He told me he cheated

[emilyjayne5]

Okay so my boyfriend has admitted to cheating on me with someone who we both know but the thing is it happened nearly two years ago and the only reason he's told me is because another person who knew about it had threatened to tell me so my boyfriend told me first! Obviously I'm heart broken and at the time when he cheated I was pregnant with our second baby so that make me even more heartbroken!
I'm honestly guttered, that is the only word I can describe how I'm feeling! I want to be mad at him but I still love him and he's apologised so many times.
Please I need some words of wisdom.
Any that can help us through this stupid mistake?

A lot of people on MN advise other women who have done what your OP did to keep quiet about it and not upset the marriage, deal with the guilt themselves and not put it on their other half.

I'm afraid I belong to the kick the fucker out brigade. He's an untrustworthy deceitful shit.

You see I want to kick him out and called him all the names under the sun but I just can't! I don't want my kids to be from a broken home ( like I was) and I do still love him! I'm mad and upset with him but I can't help still loving him! I just don't want to look stupid taking him back! He promises he will never do it again but how do I know I can trust him again?

how do I know I can trust him again?. You don’t and you won’t. That’s why cheating is so fucking awful because it will affect you forever and probably even into other relationships. The best way to give you a chance is for him to be completely open, to accept that you will struggle to trust him when he’s out, if he stays away from home, if it’s someone he worked with for example he should be looking for a new job. He basically needs to want to make it right more than you do. If there is even a hint of him being annoyed or frustrated with you, if he thinks he has any right to privacy or to keeping passwords from you etc then it won’t work.

Personally I couldn’t be doing with it. Once someone had broken my trust there would be no going back. But if you’re determined to try then it has to be HIM that changes and bends over backwards to make it ok.

You don't know.
You will never know if you can trust him again.You have to decide if you can rebuild a relationship based on lies and thinking the worst every time he is working late or goes out for the evening.
Think very carefully OP before you decide.

how do I know I can trust him again?

That's the thing. Trust is something you either have or you don't. Even if you stay in the relationship, it will be years before you find you trust him fully again. You may never, actually. I couldn't live for years always wondering if he was lying to me again. That's no life.

My EX boyfriend cheated on me when I was pregnant and I found out he cheated several times even after that
I found out he cheated on everyone

Get out of a relationship where someone doesn’t love you - if he lives you he’s never be able to cheat.

Keeping him gives him the chance to cheat again.
Chucking him out gives you the chance to keep your self respect.
Above all your dc want a happy dm not 2 dps that live in the same house but have a shit marriage.

He only told you because he'd been caught out and forced into a corner.

It would be wise to actually speak to the person who threatened to tell you just to make sure his story as he has told you is correct.

Was your relationship rocky back then? How has he justified what he did?

Cheating means there is no trust, ever. Cheating on you while you were pregnant - words fail me.

Your home was broken the minute he cheated on you...sorry

You don't know how many other people he's cheated with, because he's not being forced to tell you about them, just this one.

You won't know if he cheats in the future because you weren't aware he had cheated before.

He must be an excellent liar.

He cheated on New Year's Eve, if I'm honest we weren't in a great place when he did it, I was pregnant so all my hormones were every where, so we both weren't happy at the time but we worked through it and since then we've been amazing! And then he's gone ruined it! I want to talk to the women who he did it with but I don't know if that will make matters worse? The thing is I've not cried about it yet! I just feel drained, emotionally and physically! I just don't want to loose him and I know he was the one that cheated but I still think of us as a family!

He didn’t come clean because he respects you and wants honesty between you.

He simply told you because he knew someone else was going to. You didn’t know last week, and if he had his way you never would.

What does that tell you about who he loves most?

Question - you say you don't want to lose him but why would you actually want to keep someone who values you so little that they would cheat on you and then lie to you about it? Why would you want to live the rest of your life constantly wondering if he's telling you the truth about anything?

I always said it was a red line line for me and no coming back from it and I stuck to that when I found out my ex cheated. Reality isn’t quite so straight forward though and I’d feel hypocritical saying you should end things when I’m not considering getting back with my ex.

But a few things, have you definitely got the full truth? Can you check this with someone? You say things weren’t good at the time and you since worked through it, was he making the same if not more effort than you to work on it? What does he give as his reasons and not just being drunk as that’s not true.

I’d definitely ask him to leave, even if it’s only temporary.

After that I’m not sure as I’m only just getting to that point myself and I’m still not sure we can make it work.

My question is can you ever trust him again? If you feel you want to go forward the best thing to do is to go to councelling, talk about it, forgive him and move forward. If you can not do that it is better that your children have two parents who are better/happier on their own than having the live in a house where parents will be bitter, fighting and not trusting. To me that is far worse than kids having parents who love them dearly but separated.

I'm sorry, OP.

I would struggle with that. He only told you because he was afraid that someone else was about to, meaning he was never going to tell you. And you don't know if it's the only time or just one of many ... he clearly only told you what he was afraid was coming out. So the trust is gone. It has to be.

if I'm honest we weren't in a great place when he did it

I found out that my husband had had an affair while I was pregnant, but like you I realised that we hadn't been in a great place when he did it. I loved him, so I forgave him, as long as I didn't have to check up on him or be distrustful from then on. I'm not a particularly jealous person, and didn't see the point in being with someone if I had to be constantly worrying.

Long story short, he did it again, and second time around it was a full-blown affair that went on for several years before I found out. There is no dealing with arseholes who think it's OK to cheat. If you check up on them you're 'punishing' and if you don't they take advantage.

PS - I realised later that the reason we 'weren't in a great place' was because he was having an affair, and being a prick to me.

I think if your serious on remaining as a couple and a family you should go to couples counseling had have a therapist help you try to sick together. I'm sorry this has happened ❤️

To be honest I don't understand why you describe him cheating as a 'stupid mistake'. He chose to cheat and didn't tell you until he was forced to by a third party. I personally couldn't forgive and forget - I would be wondering if it were just the once, would find it hard to trust him when he went out/away etc but maybe you are different.

In your last post you almost seem to be minimizing it and excusing it because 'if I'm honest we weren't in a great place when he did it, I was pregnant so all my hormones were every where, so we both weren't happy' I really hope you are not excusing his behaviour because of your hormones.

I guess only you can decide if you can get past this, OP. Whatever you decide I wish you the very best.

You are making excuses for his stupid mistake saying you were pregnant and all over the place. Truth is he had sex with another woman on New Years Eve while you were carrying his child. Then he only told you because someone else knew and was going to tell. I'm sorry if this is harsh OP but the only stupid mistake would be you staying with him.

Cheating on a pregnant Other half is as low as it gets OP. No matter whether you were in a bad place blah blah. LTB

Be on your guard: why after all this time is this woman forcing this? It doesn't make sense unless this has still been going on.

Quite apart from the emotional aspects of him cheating, have you been screened for STDs? You have no idea what infections he may have brought home and given you. And if he continues to cheat and lie, you will be at risk for the future too.
I think the two of you need a serious discussion with each other about health, boundaries, loyalties and trust. And it would be more effective if mediated by a relationship counsellor.