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Original poster

Is ‘settling’ always bad?

37 replies

AndAlongCameABadger · 05/04/2018 17:15

I’ve been wondering about this today. My divorce has come through yesterday after an almost 2 year separation. Unwanted on my part. Everyone around me is telling me to be careful not to settle now.

Thing is, I can’t see it as that bad. I’m 35, no children yet (had a miscarriage around the time I found out about ex’s emotional affair - it was an awful time), I would love a family, I’m not overly attractive (not bad but not beatifyl), size 16, so probably not overly desirable.

I’m trying to be realistic about my chances. Would it really be that bad to be with someone because it makes sense, we are compatible and can have a nice time together but without the deep feeling of all consuming love? I really loved my husband, and probably still do, but it hasn’t got me anywhere other than that it took 18 months of my life to pick myself up after the cheating, the lies and the leaving.

Is anyone in ‘head over heart’ relationship and content?

OP posts:
Original poster
AndAlongCameABadger · 05/04/2018 17:16

Apologies about typos.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 05/04/2018 17:20

I think its a bit soon to be making any big decisions. You are still hurt as this is all very recent.

Take your time.

hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 17:22

You sound like a beautiful sole who just had the wrong guy. Never settle, it gets you nowhere and you will always be left thinking what could have been if you'd hung on for mr right instead of mr right-now.

You're still young enough to find the one and have children with them.

RatherBeRiding · 05/04/2018 17:22

It depends on what you want. There's no right or wrong answer - there are so many variables and only you can know if settling would be enough for you.

And what about the other person? If you were not head over heels with them, but to them you were their soul-mate, love of their life etc. Could you cope with that?

I think you both need to be coming at the relationship from the same stand-point, and wanting the same things out of it. If that's a safe comfortable relationship but without the bells and whistles, then great.

Otherwise - I'd be wary.

Rainboho · 05/04/2018 17:30

Settling is bad if it means compromising yourself.

You could be quite happily single, you could choose to become a single mother via a variety of means, you could find a FWB.

What I hear is your post is that you feel awful about yourself and so think you have to settle because you’re not a great catch. That’s closing yourself off to protect yourself from being hurt like last time and reinforcing low self esteem. Take some time and invest in yourself, what have you always wanted to do, how have you always wanted to spend your time, what kind of people would you like to be with?

And don’t write yourself off like that - ‘not overly attractive and a size 16’. Without wanting to be too weird, I’m bisexual and find curvy unconventional women very desirable.

You can do this, and you don’t have to settle!

Josuk · 05/04/2018 17:32

OP - if you can afford it - freeze some eggs. Dating at 35, knowing that realistically you only have another 5 years of fertility - (ok, maybe a little more, but no guarantees) - puts so much pressure on both you and whoever you date.
And no matter how much people would tell you - if you meet the right person, blah, blah - that pressure has destroyed a lot of new relationships.

As to ‘settling’ vs ‘head over heals’ - these aren’t the only options.
Plenty ‘head over heals’ crush and burn, and/or plenty rebounds have survived. And vice versa.
People marry for all sorts of reasons.

Good luck.

Original poster
AndAlongCameABadger · 05/04/2018 17:56

Very interesting to hear everyone’s view.

It not so much about making decisions now, it was a general musing but one that has kept me busy for a couple of days.

The whole thing has left me with low confidence - I had counselling after the miscarriage as it was so much to bear with the break up too, and this has slowly moved on to more general counselling, focusing on what I think of myself etc.

At the moment I can’t imagine having a child outside a relationship but maybe that might change. Unfortunately, I don’t have the financial means at present to have my eggs frozen. I am lucky though that I am financially stable in everyday life, I own my house, love my career etc.

I hadn’t considered ‘the other party’ at all so that’s food for thought.

I am trying to focus on myself - just booked my summer holiday whoop whoop - but my thoughts do move towards the future a lot. (Which I suppose is a good things as it might mean I’m letting go of my past)

OP posts:
HoHoHoHo · 05/04/2018 18:25

How would you feel if your partner said he'd settled for you? I know I'd be devastated.

DairyisClosed · 05/04/2018 18:33

I think that anyone who isn't willing to settle for good enough is being foolish. Some people only ever get one chance at happiness, one would regret missing our in that because one was hoping for something better. I settle for good enough. Someone I liked well enough, not physically repulsive, decent job (not rich though), intelligent and moral (these were things I wasn't willing to compromise on), nice, funny, pleasant to be around, generally compatible. I liked him well enough at the time and felt a deep affection for him but one can hardly be in live with someone without having gone through some intense moments together like having children or bankruptcy or something. Five years on I am head over heels in love with him and very glad I took the chance. I definitely couldn't have lived with myself if I had passed up my only chance at a good marriage (I know that is unlikely but it is possible, I've known quite a few people who passed on good enough and ended up with someone sub par).

AbeautifulBeast · 05/04/2018 18:33

If you do settle I can't see the problem, as long as you don't point it out to them how would they know anyway?
People are usually surprised when they meet my husband for the first time, the insinuation being I could have done 'better'. He is a brilliant father (most of the time) and is in steady employment. Sometimes settling makes life easier...... Wink

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/04/2018 18:37

No don’t ‘settle’ for the safe but unremarkable person. It is shit for them and you are teeing yourself up for several more unfulfilling years. Take a break from dating, focus on you, do all those things that for whatever reason you could not do while in a relationship. Basically be a bit selfish and have some fun and some quality you time and figure out what you really want out of life. Being single for a little while is not a millstone to carry.

spanky2 · 05/04/2018 18:42

I kinda interviewed my dh for the position of husband. I'd learnt it wasn't just physical attraction that mattered. Two friends were horrified by it, but one was just about to be divorced and the other one cheats and is cheated upon.
I'm happy and I think dh is. We have similar political and musical tastes. Our education is the same level. We have similar interests and opinions, but enough differences that we have something to talk about.
Play the long game and analyse your next partner for compatibility.

Original poster
AndAlongCameABadger · 05/04/2018 19:08

Maybe ‘settling’ isn’t the right word?

What I mean is a more rational choosing of partner, similar to what spanky or dairy are describing. I always wondered whether things would have worked out differently if I hadn’t loved dh as much as I did, whether it clouded my judgment and I therefore didn’t make the right decisions (I know of course that fundamentally ex’s decisions caused the break up of my marriage).

OP posts:
GiddyGardner · 05/04/2018 19:49

I was 32 when I met my husband. I had only really had one serious relationship before him. In my previous relationship I was head over heels, and at first, probably in lust over love, I didn't really know how a good relationship should operate. He gave me a get out when he cheated. I was 32 when I met my husband and married at 34. When I met my husband I wasn't head over heels, crazy in lust and I don't think he was actually my type (but then again, I don't think I really knew what my type was, I based my type on my 18 year old self). Being in my 30's I think I had the advantage of knowing what I wanted from the off, and I told him. Looks, for example weren't as important as goals and attitude. I found a deeper bond with my husband because we gelled on so many levels, physical attraction took a bit of a back seat (at first), I fancy the pants off him now! I think you are right, settling isn't the right word, but what you used to find as the main pull to a partner (in my case, looks), may not be the main attraction now, with wisdom. Take the time you need, use your experience and really get what you want.

GiddyGardner · 05/04/2018 19:52

With regards to a family, it hasn't worked out for us biologically, but, because we both knew what we wanted from the off, we were always going to try to adopt, if it didn't work out. We are now nearing approval panel and we are both very excited!

StormcloakNord · 05/04/2018 19:59

I haven't RTFT, but I did what you would call "settle" OP & after a few months it did end up an all consuming love.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 05/04/2018 20:03

One of my friends is very open about the fact that she "settled" for her husband. After a string of failed relationships she returned to her home country in her mid thirties and was living in a shared house (where she met her DH!), not meeting many single guys, very much wanting to have children... She reckons he settled for her too, and the fact is that together they have managed to buy a house, get married, have three great children, and support each other through lots of things that would have been shit to go through alone. I think they both made a great decision, and believe they are just as happy as the couples who started out all starry eyed.

Original poster
AndAlongCameABadger · 06/04/2018 06:23

GiddyGardner, good luck with the adoption. A friend of my has just started the process and it’s such a long and difficult road. I wish you well Flowers.

Thank you everyone for sharing. For me it’s hypothetical at the moment anyway Smile.

OP posts:
Ilovefishcakes201 · 06/04/2018 08:53

You’re over thinking and panicking about this. You could date him for a few months and see how you feel. I mean actually give him a chance?

As for your self-esteem, have you tried to give your self a few months to lose weight?

Chippyway · 06/04/2018 09:39

Life is too short to settle

HoHoHoHo · 06/04/2018 12:02

I wonder how many affairs start because people settle for someone who they don't really think is good enough for them and then meet someone else who really excites them.

StormcloakNord · 06/04/2018 12:39

@HoHoHoHo probably quite a lot of people, I would imagine.

It's hard for me to have an opinion either way on the whole settling thing. I started off thinking I settled/made a rational choice but it's developed into something more akin to the exciting all consuming love you get when you first meet someone. I don't know if I'd have been happy feeling like I'd truly "settled" the whole time.

hollybatgirl · 06/04/2018 12:40

That's a pretty fair point actually, I'd rather find someone I trusted and loved and respected so I don't need to settle then feel the need to look elsewhere years later, I guess people call it being picky and its probably why I'm struggling right now too.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2018 12:46

I think it depends what you mean by settling.

My best friend always wanted it all- money, looks, ambition, emotional openness - ideally some sort of emotional working through in the last now all fully healed but affable to support her too emotionally, great with money and always spoiling her etc etc. Now nothing wrong with that bit in reality her search for some of those caused her to overlook what total idiots they actually were. She's now in a new relationship. She's attracted to him but not in the all consuming lust way. He's generous with money but doesn't have lots so he's careful and they split a lot of bills. Work is a job to pay bills, he isn't overly ambitious but he's stable.

I studied part of her feels she's settled in some respects bit I think she's readjusted her properties (same age as OP) and rhat they can have a long term happy marriage where he doesn't cheat, control or abuse her and she'd be happy

Gottokondo · 06/04/2018 13:35

It can be a good thing. I feel a very warm and loving feeling towards my DH. We have the same opinions on a lot of things, like talking to eachother and are very respectful to eachother. I am very happy to be with him. It is nothing like my pretty EX where we had the mindblowing passion but the equally passionate but devestating rows.

I think that when growing up it is a bit wrong to let girls believe in the fairytale handsome prince who is charming, will do everything for you and a perfect man with who you will find this perfect in love feeling the whole time. Nobody is perfect. In my opinion you need to find someone who suits you, treats you well, that makes you want to be a better person and loves you a little. I also think that you shouldn't listen to what a man says, but look at how he treats you and how he behaves. Words can be lies.