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Original poster

When all your friends still want to get drunk at 43

47 replies

percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 08:48

Hello,

I am never too sure where to post things but hoping you can shed some light without me sounding like an old lady here!

I still class myself as a young 40 year old as I look like I am in my thirties, so I am told, thats not me looking in the mirror going oooooh you look 30 today!! lol

I have old school friends for over 10 years now, but they are getting more drunk than I have ever known since reaching their 40's. One of them has a really heavy drinker partner which makes her worse I feel and the other is single so they just go out together continuously and just party every weekend and they are absolutely hung over after say 20 or so drinks, if that!

I am finding them hard to relate to now and whenever we meet we have nothing in common to talk about as I am hugely into my career and also very much involved with my partner and family which I think is nice. Their lives are not like that its always around drink. Which is fine if that is what makes you happy but not for me.

I have now got to the stage where when it was my birthday it was only meant to be 3 of us going out, but when they start to bring along 20 of their friends and its a big drink fest I end up pulling out and not going out! Nobody I really know is there, so I have said no this isn't for me anymore these drunken nights are not floating my boat. I am more 1:1 and not into this drinking. Since then I never see them which may not be a bad thing as I do feel I am changing and getting new friends too.

Has anyone else had this with friends, and possibly outgrown them too?

It is making me upset, angry and also feel like who are they? I am missing normal conversations too and missing the connections we use to have but maybe its me who has changed more not them?

thank you for reading

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:18

Thanks Caroline lol. Well would love to think yes you are right, but I disagree, I ski four times a year, have a great job, I travel a lot with my work and partner.... and have a lovely family near me, which close friends are part of..... apart from these ones. I just find these types of people boring as thats all they do and my partner agrees too......

...I am just disappointed they don't want to do other things!!! sorry if that sounds dull to you. do you drink like them too? maybe you do, but hey I wont judge you if you do its just my feelings have changed as I have become older and more settled in my life. Not everyone enjoys going away skiing or going away on adventure holidays or just doing other things...I thought when you out did these things in your thirties and twenties you wanted a different life, but maybe not in some people's lives.....

When we go away on holiday, as in last year we were in the States, we met a lovely couple who were in their thirties, she was a heavy drinker, well she admitted she could drink a lot. Her husband not so, he said I just let her go out and have fun but she is pretty much dead the next 2 days lol, now she is realising the impact this is having on our children and her health at work the next day too. So she said to us, now she just drinks socially with her friends say one or two a week, I wish this was the case with my so called friend!!

Can't have it all I guess!!

Sorry if you think I am dull....but hey your opinion...

OP posts:
Original poster
percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:20

Springnowplease, yes I think you are spot on with that more so too!!

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 02/04/2018 10:25

OP if it makes you feel better, I did actually try and take said friends to a gallery and then a couple of other things - music night of some kind - and then they said "we just want to drink". So they humoured me but that was it!

my closest friends who drink heavily now are drinking a lot more than your friends - did you say 10+? That would be light for some of mine Shock but we can still have a whole day together and really enjoy talking and laughing.

Oblomov18 · 02/04/2018 10:29

Spring? Yes that's right. I'm telling OP that I myself and everyone I know doesn't have the friendships she has. Doesn't only drink like her friends do.

And?

That's what happens on threads. OP says this is what it's like for me: and posters respond : no, well actually mine is totally different - my school/my Doctors surgery receptionist, my experience of HV's/ any other subject you care to mention ......
is not the same.

Isn't that the point of threads? A discussion to compare and contrast?

To help her get perspective? And maybe realise these friends are not what she needs anymore.

Original poster
percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:31

SNP....oh really thats just exactly what they say, lol....even in light context they say the same "lets head to the pub!" I was like yeah thats ok, like you and that was it they were there til 3 am. I am not too sure how many drinks in total but when I am there its about x10, but then I am not there til 3am so they may have drunk the whole bar down!! I wish I could consume more than x2 or even x4, its nice you can still have a good day together, unfortunately unless we are stuck in that pub or bar we aren't going anywhere else.....

At least you have this with your friends....I feel I will now move myself over to the other friends I have who are completely the opposite in every way!

Its sad but its just life I guess, I have to move on and like many of you have said we outgrow friends in our lives, I am finding this hard to do which is true as I am so loyal! Thank you for all your comments....it has helped me see things differently.

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 02/04/2018 10:31

sorry Oblomov, it just came across a bit short.

OliviaStabler · 02/04/2018 10:31

Sounds to me like you have all grown apart. You are not happy as they don't fit into activities that you think are acceptable and vice versa.

Also I don't think you can hide the type of contempt you seem to feel for them. I suspect they have picked up on your feelings and that is why they have changed towards you.

Original poster
percypig2017 · 02/04/2018 10:34

Yes I think you are right Olivia I think they have....maybe not a bad thing!!

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 02/04/2018 10:35

They sound if they have issues with alcohol. People drink a lot in the UK so this is normalised.

You are at different stages. You do not have to go out on the lash any more.

Anatidae · 02/04/2018 10:39

I’ve really noticed that as people I know have hit their late 30s and early 40s they seem to really diverge in lifestyle habits.
It’s either really hammering it to excess or just drifting away from that and onto ‘one with a BBQ’ or none at all because toddlers/young kids/can’t really deal with hangovers any more.

We are definitely the latter and a lot of our social circle is as well. What we all have in common is small kids and no big family structure around us that we can have to look after the kids to go out /be hungover. We go out maybe once a year. Because we don’t have anyone to look after our kids. And probably because we can’t be arsed spending precious free time hungover.

The ones who are still living it up tend to have never moved away from large family support structures and can call on relatives to take the kids while they go out.

If you feel you’ve drifted apart then distance yourself a bit or only do daytime stuff. Friendships can change as life circumstances do. If people want to go out clubbing then that’s fine, but if you don’t want to it’s a big disconnect.

Caroline680 · 02/04/2018 10:41

What would you do together instead? Why not suggest it? I love a night out with my friends. Someone doesn’t drink because driving no biggie.
Maybe do some craft Confused

wishingiwaslucky47 · 02/04/2018 10:43

I have friends like that but my friends are very important to me and I’ve know them for more than 20 years. They drink more than me, I have no inclination to go out and get drunk, never have done. My parents were alcoholics and I vowed I would never drink a lot and I never have. I just go at my own pace and stop when I want to stop and change to soft drinks.

OliviaStabler · 02/04/2018 10:52

@percypig2017 There is nothing wrong with walking away if the friendships no longer work. You seem really happy in your life and you have grown apart from them. It is always sad and maybe things might even change in the future, but for now just enjoy your life.

grafittiartist · 02/04/2018 10:54

we all have different ideas of how to spend a good evening. Live and let live. It would work best if you all arranged different types of meet ups to suit everyone. One month do a pub lunch, next month a walk, drinks out the next- keep everyone happy.

Oblomov18 · 02/04/2018 11:22

Spring?
Short?
I'm assuming you are a new poster. I'm not. I've seen 1000's of different kinds of threads on MN over the last decade. And I don't need picking up on my posting style, because every posters style is slightly different. But thanks all the same! Hmm

Caroline680 · 02/04/2018 11:34

Lol. Oblomov has been here since the start iirc

mm2one · 02/04/2018 11:48

Hello. My wife is 44 and it seems she started drinking a lot more than she had ever done since i have known her after she turned 40. It's the new friends she has. They are all women in the neighborhood with kids that go to the same school as ours. They are " hard drinking Mama's."

I guess it's a phase she and they are going through. Pre menopause or something approaching mid life crisis.

Actually if anyone has any subtle advice for me on how to convince her tone down the drink ing, I would be happy to hear it. I am starting to worry it's taking its toll on her. The face and slight weight gain.

mm2one · 02/04/2018 11:51

Fwiw, i forgot to add. It seems all my own friends stopped drinking heavily .. so we are sort of in the same boat.

I can relate to you feeling like you out grew your hard drinking friends. I feel that way a bit with my wife sometimes. But I think it's a phase that will end hopefully.

Chaosandchocolate · 02/04/2018 11:58

I have a similar experience. Slightly different circumstances. Recently single and trying to spend more time with old friends again. I haven't drunk much since having children (nearly 10 years).

My closest friends don't live nearby but when we do meet up we rarely drink.

My wider friends, particularly those free to meet up on a weekend, seem to drink a lot. I don't really enjoy it. I had a horrendous hangover last weekend that hadn't gone away by evening. It really wasn't worth it. I don't find being drunk fun anymore.

fiorentina · 02/04/2018 12:22

I love to go out drinking and dancing still, but also with friends who are less into that I go out for dinner, a walk, coffee etc. They sound a bit selfish if they won’t do that too.

Oblomov18 · 02/04/2018 13:16

Can't you vary yourself according to friend? I too can go out to theme parks, galleries. Meet for lunch or s coffee.
Not drink of an evening, if with 4 or 5 of my friends who are tee-total. Can have dinner and drinks with Dh and another couple. Can go out with school mums. Or go to a tribute band drink lots and dance the night away. I don't care if someone doesn't drink or drinks like a fish.
I can do both! Grin
If I like them as a friend, and enjoy their company, their variance or spectrum of drinking capacity is irrelevant.

Whocansay · 02/04/2018 13:22

What happens when you suggest other things? Do they just pooh pooh it? If alcohol has to feature for them, you could still do afternoon tea / lunch / a walk with a pub / shopping, etc?

I would have been upset by the way they crashed your birthday and changed it to something it wasn't supposed to be. Did you call them out on it at all?

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