I'm 33. I consider myself to be attractive, successful, independent woman. Never a shortage of interested men, but I find it really, really difficult to fall in love. I've had quite a few long term relationships, but I never seem to fall in love. I have everything going for me in my life - I just struggle to meet a man to feel that magic park with. So I have tried to settle down with good looking men with good jobs, stable backgrounds, who are very into me etc but I end up walking away. And I'm beginning to despair - will I ever meet anyone? I do want to be married with children one day.
That being said, I am in love at the moment. He's the second man I've felt this way about. Last time was over a decade ago. I guess that's why I am having trouble trying to decide what to do.
I met him on online dating around 6 months ago. He didn't seem overly keen in the beginning, then he did, then he didn't etc. He told me he wasn't looking for anything serious, that he didn't feel for me the way he has done with other women etc. I agreed to keep it casual, it was fun etc as I had just come out of a long-term relationship.
But then I fell for him two months in. Of course, I didn't tell him, and to keep the pressure off, I told him I was dating others which he didn't seem happy about and wanted to stop seeing me. Then we agreed to not see other people. A month later, I found a message on his phone from a woman he'd met in a bar - he wanted to take her out. I calmly and happily told him it was ok, I wasn't angry and that I was looking for something more in life, and that I totally understood we're not on the same page. He started crying and begged for me not to go. But I walked away. Yet we ended up seeing each other again, and in fact, I told him we either had to give serious dating a try or leave each other alone because we clearly couldn't do the no strings thing. He agreed to give things a try and he has been putting in effort - but with my work being stressful, seeing that message on his phone etc, I gave up and he was blowing hot and cold anyway. But at the very least, I knew he wasn't seeing other people.
My contraception failed and I fell pregnant a few weeks later and didn't tell him until after I had an abortion. He was absolutely lovely about it and was very supportive. I thought perhaps there is something here, maybe I do need to try. After all, I have fallen for him. A few days later, my hormones got the better of me, and I erupted and told him it was overwhelming, and that I thought it was best we stopped seeing each other - that while I felt there was potential, it just wasn't working out, I wasn't trying and keeping him at arm's length and he obviously was as well. He didn't want to stop though he did say sometimes he felt something was missing. In fact, he asked whether I had any affection for him and if I actually knew what I wanted. I told him I needed to be looked after, cared for etc and he said he wanted to do that. We were on the phone for hours then he came over in the evening, but we didn't talk anymore because it was late. We have carried on seeing each other.
My hormones erupted another evening, after he said something critical, and he has been on his best behaviour ever since. I had a work trip to go to a couple weeks ago, and he went shopping for my items, helped me packed, cooked for me, spent the entire weekend with me. We messaged constantly, but it is quite dry and not very emotional.
When I came back from my travels, we had a window of a couple of days before he went away with his family. He took hours to respond to my request to meet up, so I went out with my friends. He asked me to head over to his afterwards, but I didn't want to. Since then he's been messaging a lot, asking where I am, who I am with etc.
I know many of you will say he's a player, he's stringing me along, but I really don't think he is. But at the same time, he is not consistent and he can be quite withdrawn and cold.
I think we both might be awkward and shy people who aren't very good at relationships. I usually need a man to pursue me quite aggressively. I don't open up very easily.
He has a history of mental health issues and was seeing a therapist for some time, who advised him to try something new with me, because he's never had a girlfriend before. He has opened up and said he is a very black and white kind of person, all or nothing, and can be quite negative. He also has a lot going on in his life at the moment - he's only just graduated and applying for jobs, which isn't going so well.
It's hard to walk away because how I feel for him is a very rare find for me. If he were to be consistent and actually showed me his feelings, I think I'd be more likely to open up myself.
That being said, I can be quite unhappy with him. And I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.
I just don't know whether the above can be remedied and what I should do.
Would appreciate your outsider views/advice/support. Thanks.