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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in a controlling relationship??

29 replies

Becky2215 · 01/04/2018 22:15

Hi there ,
Need a little advice before I go completely crazy, basically been with my partner for 8years . Our relationship is ok most of the time , we’re happy ect . He works hard , I’m currently at home mum looking after our 3children . He does what he likes when he likes. No questions asked !!such Like lads holidays , nights away , nights out on the beer and so on regularly . Which isn’t a proem at all for me, We all only live once ... when it comes to me being invited anywhere or going out for drinks of dinner with friends or even coffee next door . He changes , questions what I do , why would I want to goo out with them. Why I have make up on , hounds me with calls and text no matter where I am or who I’m with . I get the silent treatment, just makes me feel utter rubbish when ever I leave my house with out my kids or him. Guilt trips me by saying stuff like “it’s because you don’t come near me “ or “I just feel like you don’t love me” it’s constant . I feel so low and rubbish I have like two friends who he even complains when they call /FaceTime me because it’s apparently wired . I just don’t no if it’s me because he is making me out to be completely crazy. He’s slowing stealing my identity . I used to be fun and out going but just hate to leave the house to save the drama for he kids sake . .. what am I supposed to do ??

OP posts:

ProperLavs · 01/04/2018 22:18

Yes, he's controlling. Some might say abusive. That's no way to live.

ProperLavs · 01/04/2018 22:20

Tell him that he does what he likes and you don't question him and you expect to be treated equally. Tell him he's a hypocrite . Don't put up with it.

topcat2014 · 01/04/2018 22:21

Yes, sorry.

NellytheElephant18 · 01/04/2018 22:23

I couldn’t live like that personally. I would go mad.
What happens if you do decide to go out for the evening with your friends?

IDismyname · 01/04/2018 22:23

If you get the chance, look up a programme on Women’s Hour on Radio 4 last Wednesday. All about Coercion. If you start nodding your head to what’s being said, you’re in a controlling marriage.

But by the sound of it, you are anyway...

I’m in a similar situation just trying to work my way out.

TiredMummy18 · 01/04/2018 22:24

What would happen if you stood up to him and told him you allow him to do whatever he wants so why aren’t you allowed to do the same? Turn it round on him and ask him why he doesn’t trust you and if he doesn’t trust you then you shouldn’t be together. Can’t stand men like this, my ex did the same, I wasn’t allowed to talk to the opposite sex, yet he was, I wasn’t allowed out and on the rare occasion I had permission he would call and text all night.

Bananalanacake · 01/04/2018 22:25

Lavs is bang on. You need time out with friends while he looks after the kids

ProperLavs · 01/04/2018 22:25

But Lundy Bancroft' why does he do that?' Seriously, buy it.

Mumontherocks1 · 01/04/2018 22:30

Yes you are 100% in a controlling relationship. Ring Women's Aid and ask to speak to someone who will tell you that you are.

Hopefully you can get support to help you realise you are being controlled. You are still that fun and outgoing person but he's temporarily done a job on you.

I know it's easy for me to say but start to stand up for yourself. Do it in small ways to get your confidence up to start with. Talk to him and tell him you are not prepared to put up with it any longer.

You are not crazy and you can get your identity back. I was you over 20 years ago. I used to look at my reflection in the mirror and not know who I was. I rang Women's Aid and got counselling and left my EXH and have never looked back. Life can be great.

I really want you to tell him to eff off and kick him out but I know you are not ready yet. You will be soon though and you will start to enjoy life again .

You sound like an extremely nice and smart person to me.

Original poster

Becky2215 · 01/04/2018 23:10

Thank you so much for all your reply's , i new this wasn't a normal way to live . I feel like I'm a really fair person. Never given him any reason to be like this . I do stand up to him quite regularly but always ends up with him arguing with me about really irrelevant things . I feel like he sees me as a possession , he really seems to see no wrong in what he does. Kick him out and be happy with my kids feels like the only option but how do I turn my kids lives up side down ?? I love him just can't live like this any more it's not fair

OP posts:

Original poster

Becky2215 · 01/04/2018 23:14

I am going mad , been having g a breakdown in silence for years it's the worst feeling . Especially when everyone thinks my life is amazing. I'm not even "allowed " to go back to work . Sorry to message all this on here , didn't no what else to do . Really appreciate all you comments and advice. Next step is actually sorting this mess ....

OP posts:

lattewith3shotsplease · 01/04/2018 23:23

OP,
for you

TiredMummy18 · 01/04/2018 23:28

Kicking him out is also the best option for your kids. They get to see how strong their mummy is, and that abusing and controlling people is wrong. Kids pick up on things without you even realising, especially arguments.
Can you imagine waking up on a morning and being able to do what the hell you want without being questioned or worn down into submission to do what someone else wants you to do.
I’m baffled he thinks he can tell you if your allowed to work or not!! Stand up to him and take control back of your life.

RandomMess · 01/04/2018 23:28

Please speak to Woman's Aid and find the courage and ability to leave asap

Mumontherocks1 · 01/04/2018 23:40

Your kids could tell you that you are not being treated properly. Kids miss nothing. Don't do this to yourself or them. You need help and support to realise you are in a very dysfunctional relationship.

lifebegins50 · 02/04/2018 00:06

He has the issue not you.

Can he change? Perhaps but he had to acknowledge its a problem and feel motivated to change.Being controlling works for him, his "possession" is always where he knows you are and he doesn't have to work hard to keep the relationship going since he knows you are unlikely to have options.

If you are drained you are not capable of being the mum you can be.

Start by telling family and friends, control is on the agenda so people will believe you.

Talk to womens aid.They have local programs where you can meet women in similar situations.I recall a young woman whose partner refused to let her have keys to their flat.It meant she had to let him know when she was going out and when she would be back.It became "normal" to her even though it was crazy!
This is what happens over time, your reality shifts until you are a shadow of your former self.

MariaFranco · 02/04/2018 07:51

Mary1935 · 02/04/2018 08:10

Hi OP I hope you have some family support you can gather around you. You will be downtrodden by him and him controlling your social life.
This marriage works for him but what about YOU.
He is controlling. I wonder what his underlying views are about women. Tell him to fuck off if he doesn't like you going out!!!
Have your friends over. He wants you the "little woman" at home.
YOU can't go back to work - WHAT no conversation - just "bully boy" making all the decisions. Tell him it's 2018 - not the 1950s
. Entitled fuckers!!! 🌺🌺

QuiteLikely5 · 02/04/2018 09:12

Have you told anyone around you what is happening? Parents, siblings etc?

This man is jealous and controlling and he uses his moods and arguments to do it.

I would go out. Leave your phone home and enjoy yourself. Tell him unless he learns to trust you then there is no relationship in the true sense of the word

He may we’ll be like this because he knows the sort of stuff he gets up to when away etc

Original poster

Becky2215 · 02/04/2018 09:39

I have spoke to my mum . She just thinks i should put up with it and stop doing the stuff that upsets him because I have a good life and my kids are happy . My friends don't understand . After me going for coffee yesterday afternoon he slept on the sofa , his choice . He's got up this morning talking to me like nothings happened. Doing tip runs and washing up , trying to cuddle me, I can't even talk to him , I feel empty . He knows what he's doing to me . Apparently when's he's done the things he's done I can phone my friend and go out.... really !!! Such a head fu*k because I no it's not that easy , he would ruin it some how he always does . I no this sounds like such a silly thing but I just can't help the way he makes me feel ...

OP posts:

xpc316e · 02/04/2018 09:49

lifebegins50 is 100% correct. My partner controlled me and steadily eroded any confidence I had over a 15 year marriage. Many times I almost drove my car into bridge supports, as I thought my death would be the only way of escaping. Somehow I found the strength to end it, to her total surprise.

Change for him is most unlikely; it is after all his character. If he does change, then any desire to change must come from him. You talking to him, standing up for yourself, is hardly likely to be successful IMO. I think that a third party telling him about his dreadful character flaws is more likely to succeed, so consider counselling. Getting a leopard to change its spots however is a very difficult task.

After we split, my wife begged me to return when it became clear that I wasn't going to run back to her, as she had predicted. I had all the hollow promises about never behaving jealously again, but luckily I didn't fall for them. My experience says that you'd be better off without him, rather than trying to fix his warped, controlling mind.

Paleshelter · 02/04/2018 10:05

Becky sorry you are going through this, yes he is controlling, sounds like he is very good at it. He has got you completely under his control- does he control the finances too as you don't work? I understand you going along with it to keep the peace for the kids and to avoid hassle. What would he do/ say if you just said you just said you were going out and went? What did you work as before having the kids, could you get back into it? I'm sorry your mum is not supportive, that was maybe the norm for her back in the day. Do you have support from anyone else? Other posters have good advice about support agencies. Hope thongs get better whatever you decide to do

Original poster

Becky2215 · 02/04/2018 10:13

I have always worked , in between having my children . My youngest has just turned one and I am so ready to go back to work for my own sanity. Just to have time out . Yes he earns the money so he has a lot of control over that . What money I have goes on bills so left with not a lot each week. I don't go with out at all , his attitude is " I can have what I like so why am I moaning " sometimes I feel he try's to buy me. Always say to him is rather have nothing and me and my kids be happy that be comfortable and miserable . There's more to life than this . Work wise I was in the middle of my 3rd diploma in health and social care . Eventually want to do my nursing but have missed he deadline to go back and finish it . So will have to start that again eventually.
Just don't no how I can make him and realise what he's doing he is compliant oblivious, talking to his is just not an option

OP posts:

Paleshelter · 02/04/2018 10:14

That should by things not thongs

RandomMess · 02/04/2018 10:18

You can't reason with him, as far as he is considered you will always have to do as he says. Your only option to be happy is to leave.

Your DC are learning how to model relationships from your marriage how would you feel about one of them being treated like that for the rest of your lives?

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