Is it me or my ex being unreasonable?

[helpimgoingcrazyhere]

Brief history. My stbxh and I separated last year. Married 2 years which I found tough. Child together age 2. We are still living under the same roof but the house is at least sold and fingers crossed we will be in separate homes come June. He is taking me to court for a child arrangement order wanting shared care equal time. I qualify for legal aid but am waiting for it to go through to be able to take legal advice etc.

Here’s the question: I’m still bf. Child is vegan and I feel extended bf as long as we are both happy is in his best interests. Dad doesn’t give him milk alternatives, thinks he doesn’t need it as he’s too big for milk and for bf.

He is constantly threatening me that I won’t be able to bf once the judge awards equal time. We still live together but if it’s his time with LO he makes it really hard for me to feed him. This morning he literally tried to take him off me then sat next to us then after ranting about various stuff was tempting him away with the offer of cheese and olives to get him to stop. This was after tapping his back saying come on time to finish let’s stop. I didn’t feed him last night or yesterday morning as he just didn’t facilitate it. I was standing my ground this morning as I knew they they had a slow start. I am genuinely bf as I feel it’s the best source of milk we can offer (not a dig at anyone making other choices for their children). Am I unreasonable to do so? I have suggested overnights increase from one to two a week once he’s no longer bf. He has him 3 out of 4 days already but feels the time share is massively unreasonable and that I am bf to control him and have greater time. (I’m not).

By the way I will be working 3 days a week and he will be working 5 days. I’m not sure how we would do equal time in the best interests of the child anyway. He refuses to talk to me about this.

What are your thoughts and is it likely a judge will award equal time and suggest I stop bf.

Do you have medical support for veganism with such a young child?

I don't know about a judge but I do think you are being unreasonable to suggest your XH shouldn't be allowed to have equal shared custody with this DS for whatever reason. Your child is old enough now for bf not to be in his best interests. The fact you want to carry on is fine and your decision but if your XH doesn't agree and doesn't support you in this why should his relationship with his child suffer? Because it will if he goes from spending every night with him in a family home to 1 night a week.

A good relationship with a parent imo is much more important than this strict diet you are imposing on your child.

When your LO is no longer BF, how did you feel about sharing custody 50/50?

Also, does your STBX support your LO being a vegan?

Medical support for veganism? Are you really that ignorant?

YANBU. I don't agree with a TWO year old being too old for it to be in their best interest. Breastfeeding is more than just about nutrition and if the child's home life is going to be drastically changing shortly then why on Earth would it be best for him to take breastfeeding away too?

I missed the part about medical support for veganism. Words fail me.

Yes you are being unreasonable. I gave nothing against feeding untill whatever age. But now you've split up you can't take time away from dad because you choose to continue doing so. He deserves 50/50 and that's the sacrifice we have to make as seperated parents. I'm sure your 2 year old can go a few days without BF each week to see dad. Either that of express.

My dc are vegetarian and the judge would not insist my exh adhered to this.
I fear you are in for a crappy time in court op.

You have to consider your Ex's feelings and decisions for raising your DS too. At the age of 2 the benefits of BF are not great enough to warrant him losing valuable time with his DF, it is far more important for him to maintain a strong connection with his DF and unfortunately you are going to have to let go of this.

As you have to co-parent with him for many years to come it would be in everybody's best interests (especially your DS) if you can both find a way to be flexible and value each other's presence in his life.

He does support him being vegan and he was on a plant based diet himself when I met him. I did seek advice through a health visitor and dietician when we started weaning to make sure I was more aware of providing a balanced diet. My stbxh has had no interest in any advice (all aspect set of diet) or of even offering any milk alternative. I will be working 3 days and him 5 and my preference is to have a slight majority of time with me. Mine would not be a volatile home. Life with his dad is volatile (or it was for me, Nothing is directed at our DS, so just witnesss to all the crap that gets thrown at me). So 3 days with Dad with two overnights, 4 with me. As I’m off two days in the week this is roughly 35/65 arrangement on time (if I calculated correctly).

But it’s interesting that opinion is split over bf being in the best interests. I think it is. If we were still together, I’m pretty sure he would still be supportive.

In terms of advice, this was in the literatures given to me by my HV about nutrition for vegan children:
‘Where Mother’s choose to bf their children into the second year and Beyond this should be supported...’

Can you not just bf when he is with you and let dad do his own thing - maybe express and freeze milk for his dad to use?
I do agree that you should have ds for more time if you are available to look after him and dad would be using childcare to cover his working hours, but if care has been 50/50 so far then the court might support that.

I did seek advice through a health visitor and dietician > That's all I meant by asking about medical support. I know a young woman who blames the pernicious anaemia she now suffers on a poorly thought out vegan phase in her teens, rightly or wrongly.

I support extended breastfeeding, but it's possible they might think you could express? (I never could express).

You’re being unreasonable to think that your ex should give up time with his child so that you can breast feed on those days. You can’t control what he does on his time. There’s nothing stopping you breastfeeding on your days. Whilst it would be good if he could give your child expressed milk on his days, he doesn’t have to and no court will make him.

The bit where you describe him tapping him on the back and saying that’s enough, it wasn’t clear to me who’s contact Day that was. If it was yours then his behaviour was unreasonable. If it was his and it was a handover point, he was still being a bit unreasonable to stop him feeding when he was hungry but I can’t see his point a bit more.

*but I can see his point

I would consider the needs of the child above the feelings of the father. The child is two years old which is still a baby. I don't have any experience of family courts but surely any father/ judge with an ounce of understanding would realise it would be cruel to deny a breastfed toddler access to his mother.

No I think the courts and father would fine it more cruel to deny the child access and quality time with his father. That at this stage is way more important the continuing to BF when the child can survive on a normal balanced diet. If BMilk is still important to mum then expressing is the way forward here. It's really not a good enough reason in the courts eyes to deny access.

OP can you express?

The care hasn’t been 50/50 to now. In fact he barely helped at all during the first 12-18 months. Everything was my responsibility as a mother. I now at least get a regular break now he has regular days and I can go to the gym etc as I can rely on him being there at set times to support this.

Ok it seems consensus here on bf is more that Aibu. I think I need to try and untangle my feelings of being controlled and EA in the relationship from this one to try and be more objective about it. He can be pretty angry and nasty and at times full of rage, so I find it difficult to understand when/if a request of mine might be unreasonable.

Also agree we need to be amicable and co parent but this is difficult when he is easily angered and refuses to talk to me (about anything) Everything is either met with silence/anger or talk through the estate agent (house sale) or solicitor. (Though I do thankfully qualify for legal aid for help with this. I’m just hoping it goes through in time to get advice before we are in court!)

Thanks for responding

If you express bm would your ex give it to him?

I partially bf my eldest until he was over two but by that age he also had food and formula. If you express you'll keep your milk supply up and be able to bf when you have him. At that age, milk isn't their only food so it's not so important to exclusively breast feed?

If care hasn't heen 50/50 then I would definitely be arguing in court against shared care being the default position.

I struggle to express so sadly that’s not really an option. It’s more that whilst I think bf is better, he doesn’t give any milk alternative as he doesn’t believe in a need for milk/calcium at the age of 2 so if he’s there half the time, I thought this was not in our LOs best health interests plus I was worried that it might affect my ability to feed on my days, if he was not feeding fir 3-4 days at a time, but this could be an unfounded worry. I am not trying to deny access. In fact if he gave him a cup of milk on his days with him, I would agree to three days/two nights a week now. But MN consensus seems to be that the judge would not even be bothered by that as that is essentially none of my business and overall equal time would be the preferred outcome.

He does eat well in addition to bf. I also try and increase good fats and give him a balanced diet. So don’t worry that I am just trying to give him milk :).

You both are, really.

I don't buy the idea that shared care is in the child's best interests. Most children stop spending huge amounts of time away from their mother when give the choice. Perhaps the answer to his refusal to be reasonable when it's his time with the child is to reduce his time with the child to a less damaging (to breastfeeding) amount.

You simply cannot make your ex adhere to a vegan diet with your child if he doesn't want to. He's the father and he has the right to feed the child a healthy diet that he finds appropriate.. Him tapping the child on a back and interrupting breastfeeding is incredibly weird and controlling, but complaining that you didn't feed because he didn't facilitate it is pointless - he won't facilitate it ever, he wants it to stop. He's made that very clear.

Further to this, the child is 2. His time with his father should be with his father, not with you. He's not a baby.You aren't a couple and you shouldn't really be spending time together with your son, especially as your ex can't stop being unpleasant to you in front of your child.

Finally, how much of this overnight-seeking behaviour is really to do with maintenance? Maintenance is awarded based on how many overnights the child has with the father. If the child has more than 3 overnights a week with the father, he's deemed to be the resident parent, entitled to claim the child benefit and other child related benefits, and you will be court ordered to pay maintenance, so be very careful giving into demands for overnight stays when he's shown no interest in caring for his child prior to the split.

With the background of him not sharing care before and emotional abuse, tho, it looks quite different. In all honesty you need some proper legal advice.

I disagree with him about the milk, but if he's intending on feeding your son cheese and potentially other sources of calcium, he might get enough intake that way?

I agree with getting proper advice.

OP I think you should be careful of internet advice about contact when you are leaving a difficult relationship. I assume you are entitled to legal aid because you have reported instances of abuse? Sorry if I got that wrong.
Moving to shared care might not be in the best interests of your child. You sound keen to be doing the right thing in terms of facilitating contact. It's good that you can focus on your child - but if he is an angry controlling person I wonder if you have any help working out what is best? 50/50 can work very well but your child is very young, used to you being primary carer and used to the contact/comfort of being breastfed. These things matter in making the transition to shared care as easy as possible for your DS.

Colditz the father is also on a vegan diet and was before we met. He has never wanted to feed him milk or dairy. So the cheese was vegan cheese and milks are non Dairy milks. I give him vegan yoghurts and tofu and make rice pudding etc to top up the calcium in his diet. He doesn’t do any of this. Sorry that’s probably me being unclear.

We are only together through living under the same roof whilst the house sells. We don’t spend time together but invariably are in the same house. I encourage our LB to say goodnight to his dad when it’s my time putting him to bed. He doesn’t do the same but that’s not to say I would stop encouraging him in my time. I think they don’t need to see the conflict. Sadly lots of little things make his DF angry so it’s hard hard to stop him from shouting or being verbally abusive ti me. I just try and accept he’s going to be unreasonable. There’s nothing I can really do to stop him shouting (unless I literally did everything and I mean everything his way without making a mistake) and just focus on life once I’m out of there when the house sale goes through. I also try and stay out of his way as much as possible when we are both home.