Is it me or my ex being unreasonable?

[helpimgoingcrazyhere]

Brief history. My stbxh and I separated last year. Married 2 years which I found tough. Child together age 2. We are still living under the same roof but the house is at least sold and fingers crossed we will be in separate homes come June. He is taking me to court for a child arrangement order wanting shared care equal time. I qualify for legal aid but am waiting for it to go through to be able to take legal advice etc.

Here’s the question: I’m still bf. Child is vegan and I feel extended bf as long as we are both happy is in his best interests. Dad doesn’t give him milk alternatives, thinks he doesn’t need it as he’s too big for milk and for bf.

He is constantly threatening me that I won’t be able to bf once the judge awards equal time. We still live together but if it’s his time with LO he makes it really hard for me to feed him. This morning he literally tried to take him off me then sat next to us then after ranting about various stuff was tempting him away with the offer of cheese and olives to get him to stop. This was after tapping his back saying come on time to finish let’s stop. I didn’t feed him last night or yesterday morning as he just didn’t facilitate it. I was standing my ground this morning as I knew they they had a slow start. I am genuinely bf as I feel it’s the best source of milk we can offer (not a dig at anyone making other choices for their children). Am I unreasonable to do so? I have suggested overnights increase from one to two a week once he’s no longer bf. He has him 3 out of 4 days already but feels the time share is massively unreasonable and that I am bf to control him and have greater time. (I’m not).

By the way I will be working 3 days a week and he will be working 5 days. I’m not sure how we would do equal time in the best interests of the child anyway. He refuses to talk to me about this.

What are your thoughts and is it likely a judge will award equal time and suggest I stop bf.

Right, I see. When you said he was trying to feed the child cheese, I assumed you meant cheese, and thought he was trying to go against the agreed diet plan for the child. Is vegan cheese not a dairy replacement anyway?

He sounds deeply unpleasant and extremely controlling, but the time you have agreed he should have your child, he should HAVE your child, without your interference or involvement. And the time you should have your child, YOU should have your child, wihtout his interference or involvement. you both need to go and stay somewhere else - a friend's sofa, or Mum's spare room - when you aren't the one in charge of the child. Think of it as the child's house.

Thanks. I am entitled to legal aid but am waiting for it to go through before I can access legal advice and have representation at the first hearing. I have had some but it’s conflicting from different sources about bf and the time spent with each parent. A judge could go either way. I guess I was posting here to see if I was being unreasonable.

I might have to self represent in court if my entitlement doesn’t go through in time. But I have found out about legal drop in sessions I can access to help me prepare for court if I need to do this.

I had my CAFCASS call last week and they felt there were no safeguarding concerns. GP has referred us to MAT following appointments for stress and anxiety resulting from his general behaviour at home and I am seeing my health visitor this week to ask for general support in helping me with strategies to help me co-parent successfully in a situation with high levels of anger at home and for advice on best interests of the child, just generally helping with the crap Home situation. I’m not sure what’s else I can do.
I appreciate everyone who has take time to respond.

WRT the anger levels at home, you could try saying that you will not have your child exposed to an angry screaming person, and that WHEN he's not screaming and angry, THEN access will continue as normal but UNTIL then, you are taking your child to your mother's house (or wherever you can go to get away)

BECAUSE to keep a child in a home with abusive behaviour is child abuse in it's own right

Your ex's angry outbursts towards you in front of the child are potentially very damaging to him. Is there any way that you can move out with your child before June and live elsewhere?
If you can, then I'd tell him straight away that you will move out now with your son if his abusive behaviour does not cease immediately. And to let you breast feed in peace until such time as the judge can decide direct whether breast feeding can continue full time or not!
It's likely to take some considerable time to sort out the long term contact arrangements via the courts- it's unlikely they will be making major decisions in the first hearing- so your son may actually not be breast feeding anyway by then.
An added advantage of moving out at this stage is that it shifts the status quo in your favour, as you will most definitely be seen as the primary carer at this stage. As I say, court proceedings can be a lengthy business, and they tend to like to maintain the status quo until they make their final decisions.

For those saying to express, this is extremely difficult at this stage of Bf and it's not just about the milk. OP I really feel for you. I am feeding my 3 year old and he feeds on waking and before bed but much more often if unwell or if he's upset. Since being 2 he hasn't relied on me to feed I'm before bed but those times have been few and far between as I'm s single mum and don't go out often in the evening (a handful of times a year maybe). How often are you feeding? I'm concerned that your ex is interfering with your Bf relationship and would make sure you document when this happens but try to ensure you are in another room when feeding. I'm more concerned though that you are still living under the same roof as an abusive man. Could you move out?

Hey go easy on me. It's taken me a few years to realise that this is abusive and it is not me crazily thinking he is just raising his voice to a level which I am unreasonably finding unacceptable (as he tells me I am mad/crazy/he is not shouting etc), I am leaving him having read many a thread on MN which resonated with my home circumstances where people were like why do you put up with it to the other OPs.

Sadly we both pay the mortgage and so neither can afford anywhere else to live. I did move out for a few weeks in January to my parents. It was tiring living out of suitcases for an extended period of time with a toddler and it was tough having my dad question my decision to leave the relationship so much when I just needed some emotional support. He didn't seem to believe the anger levels / things were so bad / his behaviour was so unreasonable. I moved back thinking maybe it can be more amicable. The outbursts are less frequent (they were almost daily after we separated before I moved out in January) but still there.

I still question my sanity and how much is my interpretation. I also question whether I could try and get an occupation order. Thank you to those who have offered kind words about extended bf.

I think when I was out of the home, he was saying I had kidnapped his son and was acting illegally and hand over was just awful. He was still having him 3 days/2 nights then when we were in a different home so I don't feel that moving out will be any advantage to me unfortunately,.

Godowneasy I suspect you are right actually that by the time this is sorted the bf will no longer be an issue.

It's mad though that if the outbursts are deemed damaging to our LB (which I agree with this and a big reason why I am on this path to divorce) then why courts still deem it to be in the Childs best interests to be equal time with both parents even when there is DV. Whilst I may soon be out of the equation and so hopefully he will be more calm when we are in separate houses, I always felt he was quite needy in terms of needing a relationship and so I think he will be in another relationship before long, shouting at some other poor woman if she doesn't behave exactly how he wants her to and my LB will be witness to this.