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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking?

46 replies

hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 10:16

I just need a bit of advice and perspective please.
Me and my partner both work for the same company which has many sites all over the region so we sometimes see each other at work or meet for lunch time coffee . The problem I have is his ex works for the company too. I don't know her as the organisation is huge and I don't know many people outside of my team. I know he is still in contact with her, he says its for work but she has nothing to do with the area he is in. He had an on off relationship with her for about 8 years before we got together, he had relationships in between seeing her and this is what has made me so paranoid as I'm not convinced he is totally over her. She is married with kids so she was actually having an affair with him which he seemed ok with and he has said that he is never going back there but something just doesn't seem right to me. I've tried to talk to him but I don't want to keep going on about her in case it pushes him away as it has caused arguments before. I've been with him a year and I do love him but I'm not sure I should trust him.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 05/04/2018 10:21

What doesn't seem right? You haven't given any info which is suspicious...

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 11:10

Well he has had relationships over the past 8 years then kept going back to the married woman, he told her last year he'd found someone (me) and I asked how she took it and he said she seemed relieved but then he's carried on talking to her, texting etc and Im not comfortable with it at all, she even emailed him and text him while on a family holiday abroad which I found strange. He'd also told me she was based 20 miles from our site but I've recently found out shes actually in the building over the road from me next to where he's based. He's not very open with his feelings at all, I've had to ask him several times where he wants our relationship to go to get anything at all out of him. I'm trying to hard not to be paranoid.

OP posts:
TM71 · 05/04/2018 11:24

I would be suspicious. If he is lying to you about small things now what else is he hiding. Personally for me if a partner lies to me once it is over, especially over the ex and communication between them then how do you know he is not dangling you along just in case she decides to leave her marriage or has time to be with him again.

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 11:40

@TM71 that's exactly the thoughts I have running through my head right now. I'm suspicious as it is but I seem to be full on detective mode at the min.

We had a relationship break between the beginning of August and mid September and I have access to his work diary, out of curiosity I had a quick look and there's an entry for mid August for some ones birthday who I don't know, never heard her name mentioned and no other information just Name's birthday. I'm going to ask him face to face who she is as he has a way of denying all knowledge of such things but I've screen shotted the entry so he cant get out of it this time.

OP posts:
DariaG · 05/04/2018 12:03

Have you been together long? This lady seems to be an important person for him, that doesn't mean there is any romance left between them though. But if I was him, I wouldn't tell you who that person is to protect her (as you said, she has a family and basically was cheating on her husband with your partner back then), also I would suppose that you have trust issues

But if I were you, I would turn on my Miss Marple mode Blush and investigate the matter myself behind partner's back, I have trust issues which I'm not proud of and wouldn't want to demonstrate to my partner, but I know what it feels like to be suspicious about the ex

liisha · 05/04/2018 12:06

Not to sound like a petty Betty but I certainly would not be happy with that.
Having a hi/bye relationship with her is one thing but why do they need to stay in contact?
Do they have a child together? If so fine, if not I don't think so.

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 13:06

I agree with you both. They don't have children together as she was married before they even met. I do have trust issues due to being cheated on by my ex husband and I totally missed the signs then so I guess I'm making up for it now.

They have no reason to stay in touch, he seems to think I'm over reacting and that she is not a threat and she 'served a purpose' back then but says we have a proper real relationship which they didn't so he's basically said it was just the sex which is fine but if that's the case then why does he needs to keep in touch with her? I know who she is, I accidentally came face to face with her yesterday and he's admitted he knew she worked on our site one day a week and when I asked why he didn't tell me he said it never occurred to him.

OP posts:
DariaG · 05/04/2018 14:04

just sex on and off for 8 years?! Hmm I wouldn't believe that tbh, he's just trying to make it look less serious than it was. Probably to calm you down without realizing he's doing the opposite.
But do you think he's not over her or maybe it's the other way around? He could stay in touch with her because she shows him some affection and it feeds his ego Confused My DH is like that, needs attention just to boost his self-esteem

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 14:26

To be honest I don't think there was much affection there. He's told me several times he's crap at relationships, basically if I don't tell him what to do then it doesn't get done (birthdays, the odd bunch of flowers etc) and he cannot organise anything to save his life. he has told me that she was never bothered about anyone knowing she was having an affair with him, all her friends knew and he went out with them all a few times but Ive never asked anything about that as I don't really want to know. I think she was there for him when his marriage ended and was probably one of the main reasons his marriage did end. I'm still not 100% convinced he wants a full relationship with me even though he's said he does. I feel very much like I'm here for now until he decides what he wants :(

OP posts:
Katchit · 05/04/2018 14:34

Having no concerns about fucking a married woman with kids.

There are umpteen thousands of people who will tell you, from experience over the years, that a cheater is always a cheater. Many of those are the OW, subsequently discarded. And usually once kids come along.

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 14:52

This is exactly what I've been saying to him, he keeps saying the past is in the past and I should let it go but the past has made him the person he is today along with my past making me be so suspicious. I had something happen to me last year and I went to him for support but he didn't give me any, weeks later when I asked him why he said it brought back memories from when he went through something similar with his ex so this is my argument on how the past does still affect us now.

OP posts:
TM71 · 05/04/2018 14:59

This must be so hard for you. For me personally I would walk while I had my dignity and mental health. This is such a and excuse the swearing "mindfuck".

DariaG · 05/04/2018 15:00

So he was cheating on his wife with her and she was cheating on her husband with him? And you were cheated on by your ex-husband and chose to be with a cheater? Are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Shock

Cricrichan · 05/04/2018 15:41

8 years is a long time. 8 years of lying and cheating :(

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2018 15:45

So he's a known cheater, and he's 'not good at relationships'. Plus you don't think he really wants a proper relationship with you. Why are you with him again? Does he have any good points?

TM71 · 05/04/2018 15:52

No don't do that to yourself, you are worth so much more than playing second fiddle.

Have you ever considered that while you are waiting for him to make up his mind you could be missing out on the right one for you. Do not waste time on someone who can not give you his undecided attention and love.

I would break it off, if he really loves you and wants to be with you he will fight for you. And being his gf have you asked him to break communication with her?

TM71 · 05/04/2018 15:53

Break the cycle. You deserve better!

user1474652148 · 05/04/2018 16:03

I think I absolutely would be finishing this, he doesn’t sound like someone you will ever trust, and you can’t build a future with him. What’s the point?
He cheats with married woman, he is unresponsive to future plans, is crap at relationships and you are planning to stay?!
Get the hell out and live him and his lies and messed up life behind.

Instincts are rarely wrong and I wonder if he ever truly finished this affair with her

user1474652148 · 05/04/2018 16:03

Leave

PrizeOik · 05/04/2018 16:09

It's really not meant to feel this difficult op.

Leaving the cheating aside...

Why are you with someone who has to be cajoled into defining the relationship, buying you a birthday present, won't talk about his feelings...?

It's really obvious he's not that into you, why are you investing so much emotional energy and suspicion here? Are you trying not to notice that this relationship isn't that great?

Because you should really notice. And you really shouldn't be bothering with someone who can barely be bothered with you.

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 05/04/2018 16:26

Thanks for the advice. I think my problem is I want this to work and I'm willing to try to make it work as I have strong feelings for him but I also don't want to get hurt again. Its a long complicated story about him cheating on his wife, it was over with anyway and they were in the process of divorce but still living together when it happened but it is still cheating. I just want him to love me and be honest with me.

OP posts:
TM71 · 05/04/2018 19:10

Sorry but prepare yourself for disappointment.

Juells · 05/04/2018 19:15

I wouldn't mention that you checked his work diary, it's a bit needy and desperate.

He's not at all trustworthy or moral, and he's probably still seeing her.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/04/2018 19:20

Strong feelings are not enough. This one is a cheater and a loser. He isn't bothered by being the cheater or messing with someone else's marriage. He isn't showing signs of being there for you when you need him. You have already split up once in a one year relationship. Did you really have to remind him about your birthday?

Anyway, you can't work on him being a player. That's outside of your control.

Why are you setting your bar so low?

Personalsituations99 · 05/04/2018 20:27

Truthfully I couldn't be with a man who has either cheated or been the other man in a relationship with a women who is married. His morals are all wrong and hes a liar.
Its not the past when he's still messaging a married woman he was "just fucking"

Walk away with your dignity intact!