.

Keep all emails, text any communication between the two of you ensure that it is in writing. Do not speak to him no matter how much he wants too.

If your old boy is not on deaths door he does not need to PTS, as a fourlegged mommy you will know when it is time.

GET a SOLICITOR and have hubby deal with solicitor and not you, he needs to learn from the word go that you are not a pushover. If you have been contributing to the mortgage and can prove it then you will get at least 50% if not more depending on who has been putting the most into the mortgage. A friend of mine is going through similar and any coms is via her solicitor.

Do not let him mentally break you down, he has been cheating and is probably living with the madam too.

The next steps you take and how you go forward in this very difficult time will determine how you allow yourself to be treated.

As for "a family" this gives you time to find someone who is so right for you and someone who will be the best partner and dad to have in your life. Trust me you will find someone more deserving and you will have your happy ending. You have such a big adventure ahead of you and you will get over this difficult time just do not let him walk all over you. He deserves every little bit of hassle you can cause him.

Change the locks as the other ladies have said if he wants anything ensure that someone is there with the two of you when he comes to collect his belongings i.e. family member or police.

Protect yourself mentally and financially do not be a pushover. I know it is easy to say but you need to get angry now. It is obvious he has left you for another woman. Do not talk to him verbally everything has to be in writing you need to cover yourself at every opportunity and do not communicate with the trollop even if she tries too.