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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anxiety about husband working with his ex mistress

36 replies

Mamacooper · 05/04/2018 13:20

Ok, here is the background this woman who was once a mutual friend of ours, actually our point of contact that myself and husband used whilst in the navy .we knew her for three years and she was lovely became a good friend. We got engaged and everything was awesome. A month before the wedding I found they had been sleeping together when I was at work ..I was destroyed, however We got married and five years later we have two beautiful children and a happy home. We cut all ties with her and worked on our relationship. However she has just got a job where she will be working with my husband on a daily basis and I don't know how I feel. Part of me wants to cry and be sick as it's bringing back awful memories. The other wants to rationalize it as it's in the past. But I can't. I don't want to over react either. Honestly anyone got any advice ???

OP posts:

ILikeMyChickenFried · 05/04/2018 13:21

I don't think I would be ok with that.

Desmondo2016 · 05/04/2018 13:22

I wouldn't be ok with that. But then, I wouldn't have married him

ShirleyPhallus · 05/04/2018 13:23

I wouldn't be ok with that. But then, I wouldn't have married him

Same

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/04/2018 13:23

Same as Shirley.

RebeccaJane12 · 05/04/2018 13:25

Not ok!!

countycouncil · 05/04/2018 13:25

I don't see how that can work. He needs to find a new job.

Juells · 05/04/2018 13:27

Not over-reacting. This will cause you terrible grief and anxiety.

katmarie · 05/04/2018 13:28

I definitely would not be ok with that either, and I would expect my husband to be fully understanding of why. What realistically can he do about it? If the only option is finding another job I'd be expecting him to put serious effort into that.

Juells · 05/04/2018 13:28

Not over-reacting. This will cause you terrible grief and anxiety.

Juells · 05/04/2018 13:30

Oops sorry for double posting. having trouble with this site at the moment, I click Post Message and nothing seems to happen.

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 05/04/2018 13:32

He needs to find a new job.

Graphista · 05/04/2018 13:34

Same as desmond.

Did she know he worked there? Did he know she'd applied is there any chance he told her about the job? It's a HELL of a coincidence

swingofthings · 05/04/2018 13:35

How did she go about getting that job? Ie. what she likely to have looked for it and purposely apply or is it circumstantial (much less likely). How did you find out?

SandyY2K · 05/04/2018 13:37

Same as Desmond. During your engagement when you should have only had eyes for each other. ..before the stress of kids and he was already cheating on you.

If you didn't find out... he would have married you vowing fidelity, but he was already cheating.

You have a marriage built on a shaky foundation.

People stay because of marriage and kids. You stayed regardless.

Your anxiety will remain heightened unless he leaves that job.

Original poster

Mamacooper · 05/04/2018 13:43

He informed today as he was told in the manager's meeting they hold weekly . He's already told them this person is a conflict with him personally and has already had her moved to another section in the office so he won't be mixing with her. I trust him I just dont trust her. Arrgghhhh I honestly thought I was growing up and not letting g shit like this get to me .. I'm glad I'm not the only person Thinking this is messed up and that I'm not over reacting with feeling like shit arrgghhhh fxxkxxg fxxk fxxk

OP posts:

diddl · 05/04/2018 13:44

Obviously it brings it all back, but ultimately-do you trust him?

Bluetoo1 · 05/04/2018 13:46

If she is long term married with several DCs I think I wouldn't be so concerned.

diddl · 05/04/2018 13:47

X post!

Is it suspicious that she will be at the same firm as him?

If you trust him & are right to do so then it doesn't matter if you trust her or not.

swingofthings · 05/04/2018 13:50

So did they work together before? I just don't get how she ended up there unless she orchestrated it, and if that's the case, then of course you should be worried because even if your OH can really be trusted, she will be causing a lot of trouble to get what she is clearly prepared to go great lengths to get.

SandyY2K · 05/04/2018 13:52

If you truly trust him ....then she won't be a problem...because nothing will happen....but I suspect you're worried he won't be strong enough to resist if she throws herself at him.

Honestly speaking it would be unwise to trust him 100% based on your experience with him.

FreshStartToday · 05/04/2018 13:52

OK the good thing is that he has told you straight away and he has been open and told them that he cannot work with her, so he is making the right noises.

There is no doubt that this will be a serious test for him. I do know of someone who was in a very similar situation and having had time apart/made the right choice, they were then able to do the right thing second time around.

You do not need to be worried, however. You need to make sure that your dh knows that he should be worried. He is very lucky that you still married him: this is his chance to prove to you that he has changed his attitude to marriage completely and that he is prepared to move heaven and earth this time, to make sure that he talks to you first, that you are fully in the know about the situation at work, and to keep your trust. He has a lot to lose if he doesn't.

Original poster

Mamacooper · 05/04/2018 13:52

During our engagement he fucked up big time. I still loved him.made him Sign a prenup and we did/ still do councilling only once a year now just to air things out more about spicing things up etc . Maybe not the best foundations but it's worked for us and we rebuilt. We are very open to each other and I'm glad he told me. I think I'm still in shock as haven't heard from this woman since then, even to the point I had to have a meeting with her on ship about one of her trainees failing and she didn't show as she didn't want to face me. We live in a small town and not many places work in the industry they are in. Very complicated

OP posts:

melonscoffer · 05/04/2018 13:53

Growing up and not letting it get to you? If you live to be 100 and personal growth is your area of expertise, this shit will always get to you. As so it should.
It is too close for comfort.
Highly suspicious.
He's hardly going to admit if it's more than a coincidence is he?
Things could easily develop.
It may already be happening.
Sorry to be harsh.

Original poster

Mamacooper · 05/04/2018 13:58

Reading everyone's messages thank you. Freshstarttoday I was thinking of having a similar chat with him tonight when the kids aren't around to let him know how I honestly feel and how we should deal with it. X

OP posts:

bonnyshide · 05/04/2018 14:01

I really wouldn't be OK with this, in fact, it would probably be a deal breaker for me.

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