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Original poster

I've hurt her and her trust

50 replies

Crzycambs · 05/04/2018 20:48

Me and my girlfriend have been together 5 and a half years, I love her more than anything else but I make silly mistakes.

I found out 3 years ago that she was offended when I got off to porn, she basically kicked off, cried slot and stopped talking to me for a day. We had a big chat the next day, and I told her I would stop watching porn as it affected her.

Being the fool I am I eventually broke that promise, she knew as she's not stupid. Recently our sex life has hit a bump (once a week normally) and she found porn on my history whilst she borrowed my phone.

She kicked off on Sunday and hasn't really spoken to me since. I've tried to get her to talk about it a few times, but she claims that she can't believe me and therefore doesn't see the point. I asked if she wants space and she said yes, but I feel like taking about it is the best solution as it's awful seeing her so upset.

Also whenever I try to talk about it she says we already have, which I understand.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
Prettylovely · 05/04/2018 20:50

Stop setting yourself up to fail by lieing when you know you are going to do it anyway.

Original poster
Crzycambs · 05/04/2018 20:54

Thanks, but I have realised that.

I simply want to make her happy, suggestions? Is space the best option?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 20:58

Why not ask her outright if it is over?

If it is then you should accept the situation.

What is her reason for objecting to porn? Jealousy or ethical reasons

BuffyBee · 05/04/2018 20:59

Just tell her that your sorry that you broke the promise, then give her some space is all I can suggest.
Bit of groveling might help.

Prettylovely · 05/04/2018 20:59

The crux of it is though that she hates it but you do it. You know that you are going to end up doing it again, And she knows that you are going to end up doing it again, but also that you will lie about it.

Honestly you are better off being totally honest with her if you cant help but do it tell her that.

lozzalou93 · 05/04/2018 21:02

I’m sorry but I think you need to man up a bit. It’s very sweet you love your girlfriend so much but she’s rather naive and frankly somewhat selfish to expect you never ever view porn again.

If it effects your ability to perform, or your desires towards your girlfriend or you have an unusual viewing period, then it’s a problem otherwise she needs to move on. I think by apologising so much it seems much worse than it is.

I would personally say sorry, I did stop watching for a long time but cannot fully stop and will not keep apologising. She has the option to take or leave but she will soon discover most men do.

Make her feel sexy and desired, her offence may come from perhaps insecurities or thinking you’d prefer the women in the video. I was once told a man watching porn is like a woman having a chill with a glass of wine, it’s harmless, occasional and just something that helps

Original poster
Crzycambs · 05/04/2018 21:05

I'll be honest I'm terrified to do that, but if it makes her happier I may have to ask.

She feels insulted that want off to other women, that and the drop in sex life (now once a week) I understand her frustrations.

OP posts:
Personalsituations99 · 05/04/2018 21:05

She doesn't like porn (I don't either)
Thats her right. She probably doesn't like what it stands for and the fact like you say (getting of on other women) She practically sees it as cheating (again her right)
So you've hurt her badly.
You'll get mixed reviews here on whether its okay or not. What matters is, it wasn't okay to her and you did it anyway.
You knew the consequences and still you did it.
The question is. Are you actaully okay with stopping it? If not that's something you'll have to discuss. Just be prepared to see her walk away.
She needs space, give her that and sit down and talk.

Personalsituations99 · 05/04/2018 21:08

No most men don't do it. Thats an excuse people use to make it okay Wink
I know lots of people who hate it and lots of people that love it.
She doesn't have to be okay with it and you don't have to be okay with stopping it.
Truth is you both have to figure out whats more important?

Original poster
Crzycambs · 05/04/2018 21:10

I have recently installed an app to stop me looking on my phone, this time I feel like I can stop it.

And if I struggle hard with it I will talk to her first. I will give her some space for now as I'm going away for the weekend anyway.

I'll also bear in mind the man up comment

OP posts:
Saz1995 · 05/04/2018 21:12

I would be more hurt at the empty promises and lying tbh.

Personalsituations99 · 05/04/2018 21:18

Copied an pasted bellow from another pist which is and awesome point. (I think anyway)
Are you sure you both haven't posted about each other lol!

Women do not need to apologise for loathing the fact that their husbands or partners have made themselves impotent because of porn. Men do not have a god-given right to wank in front of film of very young, exploited women and women have the right to find it distasteful and to choose not to respect men who do that.

I'm not sure how to go about solving a problem like this, because the fact is the problem is that of your husband and only he can solve it. In order to do so, he needs to recognise that it is actually a problem. The fact that your sex life is dreadful, should be a wake up call that his marriage is in trouble. Here are some articles which may convince him: here are a couple of articles to give you and your husband something to think about. fightthenewdrug.org/3-reasons-why-watching-porn-is-harmful/

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/scary-effects-pornography-21st-centurys-accute-addiction-rewiring/

Masterbuilders · 05/04/2018 21:30

It’s ok for her to be anti porn. Many people may have their reasons for this. Equally you can say it’s not in line with your views. I would say judging by her stance this makes you incompatible as a couple.

The big issue here, is that you knew how hurtful this would be and could probably mean the end of your relationship, but you did it anyway. Therefore you prioritised porn over her.

The once a week thing, I wonder what you’d do if sex was off the cards for a while? Illness, new baby, work. These are all questions she will be asking herself.

One way or the other it needs to be sorted and you do need to talk. It does sound like as a couple your views aren’t compatible for a long term relationship. Best to part probably.

NotTheFordType · 05/04/2018 21:31

Wait. Are you saying the drop in your sex life to once a week is because you're wanking when you know she'd rather fuck?!

I mean come on dude. I'm a believer in the credo of "men pretend not to watch porn, women pretend to believe them" but you can't, by any ethics, leave your partner going wanting while you rub one out on your own. Not on a regular basis. Not without seriously examining the Dynamics of both your relationship and your sex drive.

Original poster
Crzycambs · 05/04/2018 21:50

I think it has affected it Yes, hopefully not to that extent.

I know it may not seem it, but I do want the best for her.

OP posts:
nojamforbaby · 05/04/2018 21:59

Can't you just use an incognito tab for porn? It won't be stored in your history then.

deadringer · 05/04/2018 22:15

I was wondering what you meant when you said your sex life had hit a bump, so to be clear, you are not as interested in sex with your dp because you are getting off to porn instead? That is not a silly mistake that is a lifestyle choice. You are choosing to spend less time being intimate with the woman you love and presumably fancy in favour of solo fun. If thats the case no wonder she is upset. Lots of people enjoy porn but (ethics aside) if it affects your sex life with your partner you need to do something about it. You need to have a very frank discussion with her and see if you can salvage the relationship.

Pinkvoid · 05/04/2018 22:18

My DP is the first man I have dated that watches porn (or at least admitted to it but the others really had no reason to lie...) So when he actively spoke to me about his porn use and actually his wanking habits generally I was extremely surprised. I didn’t realise a man who was having regular sex really needed to wank 7+ times a week but there you go... It offended me for a while and tbh it still does in a way but it was my own insecurities causing it. There was also a period in the beginning of our relationship where he failed to ejaculate because he was so used to masturbation being his only outlet. That wasn’t pretty and I felt absolutely dreadful about myself. If I’m totally honest I thought sexually active men dropped porn after their randy teen years, I didn’t realise grown men in relationships watched it, maybe I am sheltered.

I feel for your DP, I really do. She has asked you to stop doing something that clearly hurts he feelings, you have promised you would then broken the promise, more than once as well. Porn viewing may seem trivial to some but to others it’s a massive deal. I don’t personally understand how or why it is hard to stop. If I were you I would suggest putting child safe locks on your browser so it’s a PITA to watch whenever you feel the urge. Oh and unless it’s your DP initiating the lack of sex, start having more sex again too! If you need to masturbate, you do have an imagination and I’m sure a gorgeous DP to think of.

Sakurasnail · 05/04/2018 22:23

nojam that's not the point though, is it? He's deliberately and continually lied, about something important to his dp. (If it's a genuine post and not just an attempt at a frothing porn/anti porn thread, as these things generally degenerate into. )

Op, I'm interested to know about the app you installed. Does it still work with incognito? Is it easy to turn off or uninsrall/reinstall? And did you install it for your reasons or to show dp you were trying?

RebelRogue · 05/04/2018 22:44

So she's against porn,you promised to stop,you didn't and there's damage to your sex life because of it. No wonder she's fuming. Mostly because to her it seems like you'd rather get off on other women than actual real life sex with her. That's a shit position to be in.

Are you addicted to porn? Apps and the way you talk would make it seem so,you are very unsure if you can stop and almost like you are expecting to fail.

You need to decide if you can live without porn or not. It needs to be your decision and what you want and no amount of apps will do that for yoy. If you can't honestly say you will stop then you have to inform her of that and let her make her own choice based on that.

Evie0865 · 05/04/2018 22:47

Right hold on

Shes allowed to be anti porn

But you are allowed to like porn too.

THEN

Turns out you’ve lied to her

And now you’re saying you have to install an app to stop yourself ? If you can’t just stop, it’s an addiction surely

Juells · 05/04/2018 23:05

Are you addicted to porn?

Sounded like addiction to me, as well. It would end a relationship, for me.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2018 23:09

Are you the loser who watches porn every night until the early hours ?

Antislut · 05/04/2018 23:43

Hi, you could try going on a website called nofap. It's a community for men trying to quit porn.

Some of the men report increased confidence, better relationship's and even increase in penis size.
Hope this might help

There's plenty on YouTube videos with advice on porn and what it does to your brain too.

Masterbuilders · 05/04/2018 23:43

I just read that thread and thought of you op. If it is you and this is some kind of ‘apology’ she is well rid of you. Well rid.

Equally if your later comments read correctly, your sex life is suffering because of porn, equally she’s well rid.

That’s even before you get on to the fact you’ve lied to her and all that.