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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Boyfriend and his ex wife

47 replies

lisakelly1970 · 04/04/2018 14:34

Ive been dating a wonderful caring man for 10 months and he has been totally upfront about his friendship with his ex wife but im now wondering if i can actually cope with the friendship. I totally trust him, when he says they are really good friends and nothing more. A bit of background info...he has been divorced for around 18 years, has a 20 yr old son and a 24 yr old daughter...since separating they have continued the following for the sake of the kids... a one week family holiday together in the summer, at xmas he spends xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day at his ex-wifes house, spends easter day together, his birthday he spends with them and then all their birthdays along with any of the in-laws...and many more events pop up, which requires him to visit his ex. In that 18 years spilt he did have another relationship but was single (ish) for five years prior to meeting me...so i understand that these visits were never a problem and he no one else to celebrate these special occasions with. I know its early days but i am a mother of 3 boys and sometime in the future i would like him to spend some of these special occasions with me.....i have mentioned this to him and he says he cant see things changing, this is what hes always done and will continue for the sake of the children.... I am genuinely happy that he cares so much about his son and daughter but am emotionally confused as to how this will affect our relationship....i have asked if his family know about me and he says yes they do....he says to me im the one and he would even consider marrying me in the future...... do i just hold on and hope things will naturally change and hope he can see how upsetting this could be for me.... my head and heart are at logger heads.....

OP posts:

LineyDancer · 04/04/2018 14:39

What do his adult DC think of this arrangement? Mine would hate it. They don't live at home any more, though. Both at university, making friends, lives, that kind of thing. They're not here for all that birthday stuff, and wouldn't want that set-up even if they were.

Do they not have partners, separate lives?

TheReluctantFundaFeminist · 04/04/2018 14:42

I thought you were going to say that his kids were still children but it's a bit odd that this is still happening now that they're adults. I'd be finding that very claustrophobic whether we were divorced or not.

Our own children are similar ages and I'd very much hope that over the next few years they will have enough going on in their own lives to not feel the need to be home for every single family occasion.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it but in the end, it's his own choice that matters.

Is his ex wife in another relationship?

Sparkle1970 · 04/04/2018 14:45

They are both at University and i know the daughter is in a relationship and planning to move in with her boyfriend after University...the son still lives at home...when not at Uni. Ive mentioned to him about things will change with the kids,,,,ie not wanting to go on hols etc etc but his answer is realistic in that he will deal with this when it happens..

Sparkle1970 · 04/04/2018 14:47

No his ex-wife is single and has been for a while, i did approach this once with him and he said that she tried to date someone, but it didnt work out and since then shes been single

MaisyPops · 04/04/2018 14:49

lisakelly1970

Prestonsflowers · 04/04/2018 14:51

@sparkle1970
I think you may have had a name change failure

user1493413286 · 04/04/2018 14:52

My DH has a school age child from a previous relationship and while I know he has no feelings for her Mum I couldn’t and wouldn’t cope or accept that arrangement. As he’s been doing it so long it may be very difficult to change it though.

Sparkle1970 · 04/04/2018 14:52

changed username as didn't realise thks xx

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 14:53

Are they Chris and Gwyneth?

This set up is so strange, especially given the fact their DC are now adults. If they get along so bloody well it makes you wonder why they didn’t just stay married! They’ve both stayed mostly single and spend a good portion of their lives together still, it’s barely a separation at all!

I’m sure their DC will get to a stage where they don’t need or want to spend Christmas and birthdays with their sort of separated parents (although I’m surprised that hasn’t already happened tbh). Depends if it’s a deal breaker for you or not. Would I be happy if my DP spent his birthday and Christmas with his ex? No, can’t say I would be.

Ryder63 · 04/04/2018 14:59

I've posted about the experience I've had with similar on another OP's thread! he more than likely won't alter his arrangements, he still likes the 'married with kids' vibe too much. It IS claustrophobic, and doesn't bode well for you, having to celebrate important dates without him, while he is still so attached to his adult DCs. I too wonder why the adult DCs are still going along with it. My DCs at those ages wanted to spend more time with friends/partners than with family. Far healthier, in my view.

Sparkle1970 · 04/04/2018 15:00

thats exactly what ive thought.....although they are divorced and live separately, they still act as though they are together when it comes to family gatherings.....just to point out that we dont live together either and i only get to see him once or twice a week....

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 15:02

It’s fair enough spending your DC’s birthdays as a family, when they are young... but they are fully grown adults and it isn’t just their birthdays. The fact they spend each other’s birthdays together still and even the in laws?! It’s so, so weird. I don’t think it bodes well for you at all.

Pinkvoid · 04/04/2018 15:03

Not unless you can get along with his ex wife and you can all spend Christmas together that is .

Ryder63 · 04/04/2018 15:08

Hmmm....do you feel like a spare wheel, OP? Or like the phrase made famous by Princess Diana "there are three people in this marriage". Do you feel more like 'a bit on the side' than a partner - even though your DP and ex are living separately?

Not separately enough, I feel!

WhiteCat1704 · 04/04/2018 15:10

I could never accept an arrangement like that. He is basically still in a relationship with his ex...

Don't bother OP..

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 15:15

This wouldn't bother me. You have your children, so you're free to do the important days with them and he does the same with his kids. The age they are now means it'll all likely change soon anyway.

AdaColeman · 04/04/2018 15:27

He's already told you that he has no intention of changing.

I'd say he was far too emotionally involved with them, especially considering that his children are adults now.

You will always be way down his list of priorities. How will you feel at Christmas and birthdays when he leaves you behind to spend time with them? Not very happy, I'd think.
No wonder his wife's other relationship failed!

Let him go, find someone who values you, and is prepared to be fully committed to you.

Sparkle1970 · 04/04/2018 18:31

yes,,, i do sometimes feel as though im the bit on the side...then i just convince myself im being too needy or jealous and let them feelings go... im very grateful for everyones opinions, as it makes me realise im not on my own with my thoughts... thks xx

userxx · 04/04/2018 18:38

Hmmmm, it's quite odd. I could understand if the kids were young or they had recently separated but 18 years!! Is his ex not with someone else? It all seems a bit unnecessary.

Mii34 · 04/04/2018 20:30

I can see how it has worked for them whilst single but it does make it very awkward for a new relationship to develop. I've had similar issues with my DP maintaining a slightly too close friendship with his ex. A smaller issue than yours but we had to talk a few things through and over time it's been resolved.

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 20:47

no chance.. there is no future with this man

ClaryFray · 04/04/2018 20:53

He still spends Christmas there for his adult DC's. Nope. Chuck him. It's not done.

Gide · 04/04/2018 22:19

The only hope is that the D.C. will get partners and not spend the dat at their mum’s! Faint hope, OP, I’d say run.

Sparkle1970 · 05/04/2018 00:30

Thank you to all that posted....are there any mums out there who does this with their ex...as i would like to hear their views or is my situation quite rare.........thanking you in advance

BlytheByName · 05/04/2018 00:46

Oh lawdy.. I'd not be able to put up with that.
Have you considered that you deserve more?
You're being terribly nice about this. Don't accept crumbs, you are worthy of a whole cake!

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