Firstly I want to make it clear I am in no way complaining about my DP’s devotion to his children in fact I really admire it hugely but there is no denying that it is killing our relationship. I don’t know how to begin to broach this with him either without looking like a selfish witch. I think the answer is to end it but I would like to talk about it and see if anyone has experience?
Backstory, I knew this when I got involved with him 2.5 years ago. I work all week as does he and we live some miles apart. My children live with me all week and they are much older than his children and fairly self sufficient also enjoyable to spend time with and do more grown up activities (staying out past 7pm). He does not seem to enjoy spending time with my family unit very much, he doesn’t do it often and he is present but not engaged with them. He looks bored. He is never available to come to extended family events like birthdays so I no longer invite him. Well I will ask if he is free sometimes and the answer is always no. My family barely know him so when he does see themselves he’s awkward and uncomfortable and I worry the whole time about it. He does his own thing most nights of the week like catching up with friends, he also goes away sometimes.
He has his children all weekend, every weekend. I’ve had some quiet resentment towards his ex for this and he hasn’t put me straight otherwise but I have come to realise that he is choosing and asking for this time and if it gets mentioned by me asking if we could go out one weekend... he gets misty eyes over everything he’s missing out on seeing them grow up so I shut my mouth and feel bad. In my child free time on weekends etc I make the effort to spend time with him and his children on a very regular basis or I just would never see him. I find this Very Boring Too although I try not to show it. They don’t go to bed very early (as it’s the weekend) and I’ve often fallen asleep within 10 mins of them going off, and they have a ram packed calendar that either involves me trailing after them or left at home by myself. For all his misty eyed sadness he complains a lot they make a mess and he’s always stressed out. I also spend time with his family and friends so I have a level of investment going on all round.
Recently I have thought hang on, why do I have no social life anymore?!! and I saw my friends instead on a weekend. This seemed to coincide with a massive fucking sulk that lasted 2 days and he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.
These posts always end in the sentence ‘he does have other nice qualities’ and of course he does. He’s very generous and can be good company.
There is more to life than socialising but is it selfish of me to not want to spend 7 days a week around children without him sulking about it? This weekend I stayed in one night by myself and although he didn’t sulk he questioned it multiple times and I felt like I had to justify it!
Whenever I think about ending it I keep coming back to the children. It’s not about his children or his parenting choices but it’s really hard to articulate why we just don’t seem compatible when I’ve let it drag on so long.
Any advice?