Need advice think my partner is flirting

[ijustdintknowwhattodo]

Name changed for this.....
I have that horrible pit of my stomach sick feeling and I can not think straight. I want to try really hard not to over dramatise this but I know that what i've found needs addressing.

So my partner has a good working relationship with all his work colleagues but just recently this particular colleague's name keeps popping up. It's something i noticed but wasn't concerned about I assumed she was a lot younger than him and it was just a work banter thing.

Anyways, I checked his phone for a password we keep in his notes section for an online ticket account and his texts where open and I noticed her name at the top of the messages. Curious as to why she had text him I checked the messages. They are just general chit chat but with a definitely undertone of flirting. He is definitely a different person when he texts her than when he text me.

Now I've seen the messages I can't stop thinking about them and I feel sick, can't concentrate at work and I'm at a loss on how to bring it up. I absolute don't want to admit to snooping but I see no other way.

Any advice ?

You say partner.
Do you live together?
Mortgage together?
Have DC?
How long have you been together?

@hellsbellsmelons
Not married, lived together for 4 years been together for 6 years. We have a joint mortgage.

No children

You need to be totally honest with him:

• I noticed you started to mention x a lot and it was beginning to make me wonder, something didn’t feel right.

• I looked at your phone for and saw some of your texts. They are flirty and over-invested.

• I feel insecure and troubled by the intimacy that seems to be growing between you.

Don’t feel guilty or bad - you have every right to discuss this.

He hasn't done anything wrong. You feel sick from some chit chat. Was it really flirting or have you just convinced yourself that it was? It's text how can you see an undertone of flirting?

I think it’s important to state that you wouldn’t have looked at the texts between him and anyone else, but his behaviour had already made you hyper aware that there had been a shift in the dynamic in your relationship and it was related to her.

@AtrociousCircumstance have I missed part of the thread. Where does it say there has been a shift in the dynamic of the relationship?

@Fml2015 they had conversations about missing each other ( presumable one of them had been off) . There was other texts but for fear of being outed I'd rather not state but they were very different texts than the ones he would send to his other female friends. I'm not one to overact, I can accept my partner has female friends and jokey conversations but this was different and has knocked me.

Fml just the fact that he had mentionitis about the colleague and the OP had registered it. Even if she initially decided to brush that unease away, it was there - and these texts confirm that there is something to be discussed here.

OP - missing each other...that’s crossing a line, if makes a mutual statement that they have an emotional attachment.

Are you going to speak to him about it?

@AtrociousCircumstance I don't know what to do. Part of me is soo angry at them both and the other part of me is terrified if I confront him we are over. It's such a cliche she is much younger than him.

I also hate that he will think I have been snooping.

I never thought he'd be the type.....

Even if nothing’s happened, he’s potentially on a slippery slope as this is often how affairs start. I don’t think it’s appropriate to be texting a young female work colleague, especially things like ‘I miss you’ if he’s in a ltr. Not saying men can’t have female friends, but you know him and could tell from the tone of his messages that it was more than friendly banter. That combined with the mentionitis is a potential red flag.

The same thing happened to me. I messages from colleague which were flirty and I felt inappropriate considering he was married with children, though nothing sexual and no I love yous/ miss yous. After a bit more detective work in the days that followed I found more - photos of her and a hotel booking. Confronted him and yes they having an affair.

In 10 years I had never snooped on his phone but saw WhatsApp notifications popping up very early in the morning from someone I’d never heard of on 2 consecutive mornings and wanted to know who was it was. I also thought he wasn’t the type. Everyone thinks that about their own partner...

Has there been any other suspicious behaviour - staying out/ working late, etc? In your shoes if I thought it was just flirting and nothing to suggest anything more at this stage I would probably confront and admit you’re upset about these flirtatious messages. Don’t worry about the snooping as it was accidental in your case.

If there is other stuff and reason to believe it has gone further I would hold off on confronting and look for more evidence if possible. If he’s cheating and you confront him he will deny everything; they all do.

I really think being honest will work best here. Use the words of how it makes you feel rather than accusations at this stage x

I think I'd be having word with him about how often he mentions her and ask him things about her like is she in a relationship etc just to get an idea on what their relationship is actually like.

I have colleagues who I message on whats app when we're not at work to catch up and also say they were missed at work that day but they are also the same sex as me. My partner works for the same company as me and its more of a female setting so he gets messages a lot of the time from female members of staff, he's a very private person and doesn't really tell me about messages or anything unless I ask which sometimes causes arguments.

I hope it is innocent and just 2 people chatting about work.

I agree with StarlightSparkle. I think you should be worried.

You're right I need to speak to him. I'll bring it up at the weekend and see what he has to say. I took photos of the texts I read so there no way he can deny what was written.

I hope he will see sense and not throw everything we have away for a younger stress free version of me

@StarlightSparkle I agree, I know I should be worried. I didn't sleep a wink last night. It's just such a bloody cliche. I have never snooped either until I noticed the text.

The thought of wasting all this time with him and having to start again fills me with dread. But if there's no trust in a relationship then it's over.

Also if it is only just a bit of flirting that got out of hand and he is sorry and realised what a prat he has been I then have to deal with them working together still. So regardless of what has or hasn't happened my view on him and our relationship is pretty much ruined.

I know this is sneaky and less than honest but.... could you not just hint by talking about it hypothetically. I know I've talked to my partner about what we both might do in certain situations. Or say a friend has found texts on her partners phone from a work colleague and how awful yr friend feels.... Just an idea.

@fuddle I did think along hose lines but I still wouldn't have an answer.

It's affect my work, I can concentrate thinking about all the what ifs. I'm not sleeping and I can't face food. My stomach is in knots!

I really feel for you, I hope it is innocent and you feel better about it soon. There's nothing worse than making yourself poorly with worry about this. I do it myself, currently going through paranoid thoughts due to something Ive just found out about my partner so you have my 100% sympathy and support. x

There's really no point "having a word" is there? What could you possibly hope to achieve by that?

If he is into her:

• he will lie about it, and you'll want to snoop more and more, and drive yourself nuts.
• he will say he's into her. What are you going to do then? Tell him not to be? Tell him to stop talking to her? If he only stops with her because you ask, is that really a satisfactory outcome? Inevitably he will still like her and probably deepen his feeling for her, the forbidden fruit. He will probably also cast you as controlling.

If he's not into her:
You've still decided he's wrong for talking to her as he does. But yet, he's chosen to and clearly in that case thinks he is reasonable. Do you want to be with someone who you need to talk into behaving in a way that makes you feel secure? Surely that sort of thing shouldn't need to be renegotiated, particularly when you're together for years already?

I never understood what women hope to achieve with these "chats". Women who have to explain to men how to act, are just with the wrong man. End of.

He is showing you what is acceptable and normal to him. You don't feel comfortable with it. Either accept him as he is - or don't and walk away.

You can't talk someone out of having an affair.
Similarly you can't teach an adult human being how to act respectfully / how to fulfil the basic building blocks of how to operate in a relationship.

Women in general would be so much happier if they stopped trying to bargain away reality. And instead just started taking men at their word, when men clearly show themselves and their values/morals

My view would be ... t be viewing it from the perspective of whether he is or isn’t on a slippery slope. You have that conversation; he says he isn’t; you hav e nowhere to go with your feelings.

You need to start from the perspective of how this makes you feel.

How do you feel?

I feel upset. I feel worried. I feel a sense of dread. I feel left out. I feel hurt.

^^ these are only sugggestions. How do you feel?

If you are feeling uncomfortable, please own it, name it, and start from there. Starting from HIS feelings will not make you feel reassured if you are planning a conversation.

Hi sorry for the late response. I haven't spoke to him yet. Partially because once I say it there's no returning from it, and secondly, his dad is poorly at the minute and he has been worse over the last week.

I did check his phone again and the messages have gone. Which makes me think he either knows I know or he feels guilty and wanted rid of them.

I'm just petrified of being on my own again. I know it's a poor excuse but it would mean starting from scratch again and I would struggle financially.

I think I will bide my time for now, keep an eye on things and if there's any further hint then I'll do something about it. In the meantime I'll get my ducks in a row.