Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

[Greyhorses]

Not sure what I’m actually asking here.

Basically I think I need to leave DH. He hasn’t done anything drastically wrong however is a different person to the one I met. He’s a workaholic, obsessed with emails and meetings. The only interaction we get is him moaning about work. There is no fun, no laughing, no nice family time. He does not help me much with the home aspect of things and I think he looks down at me as I’m part time and don’t earn anywhere near what he does. He has the final say on all financial decisions and I feel I need to ask permission for things even though it shouldn’t be like this. He says I can spend what I want though but then is huffy about it.

I have a time consuming hobby granted (horse), however I spend 45mins per day out of the house if that. The rest of the time I have our child or am running around cleaning up after him. He hates the horse and really resents me going so I feel I have to ask permission to do so. He also hates the dog and constantly blames it for the messy house and states this is the reason he won’t help clean. He is never nasty to the dog itself just me about it. I got the dog when I was living alone so it’s not like I got him against DH wishes or anything. I also had the horse pre DH.

I do love him, or at least I did, however he is not sure if he loves me and has said this.

I’m not sure if I would be happier alone I’m scared, I couldn’t afford anything without him and I also don’t know what would happen. Would I be alone forever being a single mother, who would be there to watching ds so I can ride horse on a night or would I be just as stuck at home as I am at the moment anyway? I’m scared of being by myself and it being worse than being with him.

I’m not sure how to just make that break and if I do would I regret it once I realise the grass maybe isn’t greener?

Yes I do regret. I have no money now and no one to help me with the kids. It's hard. It was much easier with ex.

Hi, I don’t think I could stay with someone who said they didn’t love me.

I’m in a similar position, STBXH & I decided to split a couple of weeks ago although it was essentially my decision. Our relationship has been pretty crap for about 3 years.

I am scared about being on my own & being able to financially support two kids & two dogs but I’ve got to give it a go. I’ve been unhappy for too long now & it can’t keep going on like this.

I put off splitting up due to worry over kids & money but I’ll just have to tighten my belt & be more savvy.

I obviously don’t know your financial situation but it can be done, many have gone before us & I believe that in 5 years time, things will be so much better.

Good luck.

How old is DS? Presumably you could get a job to support yourself and you’d have financial help from DH for DS. Would half the house be sufficient to buy you somewhere?

Thank you all.

I do have a job already however only work 25 hours mainly because we have no childcare. DH does not get home until 7-8pm and leaves at 5am so I have had to put my career on hold a bit due to this. He earns somewhere around 5 times more than I do.

There is no money in the home at all, bought at the wrong time so to sell up would be hard. I don’t think I could afford to run the house alone either despite it only being a tiny 2 bed. I could go to work another day but don’t have childcare and couldn’t afford nursery as he isn’t elibable for any free hours. My son is 2.

I don’t really have much family support so the whole thing is really scary to think about.

I asked him if he loves he and he said he did once but not now

I split up with my husband and have not regretted it in the slightest. Not once. I love having control over my own life and money.

I think you should have a sit-down and work out ways around things. (It sounds stupid, but at one point I was worried about how I would cope with the washing up if we split - it seemed a massive issue at the time .)

You don't say how old your dc is. For the horse, for that 45 minutes, could dc come with you to the horse safely, could you go at a different time while they're at nursery/school/creche, could you share your horse, or change the way you care for it?

For finances, can you up your hours? Have you looked at how much tax credits would top you up? Your bills and grocery bills may reduce significantly without him. Men are quite expensive to keep. He'd also be expected to pay child support.

He'd presumably have contact some evenings and weekends, so you'd have those times to ride and socialise.

Sorry x-posted.

So he looks down on you for earning less when you have to put your career on hold to look after his child and due to his hours?

Why can you not both pay for childcare?

See a solicitor and find out what you'd be entitled to from him (he'll have to make sure you're housed and has to pay a proportion of his earnings. Also go to the cab to see what you'd be entitled to from the state.

If you split he'll have to look after his child which would free you to see your horse and work etc. In the days that you can't see your horse, could you look at loaning him out?

It is very hard, I sympathise OP.

I left my ex & am now a single mum to our DC. It is hard, I'm not going to lie but I can't explain how much better it is without him. I make all the decisions, I don't have to ask anyone for anything (OP the fact you feel you have to do this and his reaction after you spend money rings alarm bells for me), and although my kids are still small but growing up to be very helpful to me around the house which is no bad thing for them or me.

It's hard when you just want to pop out alone and you can't, but you find a way, you know who your friends are and real friends will offer help if they can.

Good luck reaching your decision.

Hi @Greyhorses sorry to hear you're struggling. You've given me great advice on my reactive dog so I'm going to try and reciprocate.

I left my first marriage. Dh wasn't awful but it wasn't a good marriage. I'm so much happier now BUT it wasn't easy.

The animals fit in. So for eg I bought a double pushchair so I could dog walk with kids. Kids were 2&4 so the 4yo was too big really but it actually worked. The dog was fine.

Ex h had contact time which then meant I had more quality horse time. I wasn't in a rush and wasn't 'expected back'. Maybe consider loan/share for some assistance.

Nothing is forever, it gets easier (especially as I went on to remarry).

I have really good memories of dc going off for contact time and be having some time to myself. And my animals. It was actually a real unexpected bonus.

Very rarely do people regret leaving
Most people wish they had left earlier
Unless there is love still and then you have to work at it for it to get to a good place again
But once there is resentment I don’t think there is any going back
I know so many people stuck in unhappy relationships
I guess they’ll all do what my parents did and divorce when the kids are 18
Sad really

Both of your lives have changed since you had a child and perhaps that isn't really acknowledged and its causing issues.

The dog and horse maybe pre marriage but you now have a child so there is additional workload.
Be honest with yourself, does his points have any validity? My friend was in a similar situation, had horses and dogs as well as 3 children.Her ex worked long hours to provide the lifestyle however she did prioritise her horses and dogs and the house was not in an acceptable state but none of us friends felt able to mention it.
Her ex was no angel and handled it all badly, getting aggressive so it spiralled down very quickly.I felt if both had genuinely compromised and recognised the stresses each had the marriage could have been saved.

It's tough being the main provider and most workplaces are demanding so he may not have much choice over the hours worked, certainly if you and him want a good lifestyle.

You two seem ideal candidates for counselling since it seems you are not recognising each others pressure points.

I would definitely not separate until you have explored all avenues.

I asked him if he loves he and he said he did once but not now 

Game over then surely? Time to see a solicitor and find out how you will be able to live on your own. That has to be preferable to staying with someone who doesn't love you?

Thank you all.

He does things like ask me where all my money has gone when I want to buy something when he knows I barely earn enough to pay the bills I have.

We stupidly got into lots of debt when we were younger hence belts are very tight despite the high earnings as we are trying desperately to clear it so we can save up to move to a bigger house. I think this has put lots of pressure on us as not lots of money to go out or go on holiday that sort of thing. Still, I’m not a big spender and barely spend a penny bar the horse which costs less than he normally spends on things for himself per month (smoking for one!)

The childcare would come out of the joint budget I suppose however if we split it would cost me somewhere around £40/day plus petrol to and from work which would mean I earn barely anything.

The horse isn’t too much of an issue, DS loves helping with her and she’s easy to keep. Financially it would be a struggle and I would hate to loose the only outlet that makes me feel sane. I literally only feel happy when I’m on the horse (bar spending time with DS!) and the rest of the time I am utterly miserable trapped in the house with such a moody and miserable man.

I've just split up from stbxh and before leaving I was worried for a long time about finances and about just managing without him. I haven't regretted it or missed him at all, and I actually enjoy making all my own decisions without him trying to control everything.

What you really must do is see a good solicitor. You will then have much more idea of what your financial situation will really be like without him - don't forget that you will almost certainly be entitled to at least a 50:50 split of everything.

Cup, I hope your dog is a bit less reactive. Nice to speak to someone who was in a similar situation.

Perhaps he does have some points re the horse. I do prioritiese that on occasion however nowhere near as much as he prioritises work. For example if I have a competition or a lesson he will arrive home seconds before I am due so I miss it, which causes lots of resentment between us both.

We are both very selfish people I think.

If you split you wouldn’t be paying for your child alone, you’d have child support.

How much of the debt is in your name? Could it be written off? (If you were splitting you wouldn't need a bigger house).

Try the online tax credits calculator to see what top-up you'd get as a sole parent.

He sounds a nob about money. Financially abusive?

Just to give you some prospective. My DH is the main earner (n* my salary). Works the crazy hours you describe (leaves at 7 though). I had to go part time so my income has almost halved. However, the money is ours not his. I don't need permission to buy / do things. He doesn't do much around the house on a daily basis due to working hours but is great with the kids.

Not saying that our life is perfect but earning the money does not make him the boss.

Also, try to be more assertive, don't ask for permission. Rather discuss things or just let him know. Just don't feed his feelings of superiority.

Leaving is such a radical solution. Could you make changes on your end and assess for impact ? Could discuss how you feel with him? If nothing works then start making contengency plan for when the right moment to leave arrives.

Best of luck

The debt is mostly all in his name bar a ridiculous car that costs £400 per month. This is in my name and I am tied in for another 18 months. There’s no way out other than to get it removed/stop paying but this would mean my credit score would be ruined and I would struggle to get a mortgage ever again.

I calculated he would have to pay £51 per week maintenance which seems like nothing. Not enough to survive on.

I have not checked tax credits but I assume I may get some as I earn less than £1000 per month.

X-post, just seems you are on a treadmill with enormous financial pressures and a small child.

He may have changed as often some work culture (can influence our thoughts and if he resents you its a difficult mindset to recover from.
If he doesn't love you or respect you then it is game over.
Being a single mum can be brilliant.I am happier without ex, poorer definitely but if you are young you can rebuilda career.Your son is not going to be small forever and childcare costs do decrease once they start school.

£400 a month on a car!

You can rebuild credit ratings over time - OK it's not ideal, but don't catastrophise, it's not a case of you'd never be able to get a mortgage again.

Where did you get the £51 per week child support figure from? My ex is on minimum wage and pays £40 - your DH sounds like he earns far more than that.

I know Cat it’s embarrasing

In fairness it wasn’t exactly my idea but we got it in my name as DH already had another car at the time.

It literally takes up almost half of my wage and I would never do something so stupid again!

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/

www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator

Tbh I'd be tempted to wait the 18 months to get free of the car, using that time to squirrel away save like mad for myself and dc, have super-reliable contraception/no sex, improve my earning power and leave at that point.