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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies someone at work :(

75 replies

Chattycat78 · 02/04/2018 15:36

That’s it really. He hasn’t told me this. I can just tell. He’s only started working with her in the last month or so (she’s new) and he has to my mind been a little distracted since then.

I Have no evidence that anything has happened. Although he was a bit defensive when I asked about her (in general terms) and suspect he told me she was older than she actually is (I looked at her picture online). We have small children, not much free time together etc- you know how it is. We’re both knackered from work and childcare, and i can imagine how other options might look more “glamorous” right now.

There’s nothing I can do is there?Sad. Or is there? Starting to throw accusations around might not be a good plan I’m guessing, but I’m definitely not feeling very secure. Sad

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/04/2018 16:23

latte

And that would achieve what, exactly?

It might actually get him to focus on his wife.

I was supporting an OW once who was having an affair with a MM.

Then he found out his wife was having an emotional affair. You know what he did? He ended it with the OW immediately.

She was devastated thinking it was the perfect opportunity to end his marriage. Instead he blamed himself...saying his lack of being attentive is probably what made his wife look for attention eleswhere.

I think it would be best to try and have quality time eith each other. Find babysitters ... arrange date nights and invest in your marriage.

Having young kids is draining...it's a real test yo your relationship. Remember you're not just parents...but a couple as well.

StarlightSparkle · 02/04/2018 16:27

Your worst nightmare happened to me. New girl started at his work who he found attractive and made it pretty clear she fancied him too (she was single). They started messaging and before long were meeting up for secret drinks, then it escalated to meeting up in hotels. It was only brief in the end as I found out quickly.

I had no idea of her existence until I saw messages on his phone. Was there anything I could have done to prevent it happening? I’m not sure. We were going through a very rocky patch, spending no quality time together (two young children), sex life completely off the boil, both harbouring resentments about the other but not talking about it.

If our relationship had been in a better state maybe he would have been less susceptible or maybe he wouldn’t have. I’ll never know.

My advice, regardless if there is anything to it or not, would be try and make quality time together, date nights, etc, even if it means paying a babysitter. If you never go out together or have fun together it can put a strain on your relationship and you can end up forgetting why you got together in the first place. Also, keep talking to each other and communicate how you really feel.

If he suddenly has to work late a lot and spends an increased amount of time on his phone, I’d be suspicious.

Twodogsandahooch · 02/04/2018 16:27

Has he been unfaithful before Chatty?

Weebo · 02/04/2018 16:31

Sandy who would want to be with someone like that anyway?

Hell would freeze over before I would put on any sort of pantomime to keep my husband from cheating.

Don't ever degrade yourself like that OP.

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/04/2018 16:32

Not that I know of and we’ve been together a long time. i would never have thought it Of him but I could be a naive idiot I suppose. Confused

OP posts:
Tinkie25 · 02/04/2018 16:37

Could you talk to him about how you’re feeling?

Katchit · 02/04/2018 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BitSuss8888 · 02/04/2018 16:41

I'm undoubtedly jaded by finding out about my husband's affair with a work colleague (young and beautiful!) 3 weeks ago.

I was oblivious to her existence until I found out about the affair, but did have a strong inkling that he was up to no good.

If I were you, I'd confront him now in the hopes it's not crossed a line in to an affair yet. I'd say "I'm worried about your feelings for XXXX. I know you, and I can tell you have feelings for her. I know things are a bit humdrum at home right now, but please think about whether you want to stay a part of our little family, or if you want to destroy it with a fling. Because that's what you are risking."

If I had a time machine, that's the conversation I would be having. Although, I realise it might not make a difference.

What I'm saying is: don't be passive in this. You are worried his head has been turned, step in now before it goes any further.

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/04/2018 16:42

Possibly. I need to have a think. It’s just how I’d position it without it becoming a row...

OP posts:
BitSuss8888 · 02/04/2018 16:42

Hilarious katchit Hmm

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 02/04/2018 16:45

I'm with Tink. Can you talk to him, OP?
The other thing is just to focus on doing things which make you feel good. Can you find time to do some exercise you love/dance class/have the haircut you've always wanted/whatever...? Not to please your DH, but to remind yourself of you and to feel stronger and more confident in general?
Horrid feeling. Much sympathy. Hope it all passes uneventfully soon.

Serialweightwatcher · 02/04/2018 16:46

If you want to talk to him properly, don't get angry, get upset (which is probably more like you are feeling) - I don't mean collapse in floods of tears, but show it hurts to feel like you do - explain how much you love him and you're worried - just be honest and see how it pans out - good luck OP Flowers

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 02/04/2018 16:47

Crossed posts, Chatty. It sounds silly, but there's quite a lot written online about how to discuss difficult stuff without blaming/ending up in an argument. Perhaps think it through before addressing it directly?

annaanna8145 · 02/04/2018 16:49

You can't do much about it, so can't he. If he fancies someone it is a feeling and can't be helped. At the end of the day, he is allowed to feel what he feels.

Loot at this in a different light.

There many people we like/dislike in our lives. It does not mean that we gonna change the settings. We might just get some butterflies when we see smone and that is.

If he is a clever guy, he will never risk stability with you and his children.

Let it be but make sure you doing your job as a wife well. More attention and no nagging.

All gonna be good at the end!

ShawshanksRedemption · 02/04/2018 16:51

Firstly I think finding other people attractive is normal. We are human beings, not robots. However as another PP said, it's what happens next that is the key. Is he the type to cheat? To risk all for the sake of a fling or ego boost?

I would if you could, get some time together alone, book a babysitter and reconnect. Get out of that humdrum. You'll feel better for it because as you say you're not feeling very secure and I think taking a more active role will help you.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 16:52

@Joanna57

Your experience of one Man, and please don't dictate to me about being childish.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 16:53

@SandyY2K Flowers

PositivelyPERF · 02/04/2018 16:54

make sure you doing your job as a wife well. More attention and no nagging

This isn’t the 1950’s

loveablether · 02/04/2018 16:57

I feel for you op, I felt like this recently and I think reading too much mumsnet can actually make you paranoid on one hand but also more alert to the signs 'mentionitis' from people who unfortunately have been through it etc... I just confronted my DH that was he aware that he had mentioned this woman's name a lot and how it was making me feel insecure and that I didn't want to be the crazy insecure wife but with good reason as my best friends husband went away with a work colleague - I think communication is the most important thing in a marriage and I'm so glad I told him how I felt. I'm no angel and have had my head turned by other men but that's as far as it went as I love my husband and family - It's a tough subject and every scenario is different

VladmirsPoutine · 02/04/2018 17:01

Tell him she sounds lovely and ask him to invite her round fro a drink/ dinner.

No. Don't do this. Whenever these threads come up on MN someone always suggests this batshit idea of inviting her round almost as if to sniff her out and mark out your territory. This isn't a cheap soap opera FGS.

50andgoingstrong · 02/04/2018 17:01

I would tackle it straight on.

Sit down together, in a chatty way, ask about the new colleague. Smile, say your glad he's getting on well at work. Shame he is now a married man with family responsibilities, isn't it! Haha...

I would tell him you trust him to make sensible choices because even though she may be attractive etc,,, he really wouldn't want to lose you, the kids, and half his monthly salary.
Would he?

If he strops, then you are probably right!

Sometimes a wee reminder can work wonders 🙂

twofingerstoEverything · 02/04/2018 17:02

Let it be but make sure you doing your job as a wife well. More attention and no nagging.
Ignore this shit, OP.

annaanna8145 · 02/04/2018 17:04

PositivelyPERF
This isn’t the 1950’s

What is different??

annaanna8145 · 02/04/2018 17:06

twofingerstoEverything

what is wrong with being as good wife???

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 02/04/2018 17:10

annaanna8145 Mon 02-Apr-18 16:49:25

Let it be but make sure you doing your job as a wife well. More attention and no nagging.

Right, because if he IS having an affair the poor fella was pushed into it by a nagging wife who paid him little attention! That is the most ridiculous bit of "advice" ever. It is not a wife's job to stop her husband having an affair by changing who she is or how she acts. And why is it that a wife "nags" as opposed to having a legitimate complaint about something?

OP, I have been married 10 years, and with my DH for 5 before that. There have been a couple of times I have had a crush, or even an infatuation with another man. Got all giddy around him, probably talked about him a bit too much. Dh probably picked up on it at the time. Bit it is just that. An infatuation that fizzles away after a few weeks. I would never ever act on it, as I love my husband and am happy in my life. It is just a reaction to someone I find physically attractive that quickly fades.