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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband so besotted with grandchild he's forgotten I exist.

28 replies

Binkysays · 05/04/2018 20:38

Hoping mums might be able to relate and advise. Me and DH are clashing over our granddaughter (GD). We're heavily involved in her care as DD alone and working.
GD clearly favours DH over me and can be rejecting and cruel, which is hurtful at times. I recognise kids playing favourites is common, but it's not easy to handle and I feel unsupported by DH. I've read it's important to make one on one time for GD and "less favoured" adult, but DH won't leave us alone. I'm often left out while they play together for hours. If I do manage to get her attention, read her a book or something, he's liable to butt in. He says if she wants to play he will always play with her, so will drop out of conversation with me if she calls him. If they're playing and I try to participate both of them tend to ignore me.
He doesn't seem interested in anything much anymore except GD. He plans his day around her, rushes everything to get to her, and will only consider doing stuff with me if there's no opportunity to see her. Even when we're not with GD he spends much of his time talking about her or watching videos of her.
I feel as if I no longer exist for him except as a backup/stooge for grandchild care.
It's embarrassing to admit, I honestly don't feel enmity towards GD - I love her so much - but I do feel jilted by DH, neglected and excluded, and resentful that he showers all his love, attention, affection and energy on GD.
When I raise any of this he says I'm pressuring him to abandon GD.
He says I need to grow up and push through the hurt and rejection and just get over myself.
Is he right? Or does he need to make some changes? Or should I just back right off and let DH and GD hang out without me?
Hope it's ok to post here, of course I'm a granny, but I'm a mum too, and this is an issue I know affects mums too.

OP posts:

FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 20:41

You really need to make him listen so he understands you need "you time", with you & your DH & you & GD.

thornyhousewife · 05/04/2018 20:42

This is way too intense and is not healthy for any of you, especially your daughter and granddaughter.

Your granddaughter would benefit from preschool with her peers, rather than an obsessed grandad and jilted granny.

hesterton · 05/04/2018 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timefor2 · 05/04/2018 20:43

That sounds so frustrating! Has your DD noticed or ever mentioned anything about this? I find that with my DF it’s easier if I say something to him rather than my DM as he tends to get annoyed if DM criticises him.

I have to say that in all young grandchild relationships I’ve seen, GD is the ‘loads of fun, play crazy games’ one (and often too soft and not disciplining enough!), I suspect things will naturally improve as your GD gets older - from what you’ve written I’m guessing she’s not yet school age?

I can see that the situation is extremely frustrating though!

PerspicaciaTick · 05/04/2018 20:44

How old is GD? Most children go through phases of favouriting one carer over another, it is absolutely not a reflection on you and it will run its course and there isn't much you can effectively do to speed her through the phase.
Was you DH very hands on when your DD was tiny? My DDad really regrets missing out because he worked so hard and he is revelling in the chance to be close to his DGC.
It is really hard, I know the advice for parents whose relationship is suffering after the arrival of children is to push yourselves to schedule time together as a couple, regular date nights etc. Is this something you could try?

NapQueen · 05/04/2018 20:44

Could you each agree set alone time with GD each (and also set time with one another).

ButternutCrinkleFries · 05/04/2018 20:45

It sounds pretty odd and ott. How does your daughter feel about it? Is he trying to make up for time he didn’t get to spend with his daughter maybe? It certainly doesn’t sound healthy or sustainable.

How old is your gd?

puddleduckmummy · 05/04/2018 21:05

My DS favours my dad (given he's turning into my dad's mini me isn't surprising!) and they have always had a special bond & I knew my mum always felt left out as my Niblings also favoured my dad. I always tried to make sure my DS did stuff with my DM too but my dad also included her. My DD adores my DM, so my mum is over the moon.

I think your DH isn't allowing you the chance to bond with your GD. It's lovely they have such a close relationship but he seems to be denying you the chance to form a relationship. It may be worth bringing it up with both your DD & DH?

BubblesAndSquarks · 05/04/2018 21:12

Can you arrange taking her out for time with just you and her some days? Maybe swimming or soft play or something shell be excited about so you can bond without your DH there to take her attention.

If he is giving her as much attention as you say, its a very artificial environment for your DGD to be in and probably won't be great for her behaviour or for her relationship with her mum as shes going to be expecting constant attention and not grow to understand that people can't always be focusing on her 24/7.

Sounds like you and DD need to have a carefully worded conversation with him about how full on he's being while looking after her.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 21:13

My ds is a huge daddy’s boy. When he won’t hug me my dh will give me a big hug, basically when ds rejects me dh makes a really obvious thing of including me. I would not be happy if he instead seemed to encourage it. He’s the adult in that pair and it’s his job to try and manage attachment.

BubblesAndSquarks · 05/04/2018 21:17

Also, look into local toddler groups depending on her age. If you could take her to one on some mornings when you have her that would give you an hour or 2 together where DH can stay home, then hopefully make it more bearable once you're home as you'll be glad to have a break and DH can get on with his obsessing over her!

Would probably be good for her to be socialising with other children and learning to play without it all revolving around her too, whether shes toddler group or preschool age.

Stopmeifyouveheardthisonebefor · 05/04/2018 21:28

Sounds unhealthily intense. How will your DH cope when your DGD gets older and goes to pre-school/school/friends become important?

Ivorbig1 · 05/04/2018 21:35

How old is gd?
Was he a good dad?
Is he trying to make up for something?

TrippingTheVelvet · 05/04/2018 21:40

I would be removing gd from the equation and explaining that you need quality, one on one time with your husband. That is a fair and reasonable ask of any partner.

ChickenMom · 05/04/2018 21:41

Your DH is taking more than his fair share and it’s not acceptable. You need 1 on 1 time with her without him interfering. How about taking her to the movies, just you two. Check out movies for juniors. Or build a bear or bowling...find something that is the thing you two do together. Something he can’t get involved with. Spa day. Pamper party type thing. Start thinking outside the box. Go for a horse riding lesson...loads of things you can do. You can be the super fun gran who takes her to legoland. Don’t buy him a ticket.

MMmomDD · 06/04/2018 00:18

OP - I am sorry - but to me your post sounds a bit jealous and a lot resentful.
You mention that you love your GD, but the way you talk about her and her time with your H - is really as if you at competing for him.
And - why?

She is a small child. And it makes him happy to spend time with her. Why do you be to control/change/be 50/50 about it.
Surely - you have other things you can do with yourself. And surly - the little girl isn’t around all the time and you get your H’s attention back.

Is there more to the story? Is your time alone different somehow? Are you not doing things you used to do?

LovingLola · 06/04/2018 00:27

GD clearly favours DH over me and can be rejecting and cruel, which is hurtful at times

You really think your small granddaughter is rejecting and cruel???

LovingLola · 06/04/2018 00:28

If I was your daughter I would be very concerned about how you feel about my child, and also about your husband's unhealthy obsession with her...

Northernparent68 · 06/04/2018 01:19

I’m wondering if your husband is really that besotted, are you exaggerating to justify your jealousy.

Isadora2007 · 06/04/2018 01:33

A few pertinent questions-
How old is your GD?
How often do you have her?
Was your husband hands on as a dad?
Were you?

Northernparent68 · 06/04/2018 09:47

I’ve realised this is probably a reverse

WhiteCat1704 · 06/04/2018 09:57

Him excluding you is crap. He is supposed to be a loving husband! My DS clearly favours me over his dad..I would never think about excluding my DH though..Like a poster above said when DS "rejects" his dad I make a point of including him..when he doesn't want to hug him we get a hug as a 3..and it's working..

Your DH sounds obsessed and wierds..What does your DD think?

something2say · 06/04/2018 10:07

I think it's sweet. But then I'm a woman who was abused as a girl, and I had no adults who loved me. I'd have loved a grandad like this one. All men have ever been to me is people who will eventually make a pass at me. It would have been nice to have a safe man.

Sorry, not very helpful to the op tho. I'd have loved you too, a nanny to cook with and do gardening an sewing. I'd have liked that xxxx

NotTakenUsername · 06/04/2018 10:10

GD clearly favours DH over me and can be rejecting and cruel, which is hurtful at times

You really think your small granddaughter is rejecting and cruel???

I can well imagine that the op is feeling rejected and if an adult behaved this way it would be cruel. Let’s not refuse to help op because of slightly clumsy descriptive wording.

My Dd rejected her dgf for a while and it became a game for her. We muddled through with a lot of ignoring the behaviour, letting her come to him, not ‘trying’ too hard, and the occasional telling off for being rude/impolite.
Well, now they have a great relationship and she runs to his arms when she sees him. Not sure what my advice is, because we were all supporting each other during that phase. Your dh seems to enjoy being top dog in the gp pecking order.

SeaCabbage · 06/04/2018 11:04

Your husband sounds like a nightmare! I can't believe this is the first time he has been an arse. Not letting you have time with the little girl alone is bizarre and cruel and the obsession, even more bizarre.

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