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Original poster

Am I being selfish

35 replies

1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 07:22

Advice needed please.. met my ideal partner OLD 7mths ago, hit it off instantly, i was separating at the time so a bit complicated on my side, my dp was single and knew my situation, not thrilled but stuck with me and was my rock throughout it all, helped me get my new place up together, was there for me when things were good. Was there even more for me when things were bad, when things were fucking shit dp was always there for me. Dropped anything min notice reply to a message never failed me once. Got me through without complaints and understanding my commitment to my 2dds first and foremost.

Now I fear I'm failing her..

My dds don't know about dp so we don't see each other when I have them. 40/60 split with stbex. I have other interests also which take up a bit of time and run a business. Dp has older dcs who I know so has more time to give to a relationship. Rarely complains about it, and always happy and turns me to a melting mess just with her smile and loving caring personality.

I can't stop thinking constantly about dp, we get on so well on every level, but feel it's not fair to her not be giving as much as perhaps she wants. Dp thinks maybe I went from my marriage although over long ago, to relationship with her too quickly.
We tried to separate a while ago nc but just couldn't do it. I love dp and she loves me I have no doubts about it.

How do I get a happy resolution to this?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2018 07:38

Make the time for her and make more of an effort, surely. Hmm

Weezol · 05/04/2018 07:48

She should come before your hobbies. Think about what is really important to you.

If I continually came second to say, golf or band practice, I'd feel unappreciated, unvalued and would be gone.

TokenGinger · 05/04/2018 08:05

Agree with Weezol. Hobbies are great and I don’t propose you give them up, but do them slightly less frequently to give her some time or find a joint hobby.

Angrybird123 · 05/04/2018 08:07

Agree with others. You can choose the hobbies at the 'single man' level or you can choose to prioritise her..figure out together what's reasonable / acceptable on both sides. Personally (and from experience) I do think.its a bad idea to jump from one relationship to another but you can't help that now. At some point you will need to tell and introduce your kids also if you want to progress the relationship and make it real.

mzcracker · 05/04/2018 08:11

I don't really understand the problem. If you feel you aren't giving her enough then start making more of an effort.
Has she actually voiced these concerns to you?

Chippyway · 05/04/2018 08:15

What’s the problem?

You know what to do. I don’t see the big deal? Either make more time for her or risk losing her.

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 08:18

mzcracker yes she has once, why we went NC. Some weeks we might only see each other for 1 night and she is not happy about it. I understand that and want more but can't find how?
I like to have my space as not given it in marriage and dp knows this Confused

OP posts:
Weezol · 05/04/2018 08:23

Were you seeking support during the bad times more than one night a week? I'm including phone calls, texts etc in this.

mzcracker · 05/04/2018 08:29

Some of us on this thread have told you how. Make more time for her and less time for other interests.
If I had supported someone through difficulties and then when all was settled they didn't bother making time for me I would feel pretty used.

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 08:36

weezol yes was easier for me to spend time with dp at home still so dds not an issue at that point.
Yes I can see how she would feel used also, never my intention to do that.

OP posts:
Weezol · 05/04/2018 08:55

I suggest you get your act together sharpish then if you want any chance of saving this relationship.

Plan your time accordingly. And apologise for your selfishness, even if it wasn't intentional.

If you genuinely can't free up more than once a week, you should not be in a relationship with anyone.

And read this, it's good relationship advice from a man (but it's good advice for anybody imo).

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

category12 · 05/04/2018 10:40

Basically what you want and what she wants are incompatible. You want her to be around when you want her, and to be happy with that level. She isn't happy with it and you're not prepared to meet her needs. No-one is wrong as such, just incompatible. Let her go.

Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 10:47

I don't see what the problem is? Either you want to have a relationship with her, in which case you make time for her and see her regularly, or you don't in which case you break up with her and let her find someone who does want a relationship with her. You can't just expect someone to wait around to be picked up when you feel like it, she's a person, not a toy.

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2018 10:54

Yes, I'm afraid that you are being selfish. It sounds like she really put herself out to carry you through a difficult time but now you've got yourself back on an even keel, you aren't prepared to put yourself out for her.

Either make some compromises for her or stop wasting any more of her time.

mogratpineapple · 05/04/2018 10:55

Where does she stand in your list of priorities?
Never mind this 'I don't mean to...' be accountable.
Are you being selfish? Yes.

RatherBeRiding · 05/04/2018 10:58

I also don't see the problem. You want to spend more time with her, can't stop thinking about her blah blah blah, but want your own space and your hobbies?

Decide your priorities.

Also - what is the problem with your DP meeting your children and spending time with you then?

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 11:02

weezol that has hit me right where I needed it. Time to make some changes, was thinking that may be I needed some casual dating rather than one relationship straight from a marriage? Sow some seeds so to spk, but I have the perfect woman and was about to risk it all, going to start sharing my passion with her, off to get her all the safety gear. Even work can take back seat today.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2018 11:06

Does she want to try your hobby?

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 11:19

cat12 Dp has always shown a interest yes. Just never got round to sharing with her, only explaining all about it and to my shame looking back did all the right things said all right things, did her own research into it to gain more insight. Christmas got me the perfect gift to do with it (nobody's done that) and I'm only seeing today.
I am a bloody fool.

My dds don't know about dp as thought best not to go from there mum to someone else to soon. Difficult ages although would like me to meet someone so they said.

Thanks for the honesty all yes I have been a selfish asshole.

OP posts:
perroy · 05/04/2018 11:29

Hope it works out for you.

dirtybadger · 05/04/2018 11:31

The ideal solution is that she enjoys your hobby. If you cant or wont make time for her, then I think you have just discovered you arent compatable.

I guess it's selfish. But you are allowed to be selfish. Just dont be an arse and promise her something that wont happen.

I am in the same boat as you in terms of lack of time. I see DP once a week or less, but have been together 3+ years. Used to see each other once every 4-6 weeks. I guess the difference is that it just doesnt bother either of us that much. I am the "busy" one, but he doesnt mind. In contrast previous DP wanted to see me more, and this meant reducing how much time I spent with one of my hobbies- which made me resent him, and meant I lost touch with important people in my life who I knew through it/them. He was happy, but then I wasnt.

If you are considering spending less time on a hobby to spend more time with DP- consider how you will feel about it if you break up, if you want to do this, or are doing it for her only (and may resent it later), and whether you are likely to be able to keep it up long term. If you will resent the choice, feel it is bad or unviable long term, then be kind to DP and end it, because it sounds like it may not be possible for both of you to have your needs met in this relationship.

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 11:44

dirtybadger Thanks for the input, I would love for dp to join me in my interest, and as she has shown such I am now hoping it is something that we can do together. So lots more quality time. All I can do is try. Never resent her as she has never asked me not to do it or go, may be is hurt not asked her to come with me before?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 05/04/2018 11:51

Hi OP
This situation is almost a replica of one a close relative went through ten years ago.
They are together still and happier than ever.
To find someone who is selfless and loving,who makes you so happy is very rare.
Start to find time for her and consider introducing her to your dc,bring her into your life rather than on the outside.it doesn't matter that you are straight out of another relationship.what matters is being happy and making your lo happy too.
I imagine your life without her would be quite empty?

Original poster
1moresurvey · 05/04/2018 12:16

karmastar
To find someone who is selfless and loving,who makes you so happy is very rare.
what matters is being happy and making your lo happy too.
I imagine your life without her would be quite empty?

You hit the nail on the head there.
I have a very busy life always doing something, but I can never not have my phone with me, always telling dp what is happening, asking her opinion, telling her something silly, checking up to see ok or Xxx if nothing to say.
Sound like a teenager ha, but she is always in my mind whatever I doing.
Just looked at her pix, I am beyond lucky she stuck with me and try and make it right.

OP posts:
Isetan · 05/04/2018 12:29

You love her but just not enough to prioritise her.

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