What do I do about a smoker ???

[robineile]

Im hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on what to do about my husband and his smoking. First of all let me say he is a great man, great husband and I love him very much. But this particular issue is driving me mad.

He is a heavy smoker and always has been. I do not smoke. He always smoked in his house but when I moved in over 5 years ago he agreed to go outside for a cigarette. However this has never really happened 100%. He will never smoke in a room I am in but I often smell cigarettes after I have gone to bed or if I come home from being out, or I will notice ash in the bin, things like that. So he still smokes in the house just not around me.

We have fought a lot about this and he has two takes on it 1)He doesn't smoke around me and a little smell is not a big deal, its not like he is blowing smoke in my face or sometimes 2) He apologises and agrees with me that I have a right to live in a smoke free home.

Its always been a source of conflict between us and causes an argument every few months.

The thing is I am now 6 months pregnant. Since I found out we have fought about this constantly as I cannot understand how he can still smoke in the house while I am pregnant. He agrees with me and each time we have a fight he swears he wont do it again but then sometimes I can smell smoke as soon as the next day. Its becoming a huge issue for me.
He isn't even apologetic anymore. He gets pissed off when I say it and says he will never do it again but more in an effort to stop my nagging than him actually thinking he is doing something wrong. I feel like I am dealing with a 17 year old who just tells me what I want to hear to shut me up and then continues doing what he wants.

I just dont know what to do about it. Should I just choose my battles and let this one go even though it makes me so angry ?
I find it hard to believe at this stage that even a baby in the house will stop him. But I also feel that once the baby arrives my tolerance for this (which barely exists anyway) will go to zero as its so unfair to smoke in the same house as a baby. So how much will we fight then ?

We had another massive fight last night as I got up at 1am to go to the toilet and the landing was stinking of cigarettes from him smoking downstairs. Im so annoyed with him but Im also tired of going around in circles fighting about the same thing.

Im hoping someone might have some good idea of what I can do as I feel like talking, explaining, fighting are all going in one ear and out the other and Im about to lose my mind.

Or do I just drop it and accept he is going to smoke in the house and so long as he doesnt do it in the same room as me thats the best Im going to get ? Even as I type that it annoys me as he would never force his smoking on anyone else... just me and now presumably soon, our baby.

Sorry for the long mail.. hopefully someone can help

Ask your mw for some factual information on babies and smokers.

Is he really happy your precious baby will have a tick on the sids risk because of him?

It sounds like he doesn't want to stop. If he does want to, he should see his GP - there is a lot of help out there.

But if he is hell bent on smoking in the house, then the question is - do you stay or go? What is more important to you? And to him? Has he thought about what he may lose if he is not willing to compromise (by smoking outside only)?

I smoked many years ago and when you're a smoker you can't smell the smoke in the way that a non smoker can. I don't know how I could bear to smoke inside. However, when I had a boyfriend who didn't smoke, I always smoked outside.

But this isn't just about the unpleasant smell, it's bad for the baby and is also linked to cot death.

I never ever understand why a non-smoker would date, live with and marry a smoker if they cannot abide the smell of smoke. Seriously. I hate smoking, have never smoked, and I could JUST possibly date a very very light smoker - I have a friend who might smoke one on a night out so that sort of level.

But a heavy smoker? And it's ALWAYS been a conflict between you and causes arguments every few months? Why on earth did you even continue this relationship, marry him, get pregnant and expect him to change? Seriously?

You can't make people change. And, in many ways, people shouldn't - you should accept them for who they are but if they have habits you really don't like (such as smoking or heavy drinking) then it's rarely going to work out. If you have concerns about the health of your baby then quite frankly, he either stops smoking in the house or you leave. End of.

How does he feel about switching to vaping? Have you discussed this alternative with him?

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

I completely understand where you're coming from - I was very weary of/avoided smokers while pregnant and I found it difficult enough comprehending letting DS be around smokers as a baby (my DP's parents and siblings all smoke). We finally took him to meet them just before he turned 4mo, stayed for a few hours and while they never smoked inside their flat the whole time we were there we went home stinking of tobacco. As soon as we got back, we all bathed, every item that was taken with us down to the lining on DS' pushchair was washed and then had to be washed again to get the smell out. I didn't sleep that night terrified about the connection between smoke and SIDS.

That was just one day so I can't even imagine how horrible it must be wanting to protect both yourself and your child (and to be honest your partner too!) all the time and be met with resistance. Your child's needs are the most important so if you feel as strongly as it sounds like you do then you desperately need to get him onboard. Speak to your midwife about it, bring home leaflets for him to read, etc. Consider temporary alternative living conditions for the first few weeks of your baby's life if he still won't stop smoking inside. It's extreme but it might be exactly what he needs.

You'll probably get a fair few comments telling you that he can and should do whatever he wants, etc but you are already focused on looking out for your baby as your top priority - you're a mum who just wants to minimise the risks for her child. That is the important thing here and you're going to be a great mum. Best of luck with the pregnancy and I sincerely hope the situation gets sorted quite quickly and without unnecessary drama.

Thanks for the advice everyone, particularly Aprilmightmemynewname, I will definitely do that and maybe if I go back to him with some information on how bad it is it will help. He does actually want to give up cigarettes, in the 8 years we have been together he has given them up three times, twice for almost a year. Im hoping that he will get there eventually but for the moment I just need him not to smoke inside.

ShatnersWig, it hasnt always been a source of conflict for us, just since we moved in together, which is 5 years out of an 8 year relationship. I havent always HATED smoking, just as I got older it has bothered me more and more. When I met him at 24 I actually didnt really care. In saying that despite this issue I am still glad I married him and if this situation never changes and I have to just put up with it, I will be ok to do that because we have a wonderful life and I love him very much. He just has his bad habits like everyone else.

I guess I am hoping that someone may have some constructive advice of something I can do (like Aprilmightmemynewname did) that may help the situation as fighting certainly isnt.

And if it turns out there is nothing I can do then so be it... Id still marry him again ten times over.

Try and get him a vaping. You can use e-liquid with high nicotine content. I've seen them successfully used by family members who no longer smoke any cigarettes and actually find the smell horrible themselves now. They release water vapour and should be, if not completely safe, much safer for your baby.

There are also Nicolette chewing gum and patches he can try. It is addictive and very hard to give up without using something to supplement the nicotine he won't be getting from smoking.

You could also sit down and have a long chat about not only the possible effects on unborn babies health but also his own. I've seen a family member waste away from cancer and it is extremely painful for them. And doctors are often unable to do anything. Second hand smoke is also a killer and it isn't ideal for a child to grow up with a smoker.

If he persists tell him how serious you feel about the issue. It's like or death and you value the life or your child and your own life. Give him an ultimatum, he quits or you won't stay with him anymore. At the end of the day, he is knowingly putting his child's life at risk. Yet, people who accidentally kill someone are sentenced to prison time?? The world we live in 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Thanks you so much for your lovely message grouchymamabear, thats exactly how I feel and youve just made me well up.
I worry so much about his health and I can only imagine how much I will worry about this baby when its born. It stresses me out and I just want to create the safest environment I can.

He's a fantastic person and I know he will be a fantastic dad but is just addicted to cigarettes. Ive suggested vaping, patches, hypnotism .. all those things but he always says no, he was successful before going cold turkey (albeit only for a year each time) and feels that is the way he will get off them.

I haven't actually produced any literature on the risks associated with smoking around a child (or a pregnant wife !) as of yet so I will definitely get on to that today and bring it home. Hopefully that will help a bit. Thanks so much for all your advice. xx

So he was a heavy smoker when you met, a heavy smoker when you dated, a heavy smoker when you got married and now that you're pregnant he's... guess what!

You're not wrong as such, the dangers are well known. But honestly OP, what did you expect? The question is whether it's become a dealbreaker for you or not. You shouldn't be surprised he hasn't changed though.

Aaaand I've X-posted with a lot, so just ignore me!

Sorry you’re going through this, I second the advice to ask your midwife/doctor for some information regarding smoking and also the safe sleep guidelines (as it can be an increased risk factor for cot death). Or perhaps take him along to your next appointment and ask the midwife to talk to him about it? Maybe he’ll take it seriously if it’s coming from a HCP rather than you.

If that doesn’t change anything then I’d consider asking him to leave. FFS it’s not difficult to step out for a cigarette and by smoking in the house, when you’ve asked him not to, and when it is endangering the health of his unborn child is ridiculously selfish. It’s such an easy thing to remedy too, I’d be livid he’s causing so much stress and drama out of nothing except presumably sheer laziness and selfishness.

There are few smokers left but I don't know any who still smoke inside their house except pensioners. Everyone smokes outside even hardcore ones.

Adults do have the right to do what they want but only up the point where their right conflicts with other people's rights. Your baby has the right to clean safe air. The old saying goes: your right to swing your fists in the air stops at my face.

Personally I would arm yourself with the information on the risks of second hand smoke in pregnancy and around babies, give him it and let him digest it then offer an ultimatum: you either quit smoking indoors or I move out (or he moves out, either or). Tbh I am surprised your carbon monoxide levels weren’t high for the midwife. Mine came back at ‘light smoker’ level and I’m never around smokers! Pollution from living in a big city I guess...

Anyway that may sound like an extreme approach but sometimes addicts need it in order to quit, it’s a kick up the backside in ways. He must know the risks of doing it around a pregnant woman. He is harming his child.

Given it is a source of many arguments then you may be onto a loser with confronting it. He clearly has no intention of changing this - or no willpower to. Either way you are not going to enforce your wishes on someone unwilling. This is a concern of mine for the future as I smoke as does my partner. I have never smoked in a house, he always has. I don't want to live in a home with smoking, even if it's "just 1 room". In all honesty, as much as I love him, this is something that may mean we never live together.

I'd suggest gathering your literature and sitting down for a proper conversation. Warn him in advance that you want a proper calm conversation about it and how, as a couple, you are going to manage this once baby arrives. My thought would be, if he really can't go outside when you are in bed/out, could he use a vape for those times only? He's then got a choice, outside for a cig or inside with a vape. Whatever you suggest though you need to remember that this is a person who really doesn't see the issue and possibly never will.

My husband was a 40 a day smoker at one point. He had tried to stop previously and he was HORRIBLE to live with and he went back to it eventually. When I got pregnant he decided he wasn't going to smoke anymore and he changed to vaping and has also weaned himself down to barely any nicotine as well. He just needed the motivation to do it. Your husband needs to find his motivation (and an impending baby is quite good motivation!!) but if it's not perhaps information from the midwife would be enough to scare him in to it. It also would be helpful if he felt like he wasn't being deprived entirely and going cold turkey.

Aww bless you OP, I'm glad I could help in some way and apologies for the lack of formatting in my message, I swear it didn't look that way before I posted it! I know it's not easy but keep doing what you're doing, talk to your MW and be very honest about how your partner's smoking makes you feel because it's something that they probably deal with often. Hopefully he'll come around before LO arrives even if it is just more control over where he smokes, etc.

I’m a smoker but I never ever smoke indoors. It’s unhealthy and it stinks. I’m surprised he can’t go outside now you are pregnant and he absolutely must not smoke around you or the baby. It’s dangerous.
I gave up once for 3 years. I did it by vaping. I have now been wanting to give up again for 2 years but there is a real mentality of ‘I’ve done it once, I can do it again... so I’ll do it after ...(insert event/night out etc).’ It’s very tough. Hopefully the baby will be the motivation he needs to kick it again. Stand your ground on this. He knows he needs to go outside. He will be exasperated by your comments but he absolutely knows you’re right. If he smokes around the baby he needs to be chucked out until he realised how serious it is

Could you ask for a compromise for the sake of the baby? The baby and it’s needs come first. Could you get a summerhouse type building built in your back garden. Nice and comfy with a TV etc and that’s his smoking room? The only rule is that he washes his hands/cleans his teeth before kissing/touching baby? If he won’t compromise for the sake of his baby then I’d honestly move out until Baby is grown up and safe. It’s really not worth the risk. If something happens to your child you’ll never forgive yourself.

I don’t think he’ll listen if you relay information from the midwife, I think he will have to hear it first hand.

You might need to accept that he isn’t willing or able to give up for the sake of the baby’s health, or yours - in fact he isn’t even willing to compromise by smoking outside- and then consider how you move on from that.

OP - I don’t know how you can say that he is a fantastic husband where he so clearly puts himself and his needs first. He can’t step outside for a smoke, really?
What else will he - in the course of your joint life decide to do - the he knows you don’t like / might hurt you.

And - as to smoking around a pregnant wife - and later around the baby - is clearly harmful.
Lots of research about smoke exposure in pregnancy; and later - and cot death.
Just to start off.

And this is the man you are so hang up on keeping around.

If this post sounds angry - it is.
His choice to ruin his health - is His. Your choice to subject your heath to risks - is yours. But your baby - doesn’t seem to have a choice in this.
Great father to be. Indeed.

Get him The Allen Carr Easy way to give up smoking book. It gets right at the pschology of the addiction and has huge success with long term smokers. It doesnt rely on nicotine substitutes - you go cold turkey.
I'm currently reading it and really just want to break free.

That is honestly disgusting. I can't believe either of you would fathom bringing a baby into a home where someone is smoking inside. It is so dangerous for the baby's health. If he won't stop there are other things you can do, you just won't. It's unfortunate that neither of you will put the baby first.

I have a friend who smokes around her daughter. She smokes hanging out the door to her house. Her house stinks and her daughter has horrific asthma. Asthma medication doesn't control it. She spends months of the year in hospital. She's missed so much school she's had to repeat year levels. She also has nasal issues. It is bleeding obvious that her smoking is the cause of her issues but she won't stop smoking around her. What is an enjoyable habit for her is a real detriment to her daughter's life and future.