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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife blames me for her infidelity

37 replies

Cromie · 02/04/2018 08:20

In December 2015 my wife admitted to “having a drunken kiss” on a works outing and when I asked the obvious questions that this prompts I was told that it was nothing more than that.

Call me foolish but I reconciled myself at that time with the thought that if there had been more to it then he may have had her body but so long as her heart remained mine.

Since then we “pottered on” with life with a lack of intimacy which I put down (reluctantly) to the demands of the kids, of whom we have two with special needs and working arrangements.

Fast forward to March 2018, and I discover that it was more than what I was lead to believe previously and something which I believe started when I started to receive treatment for PTSD and was taken to an intimate level sometime after December 2014 which included them spending weekend together in York while I looked after the kids in the belief that she was on a cycling trip.

When I found out it all made sense to me, the atmosphere between us and increasingly ‘passionate’ response from her whenever I disagreed with anything or didn’t play ball. This culminated in me being assaulted which has brought everything to a head.

I told her I knew last week as I broke down in tears.

To which her response was that “all I wanted was to feel normal” and when I asked why she did not tell me she replied by saying “I didn’t want to hurt you“.

Some 4 days on from then and I feel like I’m the one being punished as she refuses to answer any questions I need to have answered by saying “I went through enough heartbreak 2 years ago and I am not going through it again”.
She refuses to acknowledge me in any of this let alone how I feel now saying that she doesn’t want to answer any questions as she does not want me to put the answers in a back pack to be used against her later.

I don’t really want to know the gory details of what my beautiful wife has done with another man but I deserve answers so that I can move on (with or without her) but despite telling this to her she responds with defiance.

I am truly at a loss as to how to handle each morning let alone anything beyond that as each day I wake as if I have been told of the death of a loved one and it is tearing me apart.

I know I’m not perfect but this does not give her the right to make me accountable for her infidelity - she made that decision herself. Yet she persists with punishing me.

What has happened has happened but what is important for me now is to try and understand whether the person I fell in love with actually exists or whether that person has turned into a deceitful, emotionless, uncaring individual. Both characters present themselves on the rare occasions we speak but I’m exhausted and emotionally drained and craving clarity and openness right now, but seems that when I say this to her she seems to use it as a tool against me.

Any advice would be appreciated - I’m so confused.

Thanks

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 02/04/2018 08:26

you seem very depressed by the whole situation and struggle to handle it.
it is a very difficult situation.
for depression you may visit your gp.
if you both want to save your relationship you better go to a relate counsellor, it cant continue like this.

Choosegopse · 02/04/2018 08:29

I think you should go to counselling for yourself. You can’t make your wife talk to you but counselling should help you work out how to deal with the situation and move on.

category12 · 02/04/2018 08:31

Once there's violence, the relationship has crossed a line. You should leave her.

hesterton · 02/04/2018 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cromie · 02/04/2018 08:37

To answer that question, I first need to know who I would be staying married to - the person I fell in love with or a detached, uncaring , selfish person.
If it is the latter I wouldn’t want to know her let alone stay married to her.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 02/04/2018 08:40

she is both and assaulted you.

Babyplaymat · 02/04/2018 08:43

How did the PTSD manifest itself? It sounds like there was a lot going on.

She sounds like she should be doing a lot more to reassure you.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2018 08:48

If you were a woman posting this about her husband, you would pretty much unanimously be told to leave the bastard .

UpOver · 02/04/2018 08:49

Sorry for jumbled thoughts...

How old are you and how old are your kids (roughly?)
She sounds like she has checked out. Do you think this is salvageable? It does t sound like it from what you have said. If she has assaulted you then it's time to leave.

Have you tried writing to her instead of talking to her. If you do try to keep it shortish and not too emotive (hard I know!). I understand that you want to know about the affair but you can't make her tell you. I'd concentrate on what she wants to do about it and what she wants to happen in future. See if you can get some plan out of her. Even if it's one to divorce.

Personally, I think I would want to divorce her. She doesn't sound sorry for the affair and she doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all. Also I wouldn't stay because of the assault.

Might she be trying to wind you up so much that you start to behave in an 'unreasonable' way so that she can blame you for the split.

Do you both work and do you share finances? You might want to make sure you have everything in order before you say you want to split?

I'm sorry you are going through this

GreenItWas · 02/04/2018 08:55

Meant kindly OP but it's over and has been for a very long time. You need to do whatever it takes to realise that and make all the necessary arrangements you need to make to have the life you deserve. A life where you are not wondering what the fuck is happening all the time which is destabilising in it's own right but in your case you must try and get to that place as fast and as fairly as you can for your own mental health. Good luck.

DrMorbius · 02/04/2018 09:01

Cromie you seem fairly passive in all this. You may want to read some of the hundreds of threads on here about infidelity.

What is the current status? Most people on here who had just learned of their partners cheating would say the marriage is over. Then the cheating partner often has to jump through hoops to get a second chance. On here that often means full disclosure. Most people can't move on without knowing what went on.
Reading your post I am not sure, where you are at. It certainly doesn't sound like your DW is pulling up trees to keep the marriage going.
What do you want to happen?

offside · 02/04/2018 09:03

I agree with Soup.

Advice to most people on here when they have found out about an affair is that the only way forward is full disclosure from the partner who has had an affair, and for them to answer any and all questions when asked no matter how difficult, otherwise there is no way forward.

I think you deserve more. It is not your fault that your wife had an affair. She has control of herself and chooses to do what she wants to do.

You deserve to be happy and not be burdened with what your wife has done because she doesn’t care enough to try and make things work.

Seek legal advice around businesses, property etc and start divorce proceedings. She sounds like she thinks so highly of herself that she doesn’t think you’d be able to do it.

m0vinf0rward · 02/04/2018 09:07

Kick her lying, trifflin ass to the curb immediately. If she hasn't done it again I bet she will if given the opportunity to do so. The very fact she can't be honest means that there is probably more to it than she's told you, like instead of a quick grope and a kiss it was actually sex or worse an affair. For your own sanity get out and concentrate on yourself and your kids. She deserves neither your time nor your compassion, so don't give in to any emotional blackmail.

Mogleflop · 02/04/2018 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 02/04/2018 09:14

I'm not sure any answers she could give you would help.

And if you're honest with yourself, you can probably guess why she did it - because it was a distraction from a difficult time for you both, and ultimately she chose to put her own feelings and needs first.

Whether she's self-aware or decent enough to acknowledge this, I think you know as well.

She doesn't want to talk about it, because she knows she's done something terrible. This may be because she doesn't want to admit being at fault, but it could also be because she knows it will be even more devastating for you to hear.

I would venture it's probably a bit of both.

I think it will be very difficult for your relationship to recover from this, and would caution you that if you decided to stay together, your relationship would not be fulfilling for either of you, and resentment would eventually show somewhere, which would be very visible to your children.

UpOver · 02/04/2018 09:28

Great post Mogleflop

Original poster
Cromie · 02/04/2018 09:34

Thankyou you all for the comments so far.

My PTSD was following a motorcycle accident in which I sustained quite significant injuries.

She has never, throughout the years I have known her, been the type of person to ‘make the first move and apologise in any situation.
Typically, I have broken the ice and she has then followed through with an apology.
Why should this be any different when such an approach is so entrained in an individual?
Perhaps I do see life through rise tinted glasses the difficult reality is that I now find myself potentially having to change my character if only to get through this phase of my life and throwing two kids with special needs (8 and 12) into the mix makes for quite an overwhelming experience.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 02/04/2018 09:38

OP there can only be one way forward after this sort of behaviour. Do you really value yourself so lowly that you will accept this? You deserve better. You’re not perfect but this is just horrid and evil. Surely you deserve the opportunity to meet somebody who will truly treasure you. Go to counselling. Get yourself help with your self esteem. You should leave her. She’s not giving you answers and there has to be more to life than this

Whocansay · 02/04/2018 09:52

The thing is, she isn't sorry. She's sorry she got caught.

I couldn't come back from the assault. I think the relationship is now beyond repair. She is a cheat, and maybe you could have worked round that, but now she thinks it's OK to assault you. That is never OK. You need to leave her.

whiteyroses · 02/04/2018 10:14

You're married to a deceitful manipulative scumbag and always have been. Some women are perfect wives until hard times come and a better offer is available and they show their true colours. You don't need any information from her to understand this, don't let her waste more of your life - you need to move on.

GunnyHighway · 02/04/2018 10:29

Walk away, in time you'll be happier

StarlightSparkle · 02/04/2018 10:35

Her lack of remorse speaks volumes. She should be begging for forgiveness, not blaming you and refusing to talk about it. She’s not sorry. How do you know she’s not still seeing other people? She’s got away with it once with no consequences.

She should at least be willing to go to mc and if she isn’t then I don’t see how you can salvage things. She has to stop burying her head in the sand and face up to what she’s done.

PNGirl · 02/04/2018 10:57

I would never advise staying in a relationship where one has been physically assaulted by the other partner. Forget the affair and her lack of remorse, that is enough on its own.

Prettylovely · 02/04/2018 11:03

Whats there to love or even like about her? You need to leave and work on yourself, The fact you are even putting up with this nonsense shows that you have really low self esteem.
Oh and get an sti check. Shes disgusting.

Cleavergreene · 02/04/2018 11:04

To answer that question, I first need to know who I would be staying married to - the person I fell in love with or a detached, uncaring , selfish person.
If it is the latter I wouldn’t want to know her let alone stay married to her.

I'm assuming you didn’t marry a husband beater ergo she isn’t the chick you married. The evidence to answer your question is already there.