Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

When all your friends still want to get drunk at 43

47 replies

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 08:48

Hello,

I am never too sure where to post things but hoping you can shed some light without me sounding like an old lady here!

I still class myself as a young 40 year old as I look like I am in my thirties, so I am told, thats not me looking in the mirror going oooooh you look 30 today!! lol

I have old school friends for over 10 years now, but they are getting more drunk than I have ever known since reaching their 40's. One of them has a really heavy drinker partner which makes her worse I feel and the other is single so they just go out together continuously and just party every weekend and they are absolutely hung over after say 20 or so drinks, if that!

I am finding them hard to relate to now and whenever we meet we have nothing in common to talk about as I am hugely into my career and also very much involved with my partner and family which I think is nice. Their lives are not like that its always around drink. Which is fine if that is what makes you happy but not for me.

I have now got to the stage where when it was my birthday it was only meant to be 3 of us going out, but when they start to bring along 20 of their friends and its a big drink fest I end up pulling out and not going out! Nobody I really know is there, so I have said no this isn't for me anymore these drunken nights are not floating my boat. I am more 1:1 and not into this drinking. Since then I never see them which may not be a bad thing as I do feel I am changing and getting new friends too.

Has anyone else had this with friends, and possibly outgrown them too?

It is making me upset, angry and also feel like who are they? I am missing normal conversations too and missing the connections we use to have but maybe its me who has changed more not them?

thank you for reading

OP posts:

Mintychoc1 · 02/04/2018 08:59

I'm 50 and more-or-less stopped drinking when I had kids 13 years ago. It felt wrong to be drunk when I had little kids to look after, and having a hangover while trying to deal with toddlers would be unbearable.

I would say most of my longstanding good friends are similar. However, I live in a very sociable village, and have lots of not-close friends locally who I can have a laugh with at school events etc. But when it comes to nights out, we're totally different. They all go out regularly and get really drunk, still tell anecdotes about throwing up , having to stay in bed all day hungover etc. I can't think of anything worse! So although I happily chat to everyone at school and at daytime events, no one ever expects me to go to the evening piss-ups. They probably think I'm boring but I don't care!

backsackcraic · 02/04/2018 09:01

You could always say you'd prefer to go for a meal where you can sit and chat and catch up and offer to book a table somewhere and ask who would like to go.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 09:09

Thanks guys, Mintychoc, Im so with you too, I have tried that but its just not happening I think my closest friend just thinks I am too boring now and unless I get drunk as he partner wants me too, there is no point in going out she thinks. Maybe its a case of me thinking if you don't like me for me, we are never going out!! I may just have to see if this is the case now maybe?

I do like how I am, but I wish they would just not have to revolve everything around drink....and its normally about 10+ and still not drunk I am on the floor after 2 lol!

OP posts:

Dozer · 02/04/2018 09:13

What has you looking youthful got to do with anything?

One or more of your friends may have a drink problem: certainly sounds like one friend’s partner does.

All you can do is suggest meeting up in the daytime or for evening meals, and look for new friends.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 09:18

Dozer sorry that was just a random comment what I should have said is they are looking more older as they are heavy drinkers/smokers and its always mentioned when we go out! It was just an observation more so from their part.....!

OP posts:

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 02/04/2018 09:22

Leave them to it OP.

Suggest an early dinner, and if they want to carry on just leave them to it.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 09:23

I think I will do, it may be the best going forwards....:-(

OP posts:

MissMary0fSweden · 02/04/2018 09:25

Just drop out of the nights out, they still have each other to enjoy doing the things they like together.

It's natural to move apart from friendships as we grow older anyway. In this case it doesn't make anyone 'boring' but nor does it make any side superior either (and I say that as a tee totaller)

SpringNowPlease2018 · 02/04/2018 09:26

I had this with not-close friends a few years ago

I said to them, politely, could we do an activity or something, and they said "nah, we just want to sit and drink". So I left them to it.

My close friends are heavy drinkers but they just drink IYSWIM - they don't get hammered and behave oddly and make that the focus of the night. I can't be doing with that.

CloudCaptain · 02/04/2018 09:29

Sounds like you need to widen your social circle. Friendships drift apart. Do they do anything with you other than go put to get drunk?
They sound utterly boring.

Fairylea · 02/04/2018 09:34

You need some new friends.

I think we all live so many lives within our own lifetimes, the friends we had at one point won’t suit us at another.

I am 38 this year and recently joined a gym - something which I never, ever thought I would ever do if you had asked me 10 years ago (when I was at my heavy drinking, partying stage!) I am meeting lots of new friends who are interested in similar things to me and none of them want to go out heavy drinking thank goodness! (I am teetotal and have been for the last 8 years).

It’s sad but it seems like you have outgrown your friends.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 09:47

Cloudcaptain and Fairylea, yes you are both right, I do. No they don't do anything with me apart from drinking, I now suggest going out for coffee and they are just not doing that anymore or wanting to apart from one but she has her own set of friends, lovely hubby and is more homely at times too. This one I have been best friends with for years is just never wanting to be in, or doing anything apart from drink, but then I am sure its her partner since he has moved in with her!! We are all a bit wary of him!

OP posts:

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 02/04/2018 09:51

The alcohol is a bit of a red herring really, isn't it? What it boils down to is that you don't enjoy spending time with them or doing the same things any more. Which happens - people change, periods of life change, friendships either evolve or end.

Either try the early dinner then leaving them to it thing or phase them out; it sounds like you've tried finding things you can all enjoy and also telling them directly you aren't interested in a bender, so that's all you can do.

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/04/2018 09:53

I’m nearly 43 and enjoy clubbing and I admit I enjoy getting tipsy and on nye I got so drunk I had a horrendous hangover, I don’t drink much not even weekly. I see loads of people in their 30s and 40s clubbing!

NC4Now · 02/04/2018 09:53

My friends are a bit like this. I set myself boundaries, so I’ll go out with them but leave early. I’m just not into a massive piss up every week and I don’t like being drunk around my kids.

Whocansay · 02/04/2018 10:00

I seem to have the opposite problem. I'm 41 and still want to go out drinking (and dancing when the opportunity arises!). My friends have largely grown out of this, so I'm wondering what the Hell is wrong with me!

However, it's easy for me to fit in with what they want to do. I love them to bits and enjoy spending time with them no matter what we do. I think, as you suggest, you've simply outgrown them.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:00

I think the worse of it is, that she has a lovely 12 year old daughter and on her weekend benders with her friends, she takes her 12 year old with her to the pubs with her friends which I feel is unfair but would never say to her, its now standard for her daughter to come with her to the pubs more so when they have a day out in London. I just feel maybe I wouldnt do that I would either spend time with my daughter and friends with children too or book another time with friends? just seems a shame for the daughter as well.

OP posts:

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 02/04/2018 10:01

I left two drinks in the other night. It was great. Got the best of my friends - sober and chatty - skipped off home to do the kids tea and in PJs by 8. Got loads done the next day.

You don’t necessarily need new friends, just make the most of the best of them early on.

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:02

Whocansay bless you at least you go along with them and it sounds like you are a lovely friend who can balance both, whereas my friend cant, unless drink is involved all the time she is somewhat bored. I did a lot of my drinking in my twenties and early thirties, so did they so I was thinking ok aren't they outgrown this, but its definitely her friends who are the influences as they are all single, no intentions of settling at 40+ and just want to drink. so she joins in!! hey ho, onwards and upwards, at least I don't have those hangovers anymore lol!

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 02/04/2018 10:06

I don't recognise what you are describing. I have friends from many different areas: old friends, school playground, PNG, ds's football team mums - and we got out and chat and chat, eat and drink, walk home. No hangover.

specialsubject · 02/04/2018 10:08

I would have been bored with that at 23. Dump your saddo drug addicts and find a new group.

Just because the drug is legal doesn't make them any less sad.

missbonita · 02/04/2018 10:08

Alcoholism is most prevalent in 40plus age bracket - young people are drinking less and less. Get some new friends?

Original poster

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:09

Hi Oblomov, yes but you are drinking by the sounds of things in moderation or just having a few drinks and can have a good friendship. I have friends who are just like this too but my best friends......, I am talking about my friends always drinking about x10 or more if not around x20 when we go out or when they want to go out, so I am walking away like you, lol but they aren't....something I cant stop!! ;-)

OP posts:

Caroline680 · 02/04/2018 10:09

Christ OP. You sound a bit dull.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 02/04/2018 10:14

Oblomov - so what? you don't recognise it because you're not having the experience.

sorry if I missed a point there - apparently I missed an April Fool on here so quite possible

OP I do think age and parenting isn't relevant - the friends I have who drink heavily mostly are parents. but they aren't making booze the focus of the night. I don't have kids and I certainly can't make conversation about anyone's kids but the issue here is probably not just booze - you might have drifted apart in other ways.

Flip

1 2