Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never had a relationship....

35 replies

ReigningChaos · 04/04/2018 20:38

As the title says, I have never been in a relationship. Never been on a date. Never been hit on. Never had sex. Never been kissed.

Pretty sure I'm straight too - not that it would be a problem but it seems to be the "go-to" explanation for why I've never been with a man.

And as you're all wondering, I'm mid-30's.

Weird right?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReigningChaos · 08/04/2018 22:51

I have spent so much time over the past few weeks thinking about this that my head is absolutely frazzled. Thank you for your input even tho most of you are a loss as much as I am!

Toffee.... you are in your 20's.... go find someone, don't end up like me.

I've thought about being asexual..... but I don't know. I want a relationship and all that goes with it. I fantasize about all aspects of it.

I think it's a mixture of a lot of factors. You just assume that it's going to happen, then it doesn't and it snowballs until you find yourself mid-30's wondering what the hell happened. Lack of confidence and a little self loathing. I am my own worst enemy at times too, I know that. I think .... what if I do meet someone...Will I know how to kiss? Will it be obvious? Same with sex. How do you tell someone you've never done it? Pretty sure it'd scare any man off. There's the inevitable meeting of the friends situation... but I don't have any friends for someone to meet. My list of scenarios is endless.

So maybe I hold back because it's easier. Because I can't handle the reality of how weird I am and how strange this situation is. Because.... I'm scared.

Or maybe it just really isn't meant to happen for me.

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/04/2018 10:23

I appreciate that online dating doesn't appeal to you, but in your shoes I think I'd give it a go, to to find out what's out there. You probably look perfectly fine, but your self esteem issues are holding you back. Even if you're not a natural stunner (how many of us are really?) plenty of very average looking people manage to find good partners, so it's not just about looks. Just try to make sure you are the best version of yourself you can be. (Maybe time for a professional makeover/new hair do to kick start things? )

You don't come over as 'weird' but again, even if you were, plenty of so-called 'weird' people find partners too. They just need to find people who are on the same wavelength as them.

You're not going to change the situation by sitting at home. You need to dig deep and find that tiny, fledgling bit of confidence to get out there and give it a go.

SevenStones · 09/04/2018 10:37

I think working on your self confidence and self esteem generally would be a better idea. I tried OLD but as a shy, awkward person, I just found I came across as 'not me' on dates and caused myself more stress and anxiety trying to be a person that other people would like.

Maybe try and remove the focus on trying to find someone and focus on turning around your self loathing because if you hate yourself, how can someone love the you that is consumed by that? I think it might get in the way, and be a barrier between you and another person.

Kissing will be fine, as will sex, when you meet a man who likes you for yourself he's not going to be put off because of your lack of experience. Flowers

MrPottergaveDobbyasock · 09/04/2018 11:13

I think you need to take a step back and completely forget about having a partner/ kiss/ sex. Completely remove that from the table for a bit.

While that's off the table, can you focus on building up your self esteem? I promise you, there is something about you that is bloody brilliant, you just need to find it. I used to struggle a lot with this, then I thought about it and decided I actually love my brain. Yes it works very differently to 'normal' brains but who in their right minds wants to be normal?? My brain can do things others can't, and that's the thing I hold onto in the darkest bits.

OP, all the very best people in the world are a little bit weird. I actually fully believe it's the thing that makes people attractive. Embrace it with both hands and run with it.

Mellodrama · 09/04/2018 11:15

OP are you from Liverpool?

WelshGirl2 · 09/04/2018 20:14

Hi OP, I was in the same situation as you until a year go, and had exactly the same worries as you - how do I kiss, can a guy tell I have never kissed, won't someone run a mile when they find I have never had sex or a previous relationship etc.

Then I started getting to know a guy i had know as an acquaintance for a while better - we flirted, we texted, we chatted. Before we went on any actual dates i spent hours asking the Internet how to kiss, and watching videos giving kissing tips. I was convinced I would be terrible at it. When we did kiss I was terrified beforehand but was absolutely fine, I just copied what he did and enjoyed it very much. And even got a bit brave and tried some things I had read about.

Not long after that I told him I had never had sex nor been in a relationship. Yes it took me all my courage to make myself say the words to him, I was so incredibly embarrassed and so scared of his reaction. I could barely get the words out. But again it was fine. There wasn't really any reaction at all from him. He didn't think I was weird, he didn't run, he had no problem with it. He reassured me that it was fine.

I actually asked him recently whether he would have known I had never kissed if I hadn't told him, he said he wouldn't have.

As others have said someone who likes you for yourself won't mind at all about lack of experience.

Michaela90 · 10/04/2018 16:20

I might be wrong but you could sign up to dating sites don't have to meet them but chatting to a guy on there or a few might build up your self esteem and confidence a bit least it's a step forward to getting a bit of confidence and esteem you never know might find someone who really likes you and you might like them . Your in control with it and it will take the pressure off face to face if your shy and it might help you be less shy it's thought . Hope that was good advice if not sorry

Diamondangel8 · 10/04/2018 19:03

Time to ask that guy out at work for a coffee. You only live once and sex is something good to be experienced;-) You are missing out big time.

Diamondangel8 · 10/04/2018 19:05

If I were you I would get a vibrator too. You can order one discreetly off the internet. They are def worth getting.

Original poster
ReigningChaos · 12/04/2018 19:55

Mellodrama - I am not from Liverpool. Visited once but live further north.

Sound advice from everyone. I do need to work on myself, I know that. So beauty treatments booked, a few self-help books purchased (always been a skeptical but you never know....) and a night out planned.

Random work guy - lets call him Bob - has gone and won't be back for a good while. I was/am quite taken with him though and it's because I've got such a crush on him that's got me thinking about this whole situation.

I would like to eventually meet someone but I'm not going out with that as my intention. I'm not going on a night out thinking "I gotta snog soneone tonight".

Maybe my confidence will be up by the time Bob comes back.....

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread