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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never had a relationship....

35 replies

ReigningChaos · 04/04/2018 20:38

As the title says, I have never been in a relationship. Never been on a date. Never been hit on. Never had sex. Never been kissed.

Pretty sure I'm straight too - not that it would be a problem but it seems to be the "go-to" explanation for why I've never been with a man.

And as you're all wondering, I'm mid-30's.

Weird right?

OP posts:
fridayrain · 04/04/2018 20:40

Yea it is weird given you haven't put this in any context.

BastardGoDarkly · 04/04/2018 20:46

Seems pretty self explanatory to me Friday Hmm

Would you like to op? Have you thought about on line dating? Just to get out there, see how you feel?

fridayrain · 04/04/2018 20:56

Well @BastardGoDarkly Confused why does she not give more information to go on. If she's mid 30s and has never kissed then surely she has an inkling as to why this could be. How is anyone meant to give a helpful comment with no other info?!

GlutenFreeMe · 04/04/2018 20:57

When I was in this scenario, I could never decide if I wanted people to say 'Ugh, yes, you weirdo, no one will ever like you' or 'well, a bit, but it won't be a big deal when you find someone on your wavelength'.

It is difficult.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 04/04/2018 21:03

I dont think making comments would bf helpful op but if it is something you would like to change try meeting up with people for dates to see how you like them but dont feel pressured into anything you are not comfortable with

Original poster
ReigningChaos · 04/04/2018 22:23

I've always been very shy. Guys I fancy don't fancy me. A few reasons why I've never kissed.

And ofcourse the longer I go without the harder it gets and it all becomes more and more alien to me. After all this time it's not something I'd be confident at. But yes, finding a guy is something I would like. I find the idea of online dating a bit strange tho I know plenty of people who have found love that way.

I probably have a naivety about it all too. Like, I'd like to just meet someone and hit it off rather than go searching for it. There is a guy who has been popping in and out of work - very randomly - and the past few times we've had a bit of chitchat and I tried to be a little flirty. He was nice and part of me would love to believe he was flirting but I think he was just being nice. I don't know. I've imagined what it might be like go on a date with him, be with him.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 04/04/2018 23:26

Sorry I have no advice. Just wanted to say be careful with online dating since you said you like to meet someone and hit it off. It can happen in online dating and then the guy can do a runner. You have to be quite savvy, confident and not get ahead of yourself with falling for people. Do try it, but with caution.

Original poster
ReigningChaos · 05/04/2018 00:04

Thanks Ana.... though online dating doesn't appeal to me so I probably won't be taking that route Smile

OP posts:
toffee1000 · 05/04/2018 00:20

Neither have I, although I’m younger than you are (only early 20s). I have ASD and v v low self-esteem. For a long time, I wasn’t really interested in guys. Then, when I realised I was, I was much too shy to approach someone. My university course didn’t have many guys on it, and those that were on it were mostly taken or I wasn’t really attracted to them.
I’ve been too shy to even talk to that many guys, I’ve been too worried in case I come across too strong/like I want to “get off with” them so to speak, which would just be awkward as fuck if they were already in a relationship. It’s ridiculous when I read it, but anxiety often is.
I’ve wanted to befriend guys in the past but my negative voice has jumped in saying “you won’t have anything in common”, “you’re too weird”, “they wouldn’t want to befriend you”, which has held me back. I’d definitely want to befriend a guy first, there is absolutely no way I’d do anything like online dating. It’s difficult enough for people who are self-confident, it’d be a disaster for me. I’ve been trying to contact various places to get self-help but mental health services are dire.

Apologies for hijacking your thread. But you’re not the only one! You do sound like you’re struggling with self-esteem rather, so I’d work on that first. Of course, it is easier said than done. It’s easy for people comfortably in a relationship to advise that you join a club/“just put yourself out there”, but if you’ve never done it before and you’re incredibly shy it’s not that easy.

category12 · 05/04/2018 00:23

Well, ask random work popping man if he'd like to go for a coffee.

Mellodrama · 05/04/2018 01:29

Just out of curiosity OP, do you have your own place?

midsummabreak · 05/04/2018 01:42

Why Mellodrama ?

junebirthdaygirl · 05/04/2018 01:55

My df never had a date until her 30s. When we were in college all of us were on dates had bfs etc. Then a new guy joined her work. They just hit it off. Her only boyfriend.Now married over 20 years with 4 teens. He just suits her perfectly as she is an outdoor type and he loves camping and cycling etc. They just fit. Join some clubs. Take up some new stuff. You only need one guy not tons of unsuitable ones.

OrangeCrush19 · 05/04/2018 09:35

OP and toffee - do you have female friends (who might have male friends)? It seems for both of you that friendship and getting to know people gradually and naturally would be the way to go.

And the more people you know, the more chance you have of them introducing you to someone who might introduce you to someone who could be right for you (if you see what I mean)

toffee1000 · 05/04/2018 13:42

Yes, but not that many; the ones I met at university don’t live anywhere near me unfortunately!
I’d definitely prefer to meet someone and befriend them first.

Hopefully you’ve seen you’re not the only one, OP. You do have male friends/acquaintances, which is something. As others have said, you may be giving off an anxious/un-self-confident vibe, as it were, and guys are picking up on it. Confidence is attractive. (Yes I do need to tell myself this!) It’s standard Mumsnet advice (as well as elsewhere), you should learn to love yourself before attempting any kind of relationship.
Try not to come across as too desperate or that you’re looking for a romantic relationship straight off the bat, I imagine that’d be off-putting. Focus on befriending people first.

Original poster
ReigningChaos · 05/04/2018 23:52

Cat12 - I'd love to have the confidence to do that. He's too good looking tho, I wouldn't stand a chance. He's gone now anyway!

Self-esteem is an issue. Put me in a line-up with 5 other women and I wouldn't be anyone's first choice. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, funnier and outgoing. I can't compete. And the fact that I've never even bit chatted up - not even when someone's been drunk at the end of the night and just looking for a quick snog - proves that. Being confident is one thing but your looks and personality still have to match up.

I don't have many friends .... work colleagues ... a different kind of friendship I always think and they'd be older than me with an circle of friends.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/04/2018 00:11

What do you like about yourself?

Original poster
ReigningChaos · 06/04/2018 00:14

Honestly. Right now, not much. And I know, you have to love yourself before someone else can.

But right now I just can't.

OP posts:
toffee1000 · 06/04/2018 00:28

I feel you, OP. If you’ve never had any interest from anyone, that can be a real confidence knock.
Hopefully someone more helpful will pop along.

category12 · 06/04/2018 00:30

I dunno that that is true, there's plenty of people with shite self-esteem in relationships Grin. Or maybe they just end up with it because of the relationships. (Sorry, I digress).

Have you actively tried ways of improving your social confidence/flirting skills, putting yourself out there? What do you do in your leisure time?

Cify · 06/04/2018 00:34

What do you do out of work? Could you try doing two new activities each week? Could really help to boost your self esteem and meet some new people.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 06/04/2018 11:23

My husband was the same until I came along when he was 30. He'd got into the same position as you, been shy growing up then it became a bigger and bigger thing to overcome. Anyway, one Christmas party, I put paid to all of that and 20 years later we're happily married with two kids. It is never too late.

Diamondangel8 · 07/04/2018 09:33

Im staggered. You must be so shy or is it possible that you are A sexual? Cant one of your friends set you up on a date?

SM2132 · 07/04/2018 11:00

I have a friend who sounds very similar to you OP. She has kissed people in nightclubs when we were teens but that's it. It can be infuriating though as she complains about it, then refuses to do anything about it. We are mid 30's now.
I 'set her up' so to speak with someone who she said she liked the look of (a friend of my dh) basically hinted to him that he should add her on facebook which he did- and sent her a nice msg (a shy man himself, so it took a lot for him to do that) she didn't accept it. Anyway, back to you.
I really think you need to put yourself out there. If not online dating, what about walking groups, pub quiz, host bbq's and invite people. Be proactive.

SM2132 · 07/04/2018 11:03

Also, to go back to when you said that you haven't ever been 'chatted up'. Have you ever chatted anyone up? My point is, there are plenty of men out there who are also shy, who wouldn't dream of chatting someone up. It is a matter of finding them! Also, when you said there is always someone better than you- that is true of men too, they have the same insecurities as women do.

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