Help! My elderly parents won't accept my name change

[CumulusNimbus]

I am late thirties getting married this summer. My parents 'christened' me a name which I won't reveal as it is too identifying, but let's say Katherine. Since I was aged around 8 I have been known by friends as a common abbreviated version of the name, let's say Kate. Literally everyone except my parents call me Kate. Then when I started my professional life in my early 20's in my first job there was another Katherine in the office I worked in, and so to avoid confusion I started calling myself Kate on a professional basis as well, and signing myself Kate, business cards etc etc.

So for the last 20 years I have been Kate professionally and personally and only Katherine to the bank manager. Most people don't even realise my birth name is not Kate.

My parents have consistently refused to call me Kate throughout the last 30 years. I have a little nephew who calls me "Auntie Kate" and when my parents talk about me to him they use "Auntie Kate", but to my face or when talking about me to anyone else they always use Katherine. I have asked that they try to use Kate as I much prefer it but they refuse, saying that they christened me Katherine. I am also not religious and never have been, although they are both churchgoers.

I could put up with this as at the end of the day it doesn't really matter if they insist on calling me a name I don't like - it's their problem. However, as I am marrying this summer and have decided to change my surname and I would also like for formalise my first name as Kate and I want to do this before the wedding. The main reason is that I don't want to stand there and say "I Katherine, take you DH" etc - as it feels completely inauthentic. I want my wedding day to reflect the true me and in my heart I feel I am Kate. My DP knows me as Kate as do all my friends and the rest of my family (which only consists of a sister and nephew). Saying Katherine only brings up feelings of being controlled by my parents and upbringing and feels negative - not what I want on my wedding day.

My parents are elderly, not in great health and stuck in their ways. They are old fashioned and concerned about what people think. I don't want to upset my parents but should I just change my first name by deed poll before the wedding? But does this cause world war 3? What if they hear me say my vows as Kate and get upset on the day? I have asked them to change how they address me but they refuse and do seem very adamant / angry about the whole idea. It makes me feel like a child.

Btw my parents are paying for the wedding (!)

Thanks all. I am keen to find out once and for all if we can legally use Kate for the vows. If so then problem solved. I am getting conflicting answers on that so I will ask the council / registrar directly.
Main issue is vows rather than generally them calling me my birth name. Though irritating, I accept they will never change. (rolls eyes). It is more about avoiding a huge drama on the wedding day whilst also feeling I am marrying my DP as me and not feeling controlled / forced to please parents.

FellOutOfBed2wice that last bit made me lol !! I agree and have thought about naming our future children and preparing ourselves from the outset that they may well choose to change or abbreviate their name - as that is completely reasonable for an adult to do!!

zzzzz no, nothing like that. Just a random name they chose.

diddl my DP and I could not afford a wedding as well as our new home so had decided to wait and save up (years). I think my old fashioned parents were keen to see us married, and the subtext is probably that they wanted to see it happen in their lifetime. They offered to pay and I did a lot of thinking and soul searching as I was initially uncomfortable. However as my sister, DP and friends reminded me, it's their choice and if they want to pay I can accept this. My sister reminded me how awful they have been at times and I should just accept (she has never married). Also DP pointed out it is quite possibly their way of showing they love me.

They're your parents. They have every right to call you by the name they gave you and you should really just accept that without complaint.

It doesn't mean you can't change it if you want to, nor ask others to call you by the name you choose. Just accommodate your parents - it's not a hard thing to do surely? And I doubt they will even notice the "Do you Kate..." moment. If they do, you simply say it's what you asked the vicar to call you....

My father - now dead - and my mother (still alive) will not call me by the first name that is legally mine. I changed it 35 years ago.

I think, to be honest, that I hate them for this.

Around me now I see parents whose adult children have opted to change their gender and those parents support that decision.

This may not be a helpful posting. But I don't think that a wedding should revolve around the obstinacy of parents. It should be the sort of occasion that the couple getting married want it to be.

Won't anyone with half a brain know that Kate is short for Katherine? DH loathes his full name, (so do I tbh) and is only known as his nickname. His mum calls him by his full bame, but mums do that sometimes. He married me using his full name, no one batted an eye. He knew, and I knew, that for Katherine read Kate, so no sweat.

You're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jux It's not Kate or Katherine. I used that as the example. So no, it isn't obvious.

Also Jux you are missing the point. I have said I am not comfortable using the longer name - otherwise there wouldn't be an issue.

What name is your passport in? That is the one the registrars will be using.

I’ve a similar name I.e My passport etc is Jennifer but I’ve not used that for years and always go by Jenny. I’m pretty sure I was allowed to use Jenny at my civil ceremony but could be misremembering. Could you phone the registar office to check?

Name not actually Jennifer

Ok, just can't help thinking that taking money puts you in a "child" role again.

Well, I love the names my kids have-I chose them!

But I think as adults I'd accept their decision rather than cause ill feeling.

I chose the names-but they have to live with them.

Im sure i went to a friend's wedding last year where "Sam" rather than "Samantha" was used during the actual vows but still she had to sign the marriage licence with her full name.

My entire birth family (not large) refuse to use the Christian name I chose 20 years ago (as the original one gave me PTSD flashbacks). They wont use it to my face, in cards, to 3rd parties, to the Police (on one occasion) where I was not at fault I should add!). My Mother says she will not 'leave me anything' unless I change it back. As Harriet says, it is pretty harsh. If either of my dc wanted to change their names in their 20's i'd slip up I am sure but try really hard to remember to call them their chosen name. Irony is, i was illegitimate and my Mother sent me to school under a totally diff surname I had no legal right to.
OP good luck and yes, get married as Kate. It is who you are.

zzzzz no, I'm not religious

diddl I agree - this has been my worry and constant back and forth. I have therapy (to support with historical parental / upbringing) and therapist has encouraged me to take it at face value as a kindness they have made in their old fashioned way.

I have now emailed the council's registrar office to clarify legality of spoken vows once and for all.

I use an abbrieviated version of my very long first name both personally and professionally. Everyone uses it except my parents and my sisters. It doesn't bother me at all. I wouldn't expect them to change what they called me. But then I don't find them controlling, so I can see it would be different if they were.

It's about a tenner online deed poll. Just do it!!
But unless your dps are abusive I do think it's their prerogative to use the name they chose for you at birth.
Unless it was -my school friend called her ds Moses. After his 1st birthday he was answering to his mn!

Call yourself what you want. Whether you need to actually go as far as a deed poll is up to you, but if 'Kate' is how you see yourself, use it absolutely everywhere it suits you, including your wedding vows.

I use a somewhat unusual shortened version of my given name. Along the lines of turning Katherine into Kerin in your example. I've used the name for over 20 years now, but my mother still calls me Kate "because when I Christened you Katherine, Kate was the name I loved!" I hate it. So I'm Kerin to everyone else, professionally and socially. I tolerate my mother not using it, her problem not mine. But in a situation like my wedding, I would absolutely use my name, not her preferred version.

What I continue to find odd is that my mother is quite capable of remembering the name she gave me and my married name, even though it was 'a change', but conveniently 'can't remember' that I changed my given name and have double-barrelled my surname. Kate Hisname - easy! Kerin Myname-Hisname - oooh, too hard!

Anyway, sorry for ranting. I would vote that you call yourself Kate in your wedding vows and just go by whatever name feels like 'you'. With the addendum that you also consider keeping your surname when you marry because the assumption that women should give up their identity when they marry is sexist and outdated. Once I was married I realised that my surname was as much of who I am as 'Kerin', so I took it back. It felt wonderful.

This is a non issue.

I suspect you are fixating on this highly symbolic and almost completely irrelevant thing, because you are trying not to notice that you've allowed your parents to pay for your wedding.

You don't want to confront them head on or be a real grown up and risk confrontation - because you sort of do still want to be the child and receive money from them - so you're trying to think of a way to go behind their backs and give them a quick fuck-you on the wedding day, in a way that you're hoping they somehow won't be allowed to argue with.

It's interesting that you're trying to use legal ways to rebel against them - changing name by deed poll - given that one of them is a solicitor.

All really symbolic behaviour on your part. A way to avoid the real work of separating from your parents calmly and plainly.

I suggest you either behave like a grown up- pay for your own wedding and decide your own name - or behave like a child and assent to them. Or, take a halfway point stance - but then you'll need to contend with the inevitable extra drama it will create.

I changed my name without going the deed poll route. You can call yourself whatever you like so long as you don't do it to defraud etc. I just wrote to tax people, bank, employers etc etc and said from now on my first name is Cowes, please amend your records accordingly. But then my passport didn't match, so I had to buy plane tickets in my old name to match the passport. That was solved when I phoned the main registry office in Scotland (where I was living) and they issued me with a new birth certificate in my new (it was then 20 years old) name. My husband has never known me as anything but Cowes.

If they hear you addressed by a name you don't use during the vows and they get upset about it then.... so what? It'll be a shame for them to be upset, but they've had every chance to get used to the idea and the reality is that as an adult you can call yourself whatever you like. By all means prepare them in advance but when it comes down to it, you're going to have to choose what the priority is. Keeping them happy or using the name you want. This is assuming you're either allowed to use Kate at the wedding or you change it beforehand.

I forgot the most important part. When we got married, I still had a birth certificate in my original first name. I spoke to the registrar beforehand and said I'm known professionally and personally as Cowes, but my birth certificate says 'Rosemary', can I be married as Cowes? And she said yes, of course, but on the marriage certificate it just says 'Cowes, formerly known as Rosemary'. So it can be done. And that was in Wandsworth Registry Office, in South London.

We specifically asked our registrant to use our shortened names for every part of the ceremony where it was ok, and to restrict the full names to the legally required minimum. It worked for us. This was nearly 30 years ago, but your registrant / celebrant will be the one to advise you.

Thank you all, some interesting responses and helpful advice. An update - registrar has said we can use abbreviations apart from one bit where they "like" to use full names - but doesn't sound as if that is set in stone.

Wow PrizeOik - are you suggesting a couple who choose to accept a parental donation towards their wedding are infantilising themselves? I was quite surprised about those reactive remarks given my previous discussion about the dilemma in accepting their offer and even discussing it in therapy.

Whilst I am in no way taking it for granted, and realise I am very fortunate, based on my circle of friends and colleagues (a limited cohort I realise) many couples I know have had some, if not all parental contributions for weddings, so I don't think it is incredibly unusual even in this day and age??

My son is 40 and I have never shortened his first name. Everyone apart from me calls him e.g. Mike, but I call him Michael. Always have, always will.

I had a similar discussion with my DM before my wedding. The nickname I use is very different from my ridiculously long legal name, think Elizabeth-Michelle known as Beth. My DM wanted me to use my full name on invitations as well, until I pointed out that most of my guests would wonder why they had an invitation from someone they'd never heard of! My parents do call me "Beth" or "Elizabeth" most of the time.

Personally, I used "Elizabeth-Michelle Middlename" for the vows but "Beth" for everything else. In a way, I quite liked the formality of it. It illustrated what an "official" day it was.

However, if you're very uncomfortable then go ahead and change your name by deed poll. I would certainly do that if I were going to be called "Elizabeth-Michelle" in situations where it matters to me (e.g. work, doctor)