Has anyone ever regretted leaving?

[Greyhorses]

Not sure what I’m actually asking here.

Basically I think I need to leave DH. He hasn’t done anything drastically wrong however is a different person to the one I met. He’s a workaholic, obsessed with emails and meetings. The only interaction we get is him moaning about work. There is no fun, no laughing, no nice family time. He does not help me much with the home aspect of things and I think he looks down at me as I’m part time and don’t earn anywhere near what he does. He has the final say on all financial decisions and I feel I need to ask permission for things even though it shouldn’t be like this. He says I can spend what I want though but then is huffy about it.

I have a time consuming hobby granted (horse), however I spend 45mins per day out of the house if that. The rest of the time I have our child or am running around cleaning up after him. He hates the horse and really resents me going so I feel I have to ask permission to do so. He also hates the dog and constantly blames it for the messy house and states this is the reason he won’t help clean. He is never nasty to the dog itself just me about it. I got the dog when I was living alone so it’s not like I got him against DH wishes or anything. I also had the horse pre DH.

I do love him, or at least I did, however he is not sure if he loves me and has said this.

I’m not sure if I would be happier alone I’m scared, I couldn’t afford anything without him and I also don’t know what would happen. Would I be alone forever being a single mother, who would be there to watching ds so I can ride horse on a night or would I be just as stuck at home as I am at the moment anyway? I’m scared of being by myself and it being worse than being with him.

I’m not sure how to just make that break and if I do would I regret it once I realise the grass maybe isn’t greener?

Where did you get the £51 per week child support figure from? My ex is on minimum wage and pays £40 - your DH sounds like he earns far more than that.

This.

(But that's assuming he doesn't jump first, given he says he doesn't love you). What sort of position would you be in if he left?

My ex told me he didn’t love me and the next day I found out about the OW who I had zero idea was even on the cards, let alone had been for the previous 8 months!

I left with DS (2)

I get days where I wish things had been different and it was tough, really tough but me and DS were so happy as the pair of us and then I met a new DP and am pregnant and we are all so happy and I love the family dynamic now, it’s so different.

You get one life, don’t spend it unhappy

If the CSA calculation is only 51 per week, that suggests your ex is only earning close to minimum wage. Why does he do so many hours?

The child support amount OP came up with can't be right - they'd never get a £400 a month car loan arrangement on those sort of earnings, not to mention mortgage and however much debt he has.

He earns somewhere around £48000 per year roughly but has huge pension contributions.

I must have calculated wrong though

I suspect so Try it again www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

I totally get you, my story is a little different but I understand. I had a pr tty successful career when I met hubby and we went on to have a much wanted child, however, as successful as my career was, he earned 5 x my salary. I took extended maternity leave (with great cover), no issues there, but his massive project was due to complete right at the time I gave birth, obviously the law prevented his employees denying him paternity leave but the non verbal pressure he was subjected to was immense, I knew in my heart he would choose the project but was frustrated that he would not sit down and admit this to me towards the end of my pregnancy, I ended up being induced over a weekend, he was besides himself with happiness as it means he could be done and dusted and back atwork Monday morning, that is exactly what happened, he left me after the birth Sunday night, went to work Monday, I spent 3 days in hospital alone, I had needed major surgery after the natural birth hence the 3 days, he picked me up Wednesday evening with our DD, we came home and he agreed a late start with his boss to help me so he didn’t have to be at work until 9am Thursday, he went to work, midwife came round and was so worried about the chest pains I was having (history of multiple DVT’s) she took me straight to hospital, all was good, hubby came home that evening and said ‘I can’t cope with this and the ptoject’ So moved into a hotel for the duration of the project delivery, 2 weeks, I actually felt relieved because I felt so guilty about him loosing sleep, we are still together, we are happy, he does not begrudge me spending a penny of his hard earned money, what is his is mine in his view but I have literally sacrificed my career as any child care, school pick ups drop offs etc are not on the table, he lives his career and whatever career I want has to fully incorporate all child care, everything, it’s totally non negotiable.

Imso that’s what I’m struggling with, the fact I’ve given up my life for his career in a way. Mines dead in the water, I do all of the housework and childcare and he still begrudges me leaving for an hour to sort the horse when he hasn’t been home for days.

Maybe I am unreasonable. I have nagged and pushed him to try and make him want to be at home but he would rather be at work. He has no interest In what makes me happy or what I enjoy, in a way I wish I had someone who appreciates me as a person and not just as ‘housewife and mother’ if that makes sense?

Greyhorses...it totally makes sense, I really so understand how you feel, I feel I have made massive sacrifices but I feel lucky too because my hubby, whilst unable to compromise at all, does actually understand, our bank accounts are all joint and I can spend what I want, he never questions this, he appreciates me looking after the house, but if I don’t on a particular day/week he never questions this, he dies with happiness if he comes home and I’ve cooked him a special meal, it’s rare so he appreciates it! I do often feel deep resentment, I’ve just completed a bachelor degree (which he totally supported mentally and funded) but the reality of me ever entering that career is totally remote, it’s a career that means working shifts and weekends, he’d happily look after DD at weekends, he loves her to bits but week day shifts that are not child friendly just won’t work, it’s a nanny or an aupair (again he’s happy to pay) so looking into that but I feel immense pressure to make every single thing work out and my starting graduate wage would barely cover the nanny/au pair so I’m having to also work out is the scaficie of everything I will miss of out one and only DD’s life actually worth that......

PS greyhourses, I really really DNTYABU

We sound similar imso. I would be much happier if he appreciated the sacrifices I’ve made I suppose but sadly not.

I was offered to do an additional degree (I’m already a qualified animal behaviouralist) however can’t really manage the study as I have DS until 8pm and don’t think I would be able to fit it in! I’m impressed you managed to do it

Greyhorses! It was hard! I didn’t mention we emigrated to OZ when DD was 2 for his career so that basically ended my career and no parents/in laws close by to help, luckily with the degree lectures/tutes fitted into school hours mainly but was a progressive uni with online lectures when the going got tough!!

PS I would just say on a final note, my hubby tells me every single day that he loves me, I think if I could ever earn his salary level he would happily swap roles! He is a very much a family man and he absolutely adrores his DD, he actaually has a day off tomorrow, took an extended Easter break and is adamamnt he wants to take her to school in the morning (a 30 minute journey and she’s has choir practice starting at 7am!) he takes the times he can to treasure his family and perhaps I’ve been a Little’s harsh on him xxxxx

Could you get a sharer to pay some of the horse's cost / do some of the horse's chores and release time for yourself & money for you to save?

It sounds miserable...if my DH had actually said he didn't love me, it would be game over (we have had our fair share of ups and downs). As far as money goes, as others have said, you'll get help once you're on your own. With the car, would it be possible to downsize? My sister had a car on finance and when she changed jobs she struggled to manage, and she downgraded to a smaller cheaper one. I'm not sure how far she was into the contract though, it may be worth speaking to them to find out. Good luck whatever you decide 💐

Just be mindful OP that if he's a berk about money, if he looks down in you, if he resents you; that will possibly continue after you separate and divorce.

It's a complicated, frustrating process imo. My husband was abusive but I still wonder sometimes if I should have just sucked it up, been a different person (sounds ridiculous, I know, but been more assertive with him??)
I know logically that his behaviour is and never was my fault, still doesn't stop the what ifs, the personal recriminations.

I know I'm projecting here OP, but please do ensure you look after your wellbeing..It's precious and I fear I have lost mine.

Believe in yourself x

You're right, Sosogood. And the more I think about it the more it sounds abusive, or borderline abusive. However when you are with an abusive person, if you start to be more assertive, they will turn up the abuse (silent treatment, sulking, gas lighting etc). A non abusive person will listen, apologise and look for a compromise or solution, simple as that, even if that means ending the relationship.

Can you talk to your DH, OP? How do you think he would react?