Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! My elderly parents won't accept my name change

52 replies

CumulusNimbus · 04/04/2018 12:32

I am late thirties getting married this summer. My parents 'christened' me a name which I won't reveal as it is too identifying, but let's say Katherine. Since I was aged around 8 I have been known by friends as a common abbreviated version of the name, let's say Kate. Literally everyone except my parents call me Kate. Then when I started my professional life in my early 20's in my first job there was another Katherine in the office I worked in, and so to avoid confusion I started calling myself Kate on a professional basis as well, and signing myself Kate, business cards etc etc.

So for the last 20 years I have been Kate professionally and personally and only Katherine to the bank manager. Most people don't even realise my birth name is not Kate.

My parents have consistently refused to call me Kate throughout the last 30 years. I have a little nephew who calls me "Auntie Kate" and when my parents talk about me to him they use "Auntie Kate", but to my face or when talking about me to anyone else they always use Katherine. I have asked that they try to use Kate as I much prefer it but they refuse, saying that they christened me Katherine. I am also not religious and never have been, although they are both churchgoers.

I could put up with this as at the end of the day it doesn't really matter if they insist on calling me a name I don't like - it's their problem. However, as I am marrying this summer and have decided to change my surname and I would also like for formalise my first name as Kate and I want to do this before the wedding. The main reason is that I don't want to stand there and say "I Katherine, take you DH" etc - as it feels completely inauthentic. I want my wedding day to reflect the true me and in my heart I feel I am Kate. My DP knows me as Kate as do all my friends and the rest of my family (which only consists of a sister and nephew). Saying Katherine only brings up feelings of being controlled by my parents and upbringing and feels negative - not what I want on my wedding day.

My parents are elderly, not in great health and stuck in their ways. They are old fashioned and concerned about what people think. I don't want to upset my parents but should I just change my first name by deed poll before the wedding? But does this cause world war 3? What if they hear me say my vows as Kate and get upset on the day? I have asked them to change how they address me but they refuse and do seem very adamant / angry about the whole idea. It makes me feel like a child.

Btw my parents are paying for the wedding (!)

OP posts:
Eatsleepworkrepeat · 04/04/2018 12:35

Could you change it, but not draw attention to the fact you have? I assume they won't jump up during the vows to challenge the registrar on the correct name to call you, and if they ask you can tell them that you wanted your vows to have your name as Kate because that's what your dh and you call yourself. Don't have to make a big deal out of having legally changed it.

mimibunz · 04/04/2018 12:41

I agree with Eatsleep. My mother changed her name in a very low-key way, but my grandmother still called her by her birth name. That's just the way it was. Do it, but don't throw it in their faces. Your name was the first thing they ever gave you, and obviously still means a great deal to them.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/04/2018 12:45

If you consider the angst on the Babynames threads on here, you can kind of understand why they want to call you Katherine. That's the name they chose for you.
I would change your name by deed poll if you wish but it won't change what they call you. Get married as Kate.

I went to the wedding of Mike and Chris and it DID feel strange hearing them use the names Michael and Christine

Original poster
CumulusNimbus · 04/04/2018 12:47

Eatsleepworkrepeat Thanks. Yes this did occur to me, however I assumed that people are not allowed to use abbreviations when saying their wedding vows? I.e. I imagine you have to say your legal name, and therefore at that moment they would hear and realise my name had been changed? (My father used to be a solicitor and would definitely notice!). I was worried that the shock / disappointment of that moment might be worse both for them and also for me and risk spoiling the day...
mimibunz agree with that concept, but I guess it comes down to the wedding vows as I want to use Kate and they will hear.

OP posts:
EglantineP · 04/04/2018 12:49

Agree, you say your parents are elderly and not in great health, so they won't be around forever. Just change your name without telling them, let the vows go ahead with warning, but allow them to call you Katherine, it would be very hard late in life to change the name you call your child and this obviously has an emotional context

bertielab · 04/04/2018 12:49

Don't change it. As you say you don't use it.

What about getting the person marrying you to say I thee Katherine known as Kate take thee................

Twogoround · 04/04/2018 12:50

Lots of people use differnet names.
As long as your parents don't tell people what to call you . It does not matter.
My ex mother in law told me I had to call ex by his birth name .
That is going to far.

wizzywig · 04/04/2018 12:51

All i can think of is 'catherine and i'

Viviennemary · 04/04/2018 12:51

I wouldn't change your name by deedpoll. But I can't think why during the ceremony you can't be called by the name you want and then sign the register with even initial and then surname. No point in upsetting your parents as you say they are elderly and frail and it's unlikely they will change their minds about the whole thing now. And just let your parents carry on calling you by the name they have always called you by. And don't let this quite trivial thing spoil your day.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 04/04/2018 12:51

Ah yes, as a solicitor it might be harder to pull the will over his eyes! A dilemma indeed.

Scotsmum2017 · 04/04/2018 12:54

My DM changed her name when she was in her mid twenties and my GP still called her by her “original name” till the day they died when my DM was 50. I’m guessing your parents will probably do the same. Hope it all works out for you at the wedding Smile

woundbobbin · 04/04/2018 12:54

My DH goes by the shortened version of his name. When we got married we were told there was only one section of the vows where he was legally required to use his full name so he said that once. The rest of the vows we both used his shortened name. I'm not sure anyone noticed!

zzzzz · 04/04/2018 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/04/2018 12:58

I don’t have an answer for the overall dilemma but you can say your vows as your abbreviation. My husband is (for example) Christopher known as Chris and my best friends husband is (for example) Mike known as Michael. In the pre wedding chat with the registrar they both asked to say their vows as Chris and Mike and it was no problem.

My husband is permanently rolling his eyes about his parents insisting on calling him Christopher, they’re literally the only people who do it. It drives him bananas but whenever he asks them to call him Chris they just say “Christopher is your name. That’s what we named you.” And the conversation is shut down. I hope that if my DDs want to go by an abbreviation or even a whole other name, I won’t be a twat about it.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/04/2018 12:59

Michael known as Mike obviously.

ajandjjmum · 04/04/2018 13:00

Harry will have the same problem - no-one knows him as Henry!

RatherBeRiding · 04/04/2018 13:00

It is a little ridiculous on their part to be so insistent on not calling you what you choose to be called. I would change my name legally, not tell them, and if there's a fuss at the wedding then minimise it. "But you KNOW everyone knows me as Kate. I really don't want a fuss about it."

The fact that they choose to pay for your wedding does not give them any right to "buy" your name on your big day. Equally the fact that they are elderly and stuck in their ways does not give them a free pass to behave in what is, frankly, a controlling way.

Yes it's the name they chose for you; it's their preferred name; they don't want to call you anything else. Their choice. You too have choices and have chosen an alternative name.

We all have choices.

WeaselsRising · 04/04/2018 13:02

We picked a beautiful name for DD1. She calls herself an ugly shortening that is actually a totally different name. I hate it and call her by the name we gave her, so I get where your parents are coming from.

Having said that, if she got married using her version we wouldn't be shocked because we know that's how her newer friends know her (school friends all use her real name), so you could be worrying about nothing. Why not just tell them?

DistanceCall · 04/04/2018 13:05

I am named after my grandmother. My family have always called me by a shortened version of this name, which lends itself to rather unpleasant jokes. When I was 15, I decided to go by another shortened version of the name, which surprised my family (I didn't inform them).

Now professionally I go by my full name, then move on to my chosen shortened name when I get to know people a bit better. My family continue to call me by the original shortened name, which I don't mind. And everyone's happy.

Change your name, OP. But don't get cross if your parents continue to call you by the name they chose.

Cliveybaby · 04/04/2018 13:10

I think you can use whatever you want for the vows... our vicar asked us what we wanted as we both shorten ours, eg Tim and Vicky rather than Timothy and Victoria.

diddl · 04/04/2018 13:12

Sounds ridiculously controlling on their part to me.

Can they not accept that you are an adult with your own ideas & opinions?

Why are they paying?

NicolaNineLives · 04/04/2018 13:18

As other posters have said, you could exchange vows as Kate if you wanted to. At our wedding DH used the unofficially Anglicised version of his name, simply because he wanted to.

ExcitementBubble · 04/04/2018 13:23

I think it's you that's making way too big a thing out of this.

I also use a shortened name (and have done since I was about 12) but my parents always use the longer one, that's fine and it would sound weird if they called me the short version (although again they do the 'auntie Kate' you talk about with nieces and nephews).

It almost feels like you are intentionally trying to hurt their feelings by throwing it in their face at the wedding.

If (as said above) you can use your short name for everything in the ceremony but the legal bit, why don't you do that then afterwards legally change your name without them ever having to know (I know it's a pain not going by your legal name, I can never remember which I need to use in an official setting). It feels as if you are trying to assert your independence in a rather hurtful way, you are already your own person you don't need to throw it at them.

EffRam · 04/04/2018 13:23

Just to add as everyone as said above, you can definitely use an abbreviated form of name in the ceremony and it still is legally binding! The vicar asked if I would prefer the long or short version of my name in ours and I went for short.

SadieHH · 04/04/2018 13:28

My DH is known by his middle name, never ever used his first name, not even his parents do. I married FirstName and it didn’t bother me one jot and his middle name isn’t remotely similar to his first name, not even as if it’s a shortening of it. As far as the wedding goes you’re vastly overthinking it in that romantic pre-wedding hazy way. It’s a split second and doesn’t take away from the marriage at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread