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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship ended again....so sad

70 replies

OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 15:45

I’ve been with this guy about 4 months. I’m 37 and he’s 49. He says he loves me but he doesn’t understand how I think and therefore can’t see us getting married. So today, for the second time he has dumped me. This time in a restaurant full of people so that I had to get upset in public.

The last time was about a month ago. He spent 2 days texting me and telling me he was crying about it. Then changed his mind - he wanted us to stay together. Then he kept phoning me telling me he’d had a bad dream about me cheating on him and HC was crying. Again. He cries after I have sex with him.

I know this is never going to work with him chopping and changing like this but I feel he could have ended things in a way that didn’t make me have to cry in public. I’m autistic so I find this very embarrassing.

Why do people behave like this? I feel totally confused.

OP posts:
tygr · 02/04/2018 16:57

He sounds quite disturbed to me and I think you're better off without him. You need much more stability than he seems able to provide.

dontforgettofloss · 02/04/2018 17:00

If he comes to your house, don't open the door- talk out of a window if possible and tell him to leave you the fuck alone, if he doesn't go away, then tell him you're calling the police.

Zeelove · 02/04/2018 17:02

There's nothing wrong with him dumping you. It's the way he's doing it, and messaging you after? Weird. He's on some power trip

NotTheFordType · 02/04/2018 17:21

OP, he's an idiot and you are far better off without him. He is very manipulative and that is dangerous for someone with autism because you may have difficulty recognising that his behaviour is dishonest.

Regarding blocking his mail - just google search for "how to block someone from emailing me [your email provider, e.g. mac.com]"

seventh · 02/04/2018 17:22

This might help

Relationship ended again....so sad
Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:30

Yes I expect people to say what they mean and mean what they say.

Can I just say he has MS. Is it possible that this is affecting his thinking processes? I’m not trying to make excuses for him btw.

It’s hard for me to accept that this could be some sort of game. At least I found out early on. Yes of course it’s normal for people to end relationships and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me but he says he does love me, enjoys my company and the sex is amazing (he said this earlier today Hmm) and he should have told me in private - not in a restaurant.

I’m going to try & get over this as quickly as possible but obviously I’m very confused. I thought he was a normal person.

OP posts:
Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:32

Thank you seventh. I can’t see this cog wheel though?

OP posts:
minimalpatience · 02/04/2018 17:35

Things shouldn't be that hard so early into a relationship. He is behaving quite callously, him having MS isn't an excuse. You deserve better and from someone that doesn't want to play hurtful games.

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:36

He put a fucking Crystal heart into my bag which I promptly threw in the bin.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 02/04/2018 17:38

He's very keen on feeling sorry for himself. It almost sounds like he engineers situations where there'll be emotional repercussions that can feed his need to be distraught or whatever.

He's a drama queen, it's just a pity he seems unable to be dramatic without hurting other people.

If you stayed with him this pattern would repeat. But it would also escalate as you'd become hardened to his usual dramas so he'd need to invent new ones.

dontforgettofloss · 02/04/2018 17:44

He's not a normal person- a normal person, after 4 months in a relationship deciding they wanted to end it, wouldn't end it in a crowded restaurant, and they wouldn't contact you again

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:44

Yes I thought that Peeky. Hence him dumping me in a busy restaurant.

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 02/04/2018 17:45

You wouldn't believe how fast "Other people's emotions hurt me, I'm such an empath" becomes "I want to control your emotions because it makes me soooo sad when you're sad or angry, I can't help my reaction so you need to never express what you feel."

I've been in a relationship with this same sort of man and I wish he'd just dumped me and made me make a scene after a little while, instead of dragging me into living with him first. It was soul-destroying.

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:48

I’m sorry to hear that Womb :(

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 17:48

He's a manipulative wanker and a drama queen to boot, he wants thr satisfaction of seeing you upset, proving you love him, he can do what he wants, and he's in control. You've had a lucky escape, as did his poor wife. And no he's not that into you, if he was he wouldn't keep doing this and toying with you in this manner, he's doing it because he can.

And no of course it's nothing to do with his ms. As said, you've had s lucky escape, keep him blocked and move on. As is often said on here, when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 17:52

Yes when you love someone you don’t choose to humiliate them in public.

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 02/04/2018 17:58

It’s not to do with him doing it in public, that’s plain cruel but there is a greater mission for him
You need to realise that for him, that’s part of the push and pull
It’s like a cat and mouse, why do you think a cat lets the mouse go and run around for a bit before it catches it again?

GrockleBocs · 02/04/2018 18:05

I've got MS. Whether the disease has affected some part of his brain is irrelevant here. You have no obligation to make allowances for that.

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 18:11

Yes I’m sorry I don’t mean to make bad assumptions about MS. My aunty had it and it didn’t affect her brain. But I had heard it could.

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GrockleBocs · 02/04/2018 18:33

No need to apologise. I didn't think you were making bad assumptions. I'm just telling you it's not something you need to include in your decision. :)

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 18:50

Ok, sure. I suppose I can now see that his behaviour has a pattern.

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Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 20:39

He has put money in my bag Hmm

OP posts:
ThorsMistress · 02/04/2018 20:45

He sounds like an attention seeker and hurting you and then begging to come back is giving him the attention he needs.

Your well rid OP

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 20:56

It's been four months. That's like what, you've met up maybe thirty times? I have food in my cupboards I've had longer then the length of time you've known this guy.

Glad you're smart and strong enough to decide its over.

Original poster
OutofSyncGirl · 02/04/2018 21:12

My 14 year old daughter is keeping me distracted with her jokes. She’s quite the comedian!

I feel bad because when relationships don’t work out I often feel it’s my fault because I’m autistic and that somehow my social difference has ruined things. I know this is him but he’s made me feel that my Aspergers makes me less lovable than NT people. It’s not normal to be crying all the time about nothing in particular. I just seem to always attract the wrong people.

OP posts: