How do I approach this?

[sianc91]

So me and oh got together in December 2016, split up for 4 months in July 2017 and have been together since November 2017. We didn't split for anything bad. It just wasn't the right time. So over all we have been together for nearly 11 months, we are exclusive and in a long term relationship. He still hasn't suggested me meeting his kids and his family. He's met my son but not my family. How should I approach this?

I'd approach this by having a face to face conversation with my oh next time it was convenient to do so.

I'm finding it really hard to bring up. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable? I'm worried about why he's still not bringing this up after all this time.

Why can’t you ask him if he thinks it time for you both to meeting each other’s families? Perfectly reasonable question.

I think it’s sensible to hold off meeting children just yet, you’ve hardly been together long and have already broken up before. It doesn’t sound like the relationship will last.

You have to talk to him about it.

Yes, it might be difficult and yes, he might say things you don't want to hear. But better that than you carrying on and having the conversation a year or two from now.

It's me really as I find talking about emotional things difficult and he just doesn't let much go. He has recently told me he loves me and has previously said that he does want me to meet the kids and live together but because of some stuff going on in his life I haven't brought it up for a while.

Yes I know we broke up once before but it was completely different. Nothing bad happened and it wasn't anything to do with our feelings for each other. It was about the time not being right so it was a mutual decision with a lot of reluctance as although we wanted to stay together, between us we didn't know if then was the right time for commitment but things changed and a few months later we were in a better position.

Is 11 months in total too soon? I didn't think it was given that we got back together on the basis that we were in a committed relationship?

Out of interest fissionchips why don't you think the relationship will last? **

Simply because when two people really do love each other then they will not break up with that person unless for extreme reason and certainly not when you are supposed to be in the honeymoon period. Also, you’re already not communicating well with each other. Just doesn’t bode well considering the very short time you’ve actually been together.

The fact we broke up has nothing to do with anything because as I say it was due to our circumstances at the time not being conducive to a relationship as we both knew that if we are in a relationship it needs to be right. In terms of the communication, I know that's an issue given the reason for my post and request for help with this. Thanks for your help btw

Well you did ask

My husband and i broke up and had a rocky start but we've been together 15years.

I think you should look at the progression of the relationship as a whole. If he has told you he loves you recently, that would be a good place to start.

You could say how much it meant to you and why you feel now might be a good time to talk about meeting his children. Tell him there's no pressure but you feel now would be a good idea to start at least thinking along those lines. That way, you're both on the same page.

Thankyou for that fridayrain. I wouldn't even say we had a rocky start. We get on amazingly well, never had a cross word and are in constant communication but unfortunately we both struggle to talk about serious subjects. It's just the way we are.
That's sort of along the lines I was thinking. The issues he's been having with his kids is now resolved so I'm hoping he will think nows the right time to tell them about me and then meet me soon. I really wish he would talk to me more about this sort of stuff.

My ex and I met each other's children after 6 and 8 weeks respectively but we rarely saw each other's after that as he lived an hour away and our kids were with the other parent on our weekends together (EOW). However my LO doesn't see their dad so was always with us except on nights out. He met my mum after a few dates as she was babysitting and he brought me home. I met his parents after a few months and we met up with his aunties last summer on holiday and did things together. My situation/experience might be slightly unusual and many may say that was too soon but for us the timing was right. It turned out my kids didn't like his kids so that was one of the reasons we split up after 11 months. However, I'd have been concerned if he hadn't have wanted me to meet anyone after a few months or even be talking about it. I'd have been thinking he was hiding something or wondering if he was actually divorced.
Do you live close to each other? How often do you see each other? It sounds as though you thinks there's a reason why he's not introduced you yet and you're scared what that might be.

We have spoken about this when we got back together in November but once we had settled into being back together in was Christmas so thought best to leave it, then his daughter was suffering an anxiety related health problem so again decided we needed to leave it until it died down then between Feb and 2 weeks ago his kids had to live with him due to an issue at home so I think it's perfectly reasonable not to have pursued it during this period. We last spoke about it in February but I'm a bit concerned that he hasn't brought it up now that the kids have gone home and things are settling down. I'm 99% sure that the reason he isn't bringing this up and not rushing it is because he doesn't want to do anything to upset his kids who are 11 and 13 and haven't been introduced to anyone since he and their mum split up 5 years ago. I completely respect how he feels but he was the one who pursues getting back together on the basis that he did feel ready to commit and introduce me to their lives. He lives 12 miles away and we usually see each other 2 times per week but varies. We've seen each other every day since Thursday this week x

So did you not see each other whilst his kids were living with him?

We did but only when they were visiting his mums or if there were days we were both off work and the kids were at school. It was quite a difficult period and there was a gap of 2 weeks but glad that that's finally over.

Sorry that above post is me. Just changed my username!!

I'm just trying to gauge how much time you've actually spent together and it doesn't seem like much. If he's been split from his ex for 5 years then I'm struggling to see how it wasn't a good time for a relationship. I'm also concerned as to an 11 or 13 year old having anxiety issues and wondering why. I don't think he's being totally honest with you about things, there's something that going on somewhere as it just doesn't sound right. Time for a chat.

It's really hard explaining things on here as everything gets Mis interpreted. I know we aren't perfect but I know there's nothing to worry about in terms of his daughter and I do 100% believe that he is just trying to protect them and that he also struggles to talk about how he feels. I do trust him and don't think he's hiding anything from me.

Sounds like there might be a backstory here. My instincts say something isn't right here and I think yours do too otherwise you wouldn't be asking on here. I hope I'm wrong though. Please just talk to him. Two people who can't discuss important things like this are going to struggle to maintain a relationship.

Hmm it’s a slight red flag that he hasn’t introduced you to his DC and family after 11 months. A guy a knew was the same with his girlfriend and it was a lack of comittment. It’s far easier to walk away when the children are not involved in any way. He also said it was because he was ashamed of his gf and her children (they are very different from his own) and the relationship has been shit ever since.

I’m not saying that is the same in your relationship but it should perhaps raise an alarm bell. I would discuss with him and see if you can plan something really informal, a coffee or something. When I was in a similar situation I met his kids for dinner the first time which was really informal and lovely.

We got back together 5 months ago but minus the 4 months were weren't together is 11 in total. Initially the issue was fear of commitment but he initiated us getting back together stating he does want commitment now so I really hope it isn't that given that he pursued me!!
I've always found it really difficult to talk about things. It's because of my previous experiences and that discussing serious which involves emotions just makes me cry even though I'm not even upset which is why I think I avoid talking about things!!

So I finally brought this up with DP tonight. I think he doesn't really get why I need to ask this stuff but nonetheless did discuss it with me. He reminded me of all the ways he does show me how he feels about me and confirmed that he does think we have a good relationship and does want to progress things. He agrees that meeting the kids is the next step and thinks over the next 2 months thins will progress on that front. I feel better as I've gained some reassurance but worse as I feel a bit like I've annoyed him by asking as he's very different to me and I think doesn't need things spelling out like I do!! I feel like now the ice has been broken it sort of paves the way for these conversations in the future so I need to try and keep the communication going so I don't end up back here in a couple of months time!!

If his kids have anxiety issues I think your dp is very sensible in not adding more potential issues. Also this seems all about what YOU want. What about his kids? Has it crossed your mind that may not even want to meet their dads current girfriend? You are not even on their radar but you seem to think you should be.

His daughter has anxiety issues. 5 or 6 months into a relationship is no time at all. Slow down. There's plenty of time.