Am I overthinking?

[hollybatgirl]

I just need a bit of advice and perspective please.
Me and my partner both work for the same company which has many sites all over the region so we sometimes see each other at work or meet for lunch time coffee . The problem I have is his ex works for the company too. I don't know her as the organisation is huge and I don't know many people outside of my team. I know he is still in contact with her, he says its for work but she has nothing to do with the area he is in. He had an on off relationship with her for about 8 years before we got together, he had relationships in between seeing her and this is what has made me so paranoid as I'm not convinced he is totally over her. She is married with kids so she was actually having an affair with him which he seemed ok with and he has said that he is never going back there but something just doesn't seem right to me. I've tried to talk to him but I don't want to keep going on about her in case it pushes him away as it has caused arguments before. I've been with him a year and I do love him but I'm not sure I should trust him.

Plus you have to remind him of your birthday while he keeps some other girls birthday in his calender.
Bollocks to that OP!

This is going to sound terribly harsh and I am so sorry. But are you that desperate for a relationship that you would allow a man to treat you in such a dreadful way?

You will always be treated and get in life how you allow yourself to be treated.

Please do not tell me he is horrible because he is. You deserve so much better but will only get it once you step away from such a toxic man.

Update: I talked to him last night, he knows I have access to his diary so we can synch our holidays, I was in checking the dates for June due to child care and that's when I saw the entry for this other girls birthday, he's told me he's put it in to remind him to say happy birthday to her and he always forgets and she works in the office next to his and is the daughter of one of his friends so he always feels bad when he forgets to say happy birthday to her which is fine if it is true.

He's not actually forgotten my birthday but I had to remind him about my daughters birthday and push him in the direction of what to get as a present for her and myself and he has had my birthday in his diary since we met as a repeat for the year so that's not an issue here.

He has told me during our talk last night that the affair was something to fit with him and her at the time, his ex wife had left him and he didn't the full on relationship so he fell into an affair with this woman who he kept going back to but he has wanted a real relationship for a few years but never found the right person, he told me last night that he does want us to settle down together, that he's serious and we're not stupid kids dating we're actually in a full blown relationship and I need to stop being so paranoid and chill. Not sure if he was saying things that he thought I wanted to hear or if he really did mean them. He's promised he hasn't spoken to his ex for a long long time and she is fully aware of me and knows who I am and has told him she's happy he has found someone but again, not sure if that's true or not.

I wouldn't believe him and the issue still stands regardless of his "reasons" He was shagging a married women! Morals!
He then continued to keep in contact while with you! Also lied about where she works.

You've been hurt before so you seriously need to think whether this is a good idea OP.
He sees cheating as okay! Red flag to me!!

Im so glad she is happy the man she had an affair with behind her husbands back is happy! Nice girl!

It seems she is a bit of a slut when reading some of the comments on her facebook pictures too so I'd not be surprised if she is still shagging about behind her husbands back with several guys. I admit I did go looking on her social media to see if there were any clues as she doesn't seem bothered about getting caught

It seems she is a bit of a slut

Please do not use this word to describe a woman, ever. Would you describe your partner, who happily shags married women, as a slut?

Yeah I agree. If she's a slut so is he.

I wonder what you're getting out of this relationship? He sounds like a bit of a cold fish. I wouldn't want to have to remind someone to buy me a birthday card. He doesn't sound affectionate. His involvement with her sounds hard to break - I can understand how that can happen, but it makes it very difficult for you. But even without that, he doesn't sound as though he's got the emotional depth that I'd want.

So he has few morals (she's not only married she has kids - how old are they? Are you sure none of them his?) m

Sounds like HE was an unfaithful husband too

"Its a long complicated story about him cheating on his wife, it was over with anyway and they were in the process of divorce but still living together when it happened" of COURSE "it's complicated" 🙄 I take it this is just what HE told you? Ever spoken to his ex wife? Seen their divorce papers?

"They don't have children together as she was married before they even met." That doesn't mean none of her children are his!

Keeps bouncing back to her - "just sex" nah not buying that

Still in contact with her

LIED to you about her

Personally with all you've said - I think it's distinctly possible you're a type of beard - so she can say to her husband "of course I'm not seeing him any more he's got a new woman"

NO you don't get to call her (or any woman actually) a slut! She hasn't behaved ANY worse than he has!

Get rid of him - he's REALLY not that into you and your DC deserve MUCH better too (personally forgetting DC's birthday I'd bin for)

Get therapy - to address your low self esteem, low standards in relationships and poor view of women but overly forgiving view of men

Apparently for two children the CM would be £336 per week.

@ryder63 - yes I would actually, I've seen plenty of male sluts in my time so if the cap fits.

@Hollow - I didn't have to remind him to get my a birthday card, I had to remind him about my daughters birthday and point him in the right direction on what to get.

@Graphista - her kids are all late teens early twenties so yeah none of them are his I'm 100% sure about that. No I've not spoken to his ex wife but I am good friends with some of her friends so I know what has gone on there as it is common knowledge within their group. It is a long story with his wife, she was no angel herself and their divorce was in the final stages when he started seeing this other woman so legally he cheated on her but morally he didn't. I don't have a low view of women, as I've said above if anyone is cheating and flirting with random people (male or female) then they are a slut, what is so wrong with using that term considering the amount of other derogatory terms used on here that seem acceptable??

What has CM got to do with this? They are NOT his kids, I am a million % certain he has no kids anywhere nevermind with her.

The situation with his ex wife isn't the sign of how low this guy's character is, op.

The fact that he fucked a married woman for 8 years is.

It seems when pp point that out, you switch to calling the married woman a slut. But it's got nothing to do with her. HE is the one who, by carrying on with her for literally years, has shown his character really clearly to you.

Strong feelings are really not a reason to work your arse off trying to ignore that you're in a relationship with a man of low morals who isn't even nearly that into you.

He's making is suuuuper super clear that you aren't a priority to him and that you'd never feel comfortable/at ease with him...

But you seem dead set on ignoring that and instead focusing on the cheapest thing in the world: his words. You talked to him and he told you he's in it for the Long haul and you're now going to try to ignore the obvious facts of the matter - his actions, over a very long time - and just go with the words.

This is how folk set themselves up for horrendous heartbreak op. But you seem set on it so good luck!

Take a bow, PrizeOik. You've summed the whole sorry thing up nicely!

PrizeOik - well said

Op I'm out - you blame her AND his ex wife but put him on a pedestal. Your language and thought processes display your internalised misogyny (probably partly why you're willing to be treated so badly).

Your choice, you're the one that'll get hurt. But I do feel sorry for DC involved and messed about.

I have never ever blamed his ex wife, she had her own problems and has my full sympathy for the whole thing as she never asked for any of it.

I was trying to move on from the past as everyone said I should but now it seems the past is the most important thing here so I'll end it tonight and move on with my life as that sounds the simplest thing to do.

All I wanted was a bit of advice on his actions and it seems I've got advice on everyone's actions so thanks for that.

I only ever wanted to be happy.

Op - swerve this one!

I’ve been in a similar position with a guy who was on/off with someone for years, he always went back to her after every failed relationship in between. I chose to ignore this because I thought I’d be the one who could make him stop.
He Carried on talking to her behind my back etc.

Words are cheap. I believed what he told me because I wanted to, similar to you. It all turned out to be bollocks and he’s back with her again!

Save yourself the trouble, find someone who wants you and only you

Reading back everyone told you from the beginning his lack or morals is what should be your concern. Its not past when its still there.
They were/are both as bad as each other.
I feel sorry for his ex wife and wouldn't believe a word he tells you.
You'll end up being the next "wifey" he pisses on for the married woman.

Its all advice OP, we can't force you to take it but I really hope for your sake you do. Of course you're defensive you love this guy! But love hurts and this arse will end up stinging.

Binxee thank you for your message, sounds like exactly the same as this guy. I know what I need to do, thank you.

Yes he has no morals and I know I've tried to protect him as I do love him but I need to step back and look at it how you are all looking at it, he's not going to change no matter what I do or say, I've tried hard to make this work and I even had a message from one of his friends last week saying she was so happy he'd found me as I'm exactly what he needs which was nice of her but is he exactly what I need. I think I know the answer to that.
Thanks guys, even the very harsh comments have been helpful.

The harsher comments on MN are often the ones that help the OP see things the most clearly.

The word 'slag' IS mysognistic - as a poster on another thread said once, it is a word used to denigrate women's sexuality, and used as a control term.

I'm glad you are seeing the realities of the situation, through the pps here. Sorry it isn't what you wanted to hear.

*used by men to denigrate etc;

To be honest I'm not sure what I wanted to hear, I just wanted advice on what others thought about his actions.
I never said slag I said she seemed like a slut judging by the comments by men on her photos on Facebook, I know it's not a nice term but it's better than cunt which is what I called him 😊