What does a healthy, respectful relationship look like?

[thisonebreath]

DH and I have had another argument. It always revolves around the same thing, apparently I'm not loving enough and there's not enough intimacy. The thing is I don't think this is true. However, my parents argued viciously for 30 years before they finally divorced so I have no frame of reference. All the relationships in my family are dysfunctional.

I know all the red flags, am well versed in what a bad relationship looks like. I know a good one needs to have mutual respect and intimacy but...I don't think I know what that looks like on a day to day basis. Do people all snuggle in the mornings? How much of your evenings do you spend chatting and engaging? How often do people have sex?

We don't cuddle in the mornings which is apparently a problem. We chat briefly in the evenings but then I'm often marking/planning. And then I usually go on my phone. We used to watch a box set together but nothing has recently taken our fancy and tbh I'm 16 weeks pregnant and can't focus for long. We have sex about once a week/maybe ten days.

If we can get over this argument without splitting I'm going to insist on counseling but I'd like to know what I'm aiming for. What does a happy relationship look like on a day to day basis?

Thanks

Sorry, that was really long!

Do you have DC? You seem to interact very little. Do you love him? Or just tolerate him?

Every good relationship is different, but improtant that you enjoy each other's company. You must have some free time, weekends etc, don't you go out together, coffees, walks, concerts etc? We don't cuddle in the mornings, but we spend the majority of our free time together.

Yes we have 2 DC with a 3rd on the way. Yes I love him. We spend all our free time together. We went for a meal this week as it was his birthday and had a lovely evening. We went for lunch yesterday for easter. We try and go out every few months, just us. For example, we went to the theatre end of Feb. We don't interact massively every evening though. Partly because I feel I've nothing really interesting to say once I've talked about my day, partly because I get a bit 'talked out'. Am a secondary teacher and my day is spent heavily interacting.

I have the same question so only placemarking I’m afraid.

Some people are more affectionate than others so you need to find a balance that works for you.
I think keeping connected is very important so it could be sex, cuddles, watching something on tv together but also talking and listening to each other, spending time together and doing things for each other.
It’s more important that you feel loved and respected. It’s hard to do the other things without that base.

If we're not at work - we both work full time - we're together. I don't know if I'm being cold and unreasonable or he's being needy. Or a combination of both. Or all my fault.

Does DH secretly wish you would ask him about his day?

But you are too talked out to really want to engage with him. Not criticising, I totally get that!

It might help to set some concrete boundaries around it so DH feels he is getting his need to talk to you met, while you are also getting your need for quiet time met. Trial a scheduled routine e.g. you ask DH about his day for 15 mins then go for a bath. It will feel artificial at first but the idea is to change the routine up and work towards a better balance.

Also look up Love Languages, you probably have different ones from DH.

I do, pretty much most days. But it feels like there is more stuff I should be doing to make him feel loved but I don't know what that is.

Can you touch each other (non-sexually) without the recipient pulling away? Can you chuckle at each others' clumsiness or malapropisms? Is the reaction to pain or illness concern, or exasperation? Do you try and anticipate a need? That's what keeps it going for us. 30 years next year.

Last but not least, does unexplained lateness or absence make you shake with fear?

Thank you, I'll look that up. Tbh, we had a pretty horrible argument about it so this might all be moot anyway.

Apparently I pull away. I don't think I do but get annoyed when they only touching seems to be because he wants sex. Yes, we laugh at each others silly habits, things we do. When we do interact it's fun. But it seems that's not enough and I don't know what else i should be doing. More cuddles and kissing I think. Other things to show I love him. I dunno, planning more stuff? Doing more things for him?

Yes unexplained lateness makes me worry.

My grandad once told me “quiet of you get a good relationship make sure you both tend to each other like you would a flower, because if you don’t - it will die’ - yep he was a gardener !

Had no idea what he meant until I met DH. Good relationships need working on. Time and effort.

We have two kids, shit and life gets in the way and we fall out sometimes but I love that fucker and he lives me. He would give me his last penny and still makes me laugh.

I’m tired in the morning because of the kids bit I try to give him a cuddle as he needs touch. He rubs my feet at night while watching tv and scrolling mumsnet.

A good healthy relationship is one worth working on - by both parties

What does a healthy, respectful relationship look like?

I'm dubious about posting this. I don't wish to sound like a snug twat, but you did ask.

We have been a couple for 22y, married for 15y, 4 children (from 3-13y). I'm a SAHM, he works full time. I was a secondary teacher when we had the first 2 children.

Do people all snuggle in the mornings?

In bed, yes, usually. Youngest two come in to us when they wake, this is usually before we want/need to get up. We take that time to snuggle as a couple as well as with the children.

Once up, if busy we just crack on and kiss goodbye as he leaves. If not busy, we may well have a hug/cuddle in the kitchen.

How much of your evenings do you spend chatting and engaging?

Dinner time to the children going to bed is busy. But we always have a big hug when he gets home (best part of his day, he says 😊), chat while organising the kids etc.

Tgen in the evening we do watch TV or go on phones, but we sit close and snuggle while doing it. We often sit without chatting. Sometimes we chat. If we were not physically close or emotionally disconnected, it would bother me a lot.

How often do people have sex?

Not very often, which we are both fine with. Nowhere near as often as you. We are very touchy feely in a constant, every day kind of way - this offers a lot of intimacy. And we are very grateful towards each other, voicing this several times a day.

We also get intimacy from things like in-jokes, knowing looks when we know what the other is thinking. Double entendre that go over the children's heads. Prioritising each other.

HTH

There is a good book about how people show and receive affection (can’t remeber the name)

Dh is %100 tactile loves giving me massages and and being tickled where as I’m more kinetic. I gave him a fob to my electric gate, which was me basically saying ‘ I love you, here have access to my home’ he was like ‘er ok cheers-,makes things easier I suppose’

It’s well worth a read. If I hold dh balls in the morning whilst having a cuddle he is made up (bless) yet I’d love him to get out of bed and make me a brew and I’d be over the moon. That book shown me a different way of looking at stuff.

Tactile people needs LOTS of touch so it’s worth tin mins of cuddle time in the morning just to fulfil that in him

Notice you said you talk to people all day and are talked out come evening.
This made me wonder are you an introvert with an extrovert partner.
I.e do you recharge your batteries from having down time alone while maybe he needs people around ie you.

Thank you all that's really helpful. Fate, that sounds lovely and not smug.

I think DH needs more physical attention. I'm not a touchy feely person and was always very independent. My parents hated each other and always argued. There was no physical affection between them and tbh, not much for us either. I stopped relying on them for my emotional needs by about 13.

We've been together 16 years so loads of in-jokes, know what the other will think about stuff etc. But regularly have this argument where I am accused of being non loving. And then I flip my lid. And really did this time. Because I feel like things are fine and what he's ultimately saying is that none of that matters. I translate more intimacy into meaning more sex and then feel like that's the only thing that matters to him.

I absolutely need to have quiet time. It can all feel very bright and loud at times whereas DH always has TV/music on even if just in the background. I sometimes feel like I should be actively being entertaining rather than him just being happy to chill separately but in the same room.

have a look at this

Might be worth googling love languages. It sounds like a load of claptrap but I think there is some truth in it. Maybe you have different styles of communicating your love and need to work out what his language is and what he needs.

It sounds likw neithrr one of you are getting your needs met. He is voicing his concerns in the hope of a change but doing it in a way that is not constructive leading to you becoming defensive about the issue and him not understanding or accepting your perspective as valid and visa versa. Maybe couples counselling might help.

What strikes me is that you say you're always together when not at work . I find my relationship with DP works better when I get a bit of my own space, which might be going for a run, or having a long bath. Also seeing friends sometimes. We also both work full time.

Then I find I'm in a much better place the rest of the time to interact, plus I look forward to spending time together more then. Not always easy to fit in when you have kids though.

My marriage sounded like yours. It seemed ‘normal’ to me. We were ‘happy’. 3 kids. Always had lovely holidays. I was a good wife, did everything, he worked I was sahm.
Turns out he wasn’t happy. And cheated for at least 10 years.

We always greet each other with a hug, snuggle every morning and every night. We have dinner together and chat about our day and then sometimes watch/do something together or catch up on work. We like nice food and drink so we treat ourselves to nights out in nice restaurants/bars when we can and organise weekends away together. Sex 2-3 times a week, sometimes less if we're knackered. I think some time apart helps too, absence makes the heart grow fonder is true although my DH works away more than I'd like!

It sounds like your relationship is salvageable though! Just in a bit of a rut.

Also, try and put the phone away - this is from someone who adores theirs!