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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Phasing friend out.

44 replies

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 19:11

My friend wasn't there for me when I needed her. I've decided to phase her out as I feel the friendship was one sided, I'd always been there for her.

But it's difficult, at first I replied to her texts politely, sending one or two worded texts back, making it obvious that I didn't want a conversation. What do I do now, totally ignore or what? She's not got the hint.

OP posts:

northbynorthwesty · 01/04/2018 19:15

I had a similar situation so understand your pain.
Don’t reply quickly to messages . Or just don’t reply at all .
She will get the hint but she might also ask you what’s gojng on so be prepared with your speech

PartyRingss · 01/04/2018 19:15

When you say she wasn't there for you, in what context? For instance sometimes people are going through stuff you may not know about so might not be being intentionally in not there for you. Or some friends just aren't those kind of friends iyswim. Such as I have a friend who is great for a drink and a laugh but I wouldn't go to her for support.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 19:39

I was really low consistently for a few weeks, but she wouldn't check to see how I was.

The thing is I have to see her at my DS school every day.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 01/04/2018 19:46

Did she have a clear idea of what your situation was?

PoorYorick · 01/04/2018 19:52

Did you tell her that you were struggling and needed help?

I know it seems very obvious to us when we're going through it, but it often really isn't obvious to others unless we tell them. People are not mind readers and have their own lives to manage too.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:05

Yes I had told her face to face how I was feeling.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 01/04/2018 20:11

OP, i don't want to sound harsh, but from your very short replies to questions and given the very brief details as to the background of your situation, I have a feeling you are not the worlds best communicator.
That is not an insult, nor meant as one but if you are this closed off in real life, then it might be hard for your friend to get the full pciture

PoorYorick · 01/04/2018 20:12

In which case you probably don't need to strategise too much to let it fade. You could try a conversation where you explain that you don't feel she was supportive when you needed her (she might believe that she was).

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:15

My short replies and lack of details doesn't mean I'm a poor communicator, I just don't want to out myself. What else would you like to know?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 01/04/2018 20:23

Well, you're upset that she wasn't supportive when you needed her, but you're not actually telling her this. You're just hoping she picks it up from the fact that you're sending short text messages.

If you're a good communicator, perhaps a conversation with her about how you're feeling is the answer. For all you know, she may have had a ton of shit going on herself. If at the end of the conversation she's convinced you're being unreasonable and you're not, that's probably all you'll need to find the friendship scaled back.

I do wish people would just talk to each other more. You've told us pretty clearly what you're upset about but you haven't told her.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:31

I get what you're saying PoorYorick, although I think I expect someone just to be there and not have to explain why I'm upset about it.

But I was thinking of explaining to her but at the same time I'm not sure it's worth it. I did think very highly of her and I was always there for her but this has dampened down my impression of her.

OP posts:

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:36

Do I sound stubborn?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 01/04/2018 20:39

I don't know enough about the situation to say if you sound stubborn or not. I just think that you've been clearer with us than you have with her about why you're upset. If you want to know her thought process, and what she thinks about the whole thing, I'd suggest a conversation with her rather than hoping she guesses it from short text messages.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 01/04/2018 20:40

don't cut her out, it'll make more of a nuisance at school gates.... and in the end cause you and your kid discomfort. Be friendly and busy.. talk to other mothers.

If she texts you, she is kinda there for you. She is a mum with her own life, with her own dilemas. I get it, no one calls me, I get tired of reaching out, people are rubbish in general socially. Don't let the bastards get you down :) Don't throw away people that in the future you could ask for babysitting :)

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2018 20:40

You have every right to phase her out, if yiu felt u supported and that the friendship was one sided. Only you know what the situation is. Well just ignore her. Be polite if yiu see her.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:46

northbynorthwesty- did your friend ask you what was going on, or did it fizzle out?

OP posts:

ziggiestardust · 01/04/2018 20:49

Did your friend offer to come round at all? It seems a shame to throw away a friendship if she doesn’t even know what she’s done. She could have had her reasons. Can you text her and say ‘I’m upset because you didn’t come round when I was low; I feel I’d have made the effort for you.’ She may well apologise and you can move forward in future.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:54

ziggie-no she didn't...but..she doesn't like my lodger either and he's always hanging around, so that may be the reason.

It was the fact that she'd say she'd message me to chat about it, but never did.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 01/04/2018 20:56

ziggie-no she didn't...but..she doesn't like my lodger either and he's always hanging around, so that may be the reason.

Ah ha. Well, I don't know anyone involved in this situation but if this is it, there are a million possible reasons why she might not have been as involved as you wanted, ranging from the very reasonable to the absolutely batshit. The only way to know is to talk to her about it.

You can cut contact if you like, that's your decision. But if she really is dear to you, then presumably she didn't just realise you were struggling and choose to ignore it because she didn't give a shit about you. Sounds far more likely there's a much more nuanced thought process going on there.

Don't ask us, we don't know. Ask her, if you want to know.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 20:58

That happened twice!

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2018 21:00

Don’t know why posters are being snippy with you. If you feel badly let down, then phase her out. Just add a little extra time onto each reply you give her. So leave it a day, and then the following week two days etc...and never initiate.

When you see her be bright, brief and smiley but always busy.

Angelf1sh · 01/04/2018 21:00

Phasing her out because she didn’t check up on you for a few weeks seems unreasonable to me. Yes you might have been low but a few weeks can easily slip by in anyone’s life without even being noticed. I still can’t believe it’s already Easter! You are of course entitled to end a friendship for any reason, just no longer replying would be the easiest way, but I agree with other that it would be better to talk to her first.

himalayansalt · 01/04/2018 21:01

I've got a good number of friends and couldn't "be there" for all of them when they are feeling low. I reserve my shoulder to cry on only for the very closest 1 or 2 as I also have to "be there" for my mum, my depressed brother, my husband and my two children. Everyone else I just want to socialise and have fun with. Are you perhaps overestimating how close she is to you?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2018 21:03

Yes himalaya but if you had leant heavily on the support and kindness of a friend and then didn’t return that kindness, surely you’d understand why that friend would phase you out?

The OP has registered the lack of perceived closeness and is reacting accordingly.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 21:05

No himalayansalt, she's always said that I'm her best friend!

OP posts:

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