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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Boyfriend and his ex wife

47 replies

lisakelly1970 · 04/04/2018 14:34

Ive been dating a wonderful caring man for 10 months and he has been totally upfront about his friendship with his ex wife but im now wondering if i can actually cope with the friendship. I totally trust him, when he says they are really good friends and nothing more. A bit of background info...he has been divorced for around 18 years, has a 20 yr old son and a 24 yr old daughter...since separating they have continued the following for the sake of the kids... a one week family holiday together in the summer, at xmas he spends xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day at his ex-wifes house, spends easter day together, his birthday he spends with them and then all their birthdays along with any of the in-laws...and many more events pop up, which requires him to visit his ex. In that 18 years spilt he did have another relationship but was single (ish) for five years prior to meeting me...so i understand that these visits were never a problem and he no one else to celebrate these special occasions with. I know its early days but i am a mother of 3 boys and sometime in the future i would like him to spend some of these special occasions with me.....i have mentioned this to him and he says he cant see things changing, this is what hes always done and will continue for the sake of the children.... I am genuinely happy that he cares so much about his son and daughter but am emotionally confused as to how this will affect our relationship....i have asked if his family know about me and he says yes they do....he says to me im the one and he would even consider marrying me in the future...... do i just hold on and hope things will naturally change and hope he can see how upsetting this could be for me.... my head and heart are at logger heads.....

OP posts:

AnotherMIL · 05/04/2018 06:40

Hi OP,

I don’t think you should force him to chose his children over you. However it doesn’t sound like this is what you’re doing.

What would he say do you think if you asked to have a joint Christmas and family holiday? If he wouldn’t allow this, I think I’d get rid tbh. You’re always going to be the spare part in that relationship.

Ryder63 · 05/04/2018 06:58

AnotherMIL they aren't CHILDREN though - they're grown ass adults! plus the ex wife!

AnotherMIL · 05/04/2018 07:15

Ryder63 I hear you. They are still his children though. If the OP is to become part of the family, he needs to include her and her DC.

Ryder63 · 05/04/2018 08:04

I've often read on here that men are more able to compartmentalise their lives and relationships. Seems that that is what is happening here.

fuckingjournocunts · 05/04/2018 08:24

You moan when the fathers aren't interested in their kids and then you moan when they are. Can't bloody win 😂

Seriously though he has said he won't change and you don't like it so bin him off. It's a no brainer.

And for the record my brothers kids who are now in their 20's still all meet up as a family on everyone's birthdays, Christmas, Easter & any other excuse because we are a very close family. Shock horror we are even going on holiday together again this year 😱

redfairy · 05/04/2018 08:31

If he's telling you he's not going to change you need to hear that and not work on ifs, buts and maybe one days.

RidingWindhorses · 05/04/2018 08:37

This has been his emotional security for 20 years. If he hadn't had it he would have been more likely to get himself into another relationship.

Some men get very set in their ways. If he gave it up and you split his wife might not agree to re-instate it, so he may be afraid to rock the boat.

This isn't just about the children it's about him. It sounds as if neither he nor his ex have been able to completely move on. It may have caused the demise of his previous relationship and perhaps his ex wife's short-lived partner didn't like the degree of enmeshement either.

RidingWindhorses · 05/04/2018 08:40

It's not only about his kids - it's about his emotional security of knowing that he always somewhere to celebrate birthdays, Christmas and a summer holiday planned, he never has to spend them alone.

SandyY2K · 05/04/2018 08:48

I wouldn't be a part of this. He's not ever going to be with you at Christmas...his birthday ... not a chance.

Id only do this if I wanted sex and the company

.. but no emotional attachment and I'd always be looking for a man who would be spending those special days with me while eith him ... then I'd end it when I found a better match.

falleninlove · 05/04/2018 09:45

Hi OP. I am you, except we are older (55/65).

He has been divorced for 15 years, three grown up children. He, his ex, and the children all live (in separate houses) very near to each other. I am divorced but have no children.

I gave this a lot of thought when we first met as he was also VERY clear that nothing would change.

Be aware that speaking from experience when grandchildren come along this will get worse not better.

I asked myself what I was willing to put up with. And I decided that as he is truly the love of my life I want to be with him, even if in exchange it means accepting things on his terms. Maybe it is because I am older and therefore life choices are different.

Good luck.

category12 · 05/04/2018 09:59

It might be tolerable if there's the option to include you and yours into these occasions. But if the proposition is that he goes alone then you might as well be single still. So dump.

Sunnyday1203 · 05/04/2018 12:05

Hi OP

I am very good friends with my ex and in the past have spent Xmas with him and birthdays etc. BUT I am now in a relationship and out of respect for my DP would not do this anymore. To me your boyfriend sounds like he is not committed to your relationship and agree with others that if he is not prepared to change then finish it if it is making you unhappy.

Ryder63 · 05/04/2018 12:58

Sunnyday1203 your post is how it SHOULD be, when there are no small children to take into consideration.

I also agree with RidingWindhorses that some men can be very set in their ways, to the detriment of future relationships.

Hunter321 · 22/12/2020 21:35

I am o exactly the same situation with a man I have been with for 6 years who still spends every xmas with ex wife and his children who are 25 and 27. He will never downs xmas with me even tho' he lives with me and gets very annoyed if I suggest an alternative . My 4 children in their 20's think it is wrong

Hunter321 · 28/12/2020 18:11

Oh God it is awful isn't it. They are just very selfish and want the emotional back up but the wife and family when it suits them. What have you decided to do? I want to leave but am obsessively in love with him. It's ridiculous I know as there are so many good people out there. It makes me lose respect for myself but I also feel I am over sensitive and maybe making a fuss about nothing.

alltheprosecco84 · 28/12/2020 19:05

@Hunter321

I've embarked on a relationship with a man older than me, and found myself in the same situation. Don't think I could carry on next year, not spending any Christmas, birthdays together. I'd feel like a mistress and I know I deserve better

Blendiful · 28/12/2020 19:23

I wouldn’t put up with this. They may aswell still be together. It’s also quite confusing for your own children?

As someone else pointed out with grandchildren in the future this will likely get worse.

I get parents doing certain things together still for the sake of the kids when little, but I do think it’s healthy to put boundaries in place to ensure the kids know things are separate. It’s confusing for the children to not know whether their parents are together or apart IMO.

Also his kids are adults now. He may have done this for so long and if single fair enough. But I think he is going to struggle to find anyone to have a relationship with who would accept this. Why would you want to be married and wave him off for 3 days over Xmas to spend with his ‘other family’ which is effectively what it will be like. Unless you are all going to spend together and get along, then that is different.

Appleofmyeye05 · 29/12/2020 21:42

The children aren’t children anymore, they’re adults.

I think I would view it differently if you were to be invited to some (not all) of these gatherings but the week long holiday wouldnt go down well with me.

I would find it slightly odd for a partner to be so involved and invested in his ex’s life. Yes, he friends for the adult children’s sake but don’t live in each other’s pockets

JorisBonson · 29/12/2020 22:41

This thread is from 2018.

XelaM · 30/12/2020 00:33

I get on well with my ex-husband and ex-inlaws and just spent Christmas with my ex-husband's family. It's not unusual to get on well with your ex, especially if you have kids. There are no romantic feelings between us whatsoever though, but we are friends

EarthSight · 30/12/2020 00:54

@Sparkle1970

No his ex-wife is single and has been for a while, i did approach this once with him and he said that she tried to date someone, but it didnt work out and since then shes been single

I'm confused. You posted as Lisa but now you're replying to questions with a different account?

SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 01:08

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♂️ THREAD

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