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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies someone at work :(

75 replies

Chattycat78 · 02/04/2018 15:36

That’s it really. He hasn’t told me this. I can just tell. He’s only started working with her in the last month or so (she’s new) and he has to my mind been a little distracted since then.

I Have no evidence that anything has happened. Although he was a bit defensive when I asked about her (in general terms) and suspect he told me she was older than she actually is (I looked at her picture online). We have small children, not much free time together etc- you know how it is. We’re both knackered from work and childcare, and i can imagine how other options might look more “glamorous” right now.

There’s nothing I can do is there?Sad. Or is there? Starting to throw accusations around might not be a good plan I’m guessing, but I’m definitely not feeling very secure. Sad

OP posts:
annaanna8145 · 02/04/2018 17:20

BearsDontDigOnDancing

It was never suggested that her behavior led to him having an affair (if there is any on a first place). Advice is on the current situation.

Experience of 20 years together - seen it all, been there....

cheeseandpineapple · 02/04/2018 17:28

OP, irrespective of the possible colleague distraction it sounds like you’re in a relationship rut. Maybe suggest to your husband that you try and spend more time together, that you miss not having more one to one time and you want to make it a priority?

If he’s not responsive to that then ask him if everything is ok with him etc.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 02/04/2018 17:32

By saying she should do that job of a wife "well" - more attention and less nagging actually DOES strongly imply that wife who therefore does not do her "job" well, has only herself to blame if the husband strays.

I have been with my Dh for 15 years. As a wife I do not have a "job" to do, I am one half of a partnership. And sometimes I may moan at him (or nag if you wish) because just once dammit when he says he is going to do something "in a minute" I wish he bloody well would. And he may moan at me, because he does 99% of the cooking and gets fed up of it etc.

But we are a partnership. A good wife is not someone who "Nags less and pays more attention". I am a person not a Stepford wife.

I have faults I know this, DH knows this, he has faults, he knows that, I know that. We accept each other for who we are.

If a person within a marriage is looking elsewhere, than something is wrong with the marriage. No amount of nagging less or paying more attention is going to fix that and indeed will make it worse as it will be a false act to keep up. You need to sit and talk and decide if together you can work it out. Not have half of a partnership trying to fix things all on their own.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 02/04/2018 17:35

I hate to say it, but if you get to the stage of having to warn him (with a laugh?) or say something, then it's a done deal. I cannot imagine having to warn my husband not to have an affair, or him me. If people aren't self-regulating then you are up the creek anyway IMO.

Thisnamechanger · 02/04/2018 17:35

My Dp fancied someone at his work. I fancy two at mine. Was a bit odd at first but we discussed it and it's not an issue any more.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 17:36

Weebo

Sandy who would want to be with someone like that anyway?

Well ... the OW did and so did his wife.

I'm not actually saying to put on a show ... but I am saying it could be effective.

My personal preference would be trying to focus on spending time with each other.

Young kids are exhausting...they zap your energy.... if there is a loss of emotional connection between you....then that's a vulnerability.

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/04/2018 17:40

Some interesting points...thanks all.
I do tend to agree that you can’t effectively “warn someone off”. They are going to do what they want at the end of the day right?Sad

OP posts:
Inthedeepdarkwinter · 02/04/2018 17:41

I also agree fancying someone at work is fairly normal.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/04/2018 17:41

Christ this is a weird thread.

Don't invite her round. That's looney; unless you're going to host everyone at his work. It's such an odd idea.

Is there a way that you can arrange some time with him; if that's what is making you feel insecure?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 02/04/2018 17:51

There's no need to panic, there's no evidence there's anything more than a slight crush and there's no real evidence of that except you thinking it!

If you want to improve your relationship and do more together, I'd do that regardless of the new person at work.

Tinkobell · 02/04/2018 19:06

A sensible approach is definitely a heart to heart chat. Your DH should love you and your occasional vulnerabilities, it's part of marriage.
On the other hand, my devils advocate side would be interested to see his reaction to either the suggestion of more kids (prob not!) or a vasectomy.....!!!

SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 20:02

Every time I see these threads and people suggest inviting the person round ...I kind of wonder "who does that?"

I don't have my work colleagues/friends over to my house... apart from ages ago when our kids were younger.

Cambionome · 02/04/2018 20:12

Make sure you are doing your job as a wife well.

What the actual fuck?!

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 20:42

Let it be but make sure you doing your job as a wife well. More attention and no nagging.

Or maybe men can do their jobs as husbands and limit their relationships with other women to professional/friendly?

Something tells me MrAnnaAnna is not a good egg.

All gonna be good at the end!

Or OP gonna leave his ass.

carbuckety · 02/04/2018 21:23

My suggestion was not to be unkind to her but for the sh to see her in a normal setting.

annaanna8145 · 02/04/2018 22:09

Lacucuracha
OP gonna leave his ass.

Do you really believe there is a way of stopping him? Don't be naive.

You don't even know if he is having an affair or not.

You want her to start a row? What would be a point? What is it going to lead to?

No point in exaggerating smth doesn't exist (unless you have a prove of cause, which i didn't see in the original post).

People here twisting the story.
Being a good wife doesn't mean stupid - It means wise.
Now think what would be a wise approach in this particular situation, without being emotional.

Fireandflames666 · 03/04/2018 08:23

My ex fancied someone at work, then cheated on me with her (i had a feeling). Always trust your gut.

user1474652148 · 03/04/2018 08:36

Ask him outright. Don’t pretend you ar okay. Tell him you have noticed, remind him how important your marriage is, the consequences and then move on to say you would like more fun together, own some dates and find a way back to feeling happy and secure again. This won’t happen without effort from both of you.
Don’t despair every marriage has its peaks and troughs, it doesn’t mean it will end

user1474652148 · 03/04/2018 08:36

Book some dates

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 03/04/2018 08:45

I fancy a guy at work. He's beautiful tho
We get on really really, chat, jokes, work banter, teasing etc, we chat online and he's become one of my best friends.

It's never going to go any further than that, I don't want it to
It doesn't mean he's having an affair

BastardGoDarkly · 03/04/2018 08:54

Fucking hell fire, did someone spike mners tea last night? Hmm

Op, the only time you've heard if her, is when he was openly discussing her, in front of you, this could be absolutely nothing.

He, like you, could just be caught up in the work /kids daily grind.

It is work to maintain a loving relationship between you with young kids, but it only takes a little effort on both your parts.

Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling (not about the new colleague, about you two )

Worst case, you'll find out, until then, try not to get carried away. Good luck Flowers

TheStoic · 03/04/2018 13:14

To be honest, OP - and I don’t know whether this will make you feel better or worse - there is literally NOTHING you can do to stop him if he wants to cheat.

So you’ve got nothing to lose.

If this was me, I’d be completely upfront. I’d say I know he’s had his head turned, and that this right now is a ‘sliding doors’ moment for him. Which man does he want to be?

DairyisClosed · 03/04/2018 13:16

Surely it's just a harmless infatuation. God knows he probably hasn't even let things get anywhere even in his own head.

wiccan41 · 03/04/2018 13:20

My ex cheated on me and I wa always done up looked great and was working full time with 3 children and had rental business as well between us

If he loves you he’s not risk losing you

I’d drop subtitle hints as in
On I just found out my friend from school her husband cheated on her with a colluege awful isn’t it rheybhad 2 children all I know is if you don’t want to risk losing someone you’d not cheat would you Then casually change the subject into shell we go out one evening get a babysitter

See his reaction and you’ve put your feelings out there without saying how you feel directly x

Arapaima · 03/04/2018 13:42

OP, I've been in your position. There was a woman at DH's work - tall, slim, glamorous - and they had to spend a lot of time together working on a certain project. Meanwhile I'd just had DC2 and was feeling tired, frazzled and frumpy. I'm 100% sure he fancied her but nothing happened between them (as far as I know!) and 10 years later we're still together and still happy.

I've also fancied a guy at work in the past but I would never do anything about it.

If your DH is a decent man he won't cheat on you.

I don't think it's your job to 'be a good wife and don't nag him', but I do believe that the best use of your energy right now is to focus on your own relationship and ignore this woman. Can you arrange a regular date night and spend time re connecting with DH? If you can't get a babysitter you can make it a special night in once a week (nice meal, candles, step away from your phones, dress up a bit).

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