Is ‘settling’ always bad?

[AndAlongCameABadger]

I’ve been wondering about this today. My divorce has come through yesterday after an almost 2 year separation. Unwanted on my part. Everyone around me is telling me to be careful not to settle now.

Thing is, I can’t see it as that bad. I’m 35, no children yet (had a miscarriage around the time I found out about ex’s emotional affair - it was an awful time), I would love a family, I’m not overly attractive (not bad but not beatifyl), size 16, so probably not overly desirable.

I’m trying to be realistic about my chances. Would it really be that bad to be with someone because it makes sense, we are compatible and can have a nice time together but without the deep feeling of all consuming love? I really loved my husband, and probably still do, but it hasn’t got me anywhere other than that it took 18 months of my life to pick myself up after the cheating, the lies and the leaving.

Is anyone in ‘head over heart’ relationship and content?

What does "settling" mean?

We have absurd ideas of what we expect from a life partner. We want hearts, arrows, flowers, pulses raised, help putting out the bins, a chauffeur from time to time, a shoulder to cry on, our pants set on fire, lemsips made when we have a cold, a fellow parent, someone who'll deal with our elderly relatives, a mind reader, a soul-mate, a domestic god/goddess, a GSH and so on.

I'm not sure what settling means, but I think you need to find someone whose 'crazy' you can deal with (because let's face it we're all a bit crazy) and who you sometimes can achieve some of the very long list of requirements we all have for our life partner and someone who is prepared to have the horribly tough conversations that spending a life together sometimes requires - usually about really trivial shit, like who the hell is putting plates the wrong way around in the dishwasher but also which care home you can bear to put your mother in.

It's probably too soon to look now AndAlong, so take some time. Put yourself back together and make sure you see all the good qualities you will bring to a relationship, as well as recognising your own brand of crazy too! Really good question to ask though.

I guess to me settling implies a conscious decision to be with someone who you feel is beneath you when deep down you feel like you deserve better, which is why I don't think it's a good idea. There's an implied level of disrespect for the person as you see them as below you. I can see it means different things to different people.

You sound like you put yourself down a lot size 16 isn't big it's probably average!

Ah, see @HoHoHoHo we have very different ideas of settling. I never saw DP as 'beneath' me, I just didn't have that instant spark/attraction. It was a slow burner for me.

DH has publicly said recently that in every relationship (he thinks) there's a "reacher" and a "settler". I can see examples of this around me in friends and family a lot. But it depends what your criteria is. I know that the types of guys I fell head over heels in love with aren't suitable long term partners and wouldn't give me a stable, supportive life day to day.

Sorry you've been through such a hideous time. I think priorities change as we get older. Head over heels is all very well but not if the person is a cheat or a liar. A lot of that initial physical attraction is pure hormones, not a great way to choose a life partner. I think finding someone you're compatible with, share values, enjoy the company of and want to parent with is fine, unless the thought of shagging them turns your stomach. Sexual attraction has to be there in some form, but it can be a slow burn.

I think a slow burner isn't the same as settling. It's just getting to know someone and then falling in love.

I definitely don’t mean settling in the way of entering a relationship/staying with someone I think is beneath me (whatever that means), or who has bad character traits or doesn’t treat me well, just for the sake of not being

alone.

Maybe I’ve just readjusted my views of what I would want for a new relationship, which seems very different to what my ex’s and my relationship was like.

I met my Mr on eHarmony - we couldn't be better matched personality-wise and are currently expecting our first child. I was a size 18ish when we met (but I'm quite tall for a woman), now a 12-14 on top/16 bottom. He's got a bit of a belly but in the reassuringly solid rugby player type of way. He could look like a frog and I'd love him just the same and it wouldn't be a compromise because it's just all of him that makes him him that I love and am attracted to. He doesn't fancy me more or less now 3.5 stone lighter than when we met. What I'm getting at is you're hardly huge (not enough for it to be an issue in my opinion), there will be a wonderful man somewhere waiting for you and don't just "settle" because you're emotionally wounded and your ex has knocked your confidence. Be with someone who ticks your boxes (assuming they're not unreasonable, although I heard Channing Tatum is now available ... ) and makes you feel great about yourself, who supports you etc. I was 31 when we met and being childless but wanting children is apparently relatively rare and very attractive to men in their late-30's from the conversations I had with others before my Mr. You'll find someone amazing, and you don't need to settle for less than you deserve.

I met my dp (stb dh) when I was 35. We've been together 35 years. I didn't feel this overwhelming lust when we first got together, unlike previous relationships. It was a completely different feeling.

It felt real. Like a sensible grown up relationship rather than a Prince Charming.

I'd been with men who promised me everything and told me what I wanted to hear. It was all bullshit.

This man and I have made a lovely life together and I love him. We've faced some hardship and got through. We fight. We love. Most importantly we laugh. I could've been without him and instead I have chosen to marry him. 💕

Lol! We've been together 7 years!!