What do I do about a smoker ???

[robineile]

Im hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on what to do about my husband and his smoking. First of all let me say he is a great man, great husband and I love him very much. But this particular issue is driving me mad.

He is a heavy smoker and always has been. I do not smoke. He always smoked in his house but when I moved in over 5 years ago he agreed to go outside for a cigarette. However this has never really happened 100%. He will never smoke in a room I am in but I often smell cigarettes after I have gone to bed or if I come home from being out, or I will notice ash in the bin, things like that. So he still smokes in the house just not around me.

We have fought a lot about this and he has two takes on it 1)He doesn't smoke around me and a little smell is not a big deal, its not like he is blowing smoke in my face or sometimes 2) He apologises and agrees with me that I have a right to live in a smoke free home.

Its always been a source of conflict between us and causes an argument every few months.

The thing is I am now 6 months pregnant. Since I found out we have fought about this constantly as I cannot understand how he can still smoke in the house while I am pregnant. He agrees with me and each time we have a fight he swears he wont do it again but then sometimes I can smell smoke as soon as the next day. Its becoming a huge issue for me.
He isn't even apologetic anymore. He gets pissed off when I say it and says he will never do it again but more in an effort to stop my nagging than him actually thinking he is doing something wrong. I feel like I am dealing with a 17 year old who just tells me what I want to hear to shut me up and then continues doing what he wants.

I just dont know what to do about it. Should I just choose my battles and let this one go even though it makes me so angry ?
I find it hard to believe at this stage that even a baby in the house will stop him. But I also feel that once the baby arrives my tolerance for this (which barely exists anyway) will go to zero as its so unfair to smoke in the same house as a baby. So how much will we fight then ?

We had another massive fight last night as I got up at 1am to go to the toilet and the landing was stinking of cigarettes from him smoking downstairs. Im so annoyed with him but Im also tired of going around in circles fighting about the same thing.

Im hoping someone might have some good idea of what I can do as I feel like talking, explaining, fighting are all going in one ear and out the other and Im about to lose my mind.

Or do I just drop it and accept he is going to smoke in the house and so long as he doesnt do it in the same room as me thats the best Im going to get ? Even as I type that it annoys me as he would never force his smoking on anyone else... just me and now presumably soon, our baby.

Sorry for the long mail.. hopefully someone can help

I thought they have proven vaping chemicals can be worse the cigarettes. Anyway I wouldnt swap one for another unless it was a way to totally stop.

DH was a 40 a day smoker when we got together. He’d made half hearted attempts to quit before but always went back on them after a few days.

For me it was mainly a financial thing (before babies). When we moved in together, the last few days before payday he’d be asking me to “borrow” £20 for cigs. After two months of that shit I lost it, printed out some bank statements and highlighted in yellow marker where I knew he’d withdrawn cash to buy cigarettes. I pointed out that the amount he was spending wasn’t just impacting on him now, it was stopping us saving for a wedding and I wasn’t happy him using the money we both worked hard for to kill himself.

It came as a real shock to him- I think because I was so laid back about everything else he knew that this MATTERED.

He went out and bought a vape pen the next week and hasn’t touched a cigarette in three years, and hasn’t cracked even during some really stressful times- I’m so proud of him. MIL thanked me as she’d been nagging him for years to get off them, but it’s really down to him and his motivation to lead a healthier (hopefully longer) life.

"A review published in 2006 which found that babies in households where the father smoked but the mother did not, were 1.5 times more likely to die from SIDS than in households where father didn’t smoke."

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/smoking-and-risk-of-cot-death/

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would never expose my unborn baby or newborn to second hand smoke.

I couldn't be with a smoker full stop mind.... (not envy... yuck face!)

I don’t know how you can say that he is a fantastic husband where he so clearly puts himself and his needs first.

^^ this

www.babycentre.co.uk/x1048535/will-smoking-outside-protect-my-baby-from-second-hand-smoke

Google second hand smoke, pregnancy, newborn.... there is literally tons of research on it. Not one peice will you find saying anything good

Put your baby first

"Passive smoking also significantly increases the risk of SIDS"

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-smoking.pdf

Also:

americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-complications/second-hand-smoke-and-pregnancy/

I could go on......!

I can’t top any of the advice already given, but wanted to say I empathise!

My exW smoked but gave up before we had our DC. The difference was amazing - so much nicer to be around (and kiss) a non smoker.

Even with “light” smokers it’s like running your tongue around an ashtray

Thing is op, he’s probably not going to change and you need to decide what you can do about that.

Realistically all you can do is remove yourself from the situation. I don’t think a heavy smoker who’s always smoked in the house will change any time soon. It’s probably cold turkey or nothing and it doesn’t sound like he wants to quit,

My Dad smokes, I try to avoid visiting my parents house cos it reeks of smoke. Being in there for just a few mins results in stinking of fags after.

Let alone the health risks, people will smell cigarette smoke on you and your baby all the time. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Thanks to those who offered genuine constructive advise, thanks especially Absofrigginlootly for all those links. I had come across some other good ones myself so will be printing all of these and bringing them home later.
I will also get him the Alan Carr book or DVD and get him to watch it in the hope that that will also help. Appreciate the advice, its exactly why I asked the question.

I had a chat with him last night and told him that as much as I dont want to, if I have to I will move back to my own house with the baby if he cant stop smoking inside. The more I read on this the more frightened I become and I cant live with the daily worry of the implications of his smoking. Its hard to believe it would even come to that but if I have to I guess I will have to.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit " If he won't stop there are other things you can do, you just won't. It's unfortunate that neither of you will put the baby first.
Not sure where exactly you got that I "just wont" from what I said. I am looking for helpful ways to resolve this issue. Im sure you will suggest I should have walked out the very second I smelled any trace smoke in the house but the realities of finances and the fact that I have made a commitment of marriage to this person make that a lot easier thing to suggest in a forum than to actually do in real life.

That said, I absolutely will and do put this baby first. As I said, he has never smoked around me, I never see him smoking. I just sometimes smell it so I know he has been but that's still not good enough. If it comes to it I will move out but obviously that's a last resort.

I had read that some of the posters can be vicious on Mumsnet so I was expecting to get some sort of horrible and unhelpful reaction like yours. Some people just cant help themselves I guess. It must be a lovely for you to be so perfect

I'm 17 and I smoke but I only smoke outside the house and didn't when I was pregnant and the people I knew that smoked (my dad and friends) did not smoke around me out of respect. I think it shows a clear lack of respect and you should discuss it from that point of view.

People smoke for different reasons and it's interesting you say that he has stopped previously. He may view cigarettes as a friend that never deserts, strange but true!

Why did your husband stop smoking before? What was going on in his life at the time that made him stop? How long did he stop for? How did he stop, was it sudden or did he wean himself off using patches? If we can understand what was going on then, we maybe able to tackle your problem.

My DH also used the Allen carr easy way but attended the seminar event in London, one day thing, a couple of months before our baby was born. Can you suggest the same?

"In saying that despite this issue I am still glad I married him and if this situation never changes and I have to just put up with it, I will be ok to do that because we have a wonderful life and I love him very much. He just has his bad habits like everyone else. "

"And if it turns out there is nothing I can do then so be it... Id still marry him again ten times over."

Direct quote op. That's where I 'got the idea from'.

Sorry got that you 'just won't'.

OP - no one was horrible and vicious to you by pointing out that you are putting your baby’s health at risk. And all of that while singing praises to the husband who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care about your health or the health of the unborn baby.
And - you did say several times - they you are prepared to just accept it all - if he can’t change.

So - no - it’s not about anybody else having any perfect lives. It’s about being responsible and mature adults.

And - it’s great that you are starting to realise that there are real and significant risks to you baby given your H’s total selfishness.
Hopefully - one day you’ll open your eyes to that selfishness itself - because it’s unlikely to be limited to smoking only.
People who put their needs above others, don’t just pick one of those needs. Normally it comes out in many other aspects of life. Or will, eventually.

Good luck with the baby.

I was a 40 a day smoker. Started at 13 gave up at 40. I had given up for four years prior to that but started again when divorced! Giving up is not too difficult providing you have a crutch or two to fall back on and a person supporting without judging. Nicorette, and ordinary chewing gum worked for me, plus I desperately didn't want to die from lung cancer. Vaping might help too but my knowledge of that is v limited. Personally I now hate the smell and can't stand being around smokers.

If you can afford it (time,finance wise) start by cleaning the house/redecorating first. Most soft furnishings will have to go and the walls washed/painted. This needs to be done anyways and hopefully the effort and money spent,plus the obvious smoke smell will make him stop smoking inside.
Both me and OH are smokers,haven't smoked inside for 7 years, now we can smell it even if someone smokes outside and it just wafts through the windows.

Hi, you could get your midwife to do a carbon monoxide levels test on you and your partner. This will show how much his smoking is affecting the baby. You just blow into a tube and it gives you a number. Xx