He told me he cheated

[emilyjayne5]

Okay so my boyfriend has admitted to cheating on me with someone who we both know but the thing is it happened nearly two years ago and the only reason he's told me is because another person who knew about it had threatened to tell me so my boyfriend told me first! Obviously I'm heart broken and at the time when he cheated I was pregnant with our second baby so that make me even more heartbroken!
I'm honestly guttered, that is the only word I can describe how I'm feeling! I want to be mad at him but I still love him and he's apologised so many times.
Please I need some words of wisdom.
Any that can help us through this stupid mistake?

I suggest a break from him to see if you can forgive. If it's two years ago, why the threat to come out now? Maybe it's more recent than he's letting on. Can you dig a bit deeper?

My wife cheated on me whilst pregnant with my child. Two years later I called it a day with our marriage because I never trusted her again and the long term damage to me was immense.

If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Do what’s right for you because that’s what ultimately is best for your children.

How do you know this is the only time he cheated? You don't... the other incidents could be well and truly under wraps.

Is he saying it was a one off incident? If it was once and you want to forgive...take this opportunity to ask him to come clean ...totally clean and no more lies.

If he says it was once ... you could tell him you want him yo take a polygraph. His reaction will be telling. If he's willing...get him to book and pay for it. You can decide the questions.

You know he's only apologising now because he has to. He was backed into a corner.

I'd also want to know why this has come up 2 years later. There must be a reason.

Do you have some way to find out if he has told you everything about this instance? If he hasnt, and hss attempted to minimise it, he is still covering his own arse. I cant see any way back from that.

Personally my hard line is drawn at cheating. But I have no DC with DP so I understand I am in a more fortunate position in terms of walking away.

If you are going to stay, I would certainly still make plans that make it easier to leave if it comes out it wasnt a one off. Or if you realise later down the line, that you cant make it work. Remember that if you agree to try and work through it, that isnt a lifelong obligation. You can change your mind if/when you realise it isnt possible.

Someone coming forward way after it happened is a bit suspicious to me....how has that come about? Hmm.

He is a low low little man! He cheated while you were pregnant. Persumably on a night out leaving you alone new years eve?

Darling if he hasn't already he will do it again.
The ONLY reason you know is because someone else was going to tell you.

My advice. Find someone who actaully respects you in the furture and leave him in your past. He doesn't deserve you!

Do you know why this third party has threatened to tell you after all this time? How do they know? How many people know? It's bad enough that he cheated on you while you were pregnant and has kept it secret but for me being the subject of gossip that various people knew about would be another thing I couldn't get over.

Basically the person who threaten to tell me was the ex boyfriend of the girl who my boyfriend cheated on me with, the hardest thing the ex boyfriend is a family relation my boyfriend! I've asked him if he's done it any other time because in the two year before I knew, he's been on lad weekends and day trip with his friends and at the time I had no reason to think he was cheating but I do believe him that this was the only time!
I just wishing it hadn't happened.
would I be in the wrong if I messaged the women and confront her? She and the people who threatened to tell me don't know I know about the cheating!

I don't think your beef is with the other woman...she wasn't in a relationship with you, he was. It's him that cheated on you, not her.

But she did know they were in a relationship and she was pregnant. Thing is your partner has lied to you for years so don't believe anything he is saying.
I would probably message the guy and girl for answers. I wouldn't be nasty. But just simply for info. You are owed and explanation!
Because I wouldnt just go on what my cheating scum of a ex boyfriend said.

I'm interested to hear, what do you hope to achieve by contacting the other woman? Your anger should be focused on your boyfriend.

I agree with shatners

"I belong to the kick the fucker out brigade. He's an untrustworthy deceitful shit."

What is confronting her going to achieve though? She wasn't expecting a baby with you. She wasn't your partner. She didn't say she loved you and then went and violated your trust. Don't fall into the trap of piling all your anger onto her just so that you can forgive him. You won't get closure that way.

She doesn't need to fire anger into OW she simply wants to ask questions which anyone would. Nobody has told her to scream at her.
He won't tell her the full truth lets face it. She may not. But this women needs answers and to decide for herself what she thinks.
After all that guy was going to tell her anyway. So she may aswell ask!

What's the point in confronting her? I don't see how this will help you.

Your BF cheated while you were pregnant.

He cheated with a relatives GF

This is on him. She had her Ex to deal with. If anything I'd reach to the Ex BF to get more info.

I don't know why your convinced this was his only time....he's had plenty other opportunities and you'd never have known about this time...except he had to confess.

I don't advocate cheating...but he couldn't even do it with someone far out of your social circle. You dont sh*t on your own doorstep.

With the lads trips you'd have no way of knowing.

I get that finding out about historic cheating is difficult...but I wouldn't be so quick to believe him.

The girl knew he was in a relationship and with a child and one on the way! Part of me thing if she knows what she's done to me and my family will get closure!

Oh the girls ex boyfriend, they weren't together when this happened! They got together after my boyfriend cheated on me with her!

There is no way that you can know if he will cheat again or if he's cheated since the cheat-time he's told you about.

If you love him and you want to stay with him then you have to trust that he won't do it again

If he loves you he will move heaven and earth til the end of time to make sure you never ever have to worry

What does it matter whether the girl knew about you? She wasn't cheating on you. He was. She didn't lure him away. He chose to fuck her, whilst knowing you were at home pregnant with his child.

Nice guy.

What if there's more you don't know about that he hasn't come clean to because no one else knows and he knows you'd never find out anyway?
If it was your daughter telling you this, in all seriousness what would you tell her to do? What would your advice be to if it was your daughter going through what you are?

if she knows what she's done to me and my family will get closure!

This may end up making you feel a lot worse. What if she tells you he was pursuing her...he was desperate....he wasn't getting sex at home while you were pregnant ...he wanted excitement or any other hurtful words ... if you decide to do this...don't make it seem like her fault. You can let her know she's contributed to your hurt and get her to think how she'd feel if it happened to her.

He did this to you. You need to place the blame squarely at his feet. You were carrying his baby ... he should've known better.

I'm not usually one to say the OW is innocent...she's not ...but it's him you're in a relationship with. It's him who left you to go out on NYE and he took the decision to cheat on you.

So he didn't betray his relative... small mercies.

Closure comes from within.

Has your BF answered any questions about it?

Has he told you how it happened...the lead up to it?

A partner who is truly remorseful will be open and transparent with you.

You may wish to get send your BF this....

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.