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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband got up and walked

40 replies

thesix · 05/04/2018 23:17

I met my husband when we were 19, we’re now in our mid-30’s so I’ve known him most of my adult life. Our relationship had the standard ups and downs but nothing too crazy. He has a hard time keeping a job - In the past two years he has probably only worked a couple of months. Reasons range from lying on his cv (this was a low point) and being caught, to short term things coming to a natural end. I’ve always stuck by him and supported us both when things got really tight. I’m not saying I didn’t have the odd nag about finding something else but by in large I kept it to myself.
2 weeks ago out of the blue he told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. We hadn’t had an argument or anything, he just said it. And then left. And 2 weeks have gone by and I haven’t seen him since. I went into his phone account and saw he had been calling another girl for hours at a time early in the morning and late at night so I am sure that this has something to do with it all. He won’t admit that though and again without any argument has just stopped talking to me altogether. He did say he told this girl I went into his phone records and she was going to call the police.
I am struggling so badly to come to terms with how this all unfolded and why this has happened. I can’t reallt understand why he isn’t speaking to me like I did something wrong; the couple of conversations have been so cold where he has instructed me our marriage is over and I’ve to detail what I’d like and he wants me to sign divorce papers.
I just feel like I will never be able to move past this terrible time - I can’t eat or sleep or concentrate on anything and I just ultimately want him to come home. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and not wake back up but I know anything like that is silly. I know it’s my emotions playing tricks with me but it’s just how I feel. please help, any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2018 09:23

You need to say seven words to him only (ideally text them so you can prove he got them).

'All Communication Is Now Through My Solicitor.' And give him the name of the very shit hot solicitor who will help you to get what is due to you. Moving out of the house for 2/3 days! I never heard such a thing! Presumably he hasn't told his new woman that he can't keep a job and has a current wife, and wants her to come round when you're not there? Wonder how he'd explain away all your clothes and belongings?

They deserve each other. You deserve a man with a future. But start off with getting angry (I'm angry on your behalf!) and getting what is due to you.

Beelzebop · 11/04/2018 02:43

Wow! I am really sorry that he's done this to you! I can't really add to the excellent advice given. Just wanted to say that he sounds so cold. Do not trust anything he does. And good luck, stay put x.

thesix · 26/04/2018 22:43

Cut to 4 weeks later on our wedding anniversary I guess I had hoped he would speak with me. He didn’t. Instead a friend of a friend (virtually a stranger) had seen him walking hand in hand with another girl. I immediately got my back up and texted him about it, really text him. I said if he wouldn’t speak to me I was going to have to call his mum.

He called me and he basically screamed at me for 50 minutes about how he wasn’t doing anything wrong. People were talking rubbish and they are terrible friends to do that on my anniversary. In addition he was just almost talking nonsense - none of this is his fault, it’s my decision if I chose to be upset, he hasn’t treated my badly, I’m a selfish 🐮 for staying in the house when I could stay at my parents... I came off totally bewildered. Is it possible he has had a mental breakdown?
I have had to warn everyone I know not to rub him up the wrong way by basically telling them I am completely fine. I’m not really but I’m scared of what he’d do and also worried that he had had some kind of mental snap and that I should be trying to take care of him/ be his friend?

I’m all over the place

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 26/04/2018 22:49

What has your solicitor said about possession of/rights over the house given you’ve been supporting your dh and paying for the house for however long?

thesix · 26/04/2018 22:52

The solicitor advised me to stay in the property, so I won’t be going anywhere. My husband will definitely run out of money soon as I think he has been in hotels.

OP posts:
SeasonalVag · 26/04/2018 22:56

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The appearance of a breakdown is pretty common, coming as I do from a position where every single member of my family has, at some point, had an affair

I remember my mum losing sleep over my dads mental health....nope he was shagging his colleague.

IME people who have breakdowns are more vulnerable not less and I’ve bever heard of anybody walking out because of one. So scrub that idea and just crack on with putting yourself first. Your only duty is to get through the next few months in a good a state as possible.

I left my first dh at 32 and was devastated. By 35 I was married and pregnant with dh#2. You will get through this, and you will rebuild your life. But, no, I bet you anything he’s not having an affair

SeasonalVag · 26/04/2018 22:57

Because of his mental health
(Sorry pressed send too soon)

C0untDucku1a · 26/04/2018 22:58

Why would you
Not assume he was with the other woman?

VerbenaBorensis · 26/04/2018 23:13

Sounds to me that he's just pissed off at being seen with her and that the person who saw them told you! One small thing to consider-is yr dog licensed under yr name also at vets.

thesix · 26/04/2018 23:35

Thank you, I really really appreciate this response. And to know your story too - gives everyone hope for the future!

OP posts:
thesix · 26/04/2018 23:37

Because she’s a waitress in a coffee shop near our house - from looking at Facebook she lives with her parents. I don’t imagine he would be staying there.

He was definitely pissed off at being caught but completely denied it and knew who it was who has told me so he was talking very aggressively about them. I had to talk down the situation and just agree with him because I don’t want to get this other person in any bother.

OP posts:
NotEntirelyWhelmed · 26/04/2018 23:43

OP have a look at this website. It might help.

www.runawayhusbands.com

Mrstobe90 · 26/04/2018 23:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

He truly sounds like an utter shit.

He broke your heart and is making out like you're being unreasonable? Karma will eventually catch up with him and his fling with her won't last.

For now, look after yourself. Take time to grieve, pamper yourself and find new hobbies!

Mary1935 · 27/04/2018 00:27

Hi Op you sound lovely and he's a SHIT - you must be very upset. How cruel people can be. He never said he wasn't happy did he. He's using his aggression to bully you. Do not communicate with him. Go through a solicitor. Don't move out. 🌺

gillybeanz · 27/04/2018 00:49

Please, first thing change the locks as you lost your keys.
Ask him when he's coming for his stuff and then block him when you have your answer.
Find a good solicitor and register the house against him selling it.
If t was me I'd want a quick divorce to get away from the failure.
Just look at what he has replaced you with. Thanks

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