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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Phasing friend out.

44 replies

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 19:11

My friend wasn't there for me when I needed her. I've decided to phase her out as I feel the friendship was one sided, I'd always been there for her.

But it's difficult, at first I replied to her texts politely, sending one or two worded texts back, making it obvious that I didn't want a conversation. What do I do now, totally ignore or what? She's not got the hint.

OP posts:

Motherwell91 · 01/04/2018 21:05

'Phasing out' what a horrible term sounds like teenage antics to me... your adults capable of talking openly about how you each feel... rather than being petty... and not responding to texts. Just be straight to the point. No matter how much you feel this woman has wronged you there is no need to drag things out and potentially hurt her feelings and make her wonder what she did wrong.

Devilishpyjamas · 01/04/2018 21:06

You sound hard work op. If you cut people out this easily you will end up with no friends. Most adults are busy & can’t just drop everything except in a dire emergency.

Of course you can end any friendship you want to but unless someone does something utterly inforgivable it’s usually best to muddle along.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 21:08

And for me to feel like that is very rare. I'm always bright and bubbly so would understand if I was coming across as tedious or something.

OP posts:

stellarfox · 01/04/2018 21:13

If you are finding it hard to “phase her out” it sounds like she is making an effort to talk to you/be your friend. From what you’ve said I think there may have been some miscommunication and she didn’t realise what a hard time you were going through? The best thing would surely be to resolve your issues as you have to see her regularly? I would talk to her about it.

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 21:18

Thanks for the helpful replies. A few of you said you thought that maybe she didn't realise. She did as I told her.

OP posts:

Overthinker1 · 01/04/2018 21:19

I would not recommend phasing out at all. I am very much aware a friend is doing this to me now over decisions I made that she swore blind she was fine with and no matter how many times I broach the subject she still says everything is fine. What she doesn’t realise is the decisions I made were because I spent most days crying and sinking into depression and I felt I had no choice. They have no impact on her life what so ever but she doesn’t agree with my choices. Be honest and say how you feel before you throw a friendship away

Original poster

cheesecadet · 01/04/2018 21:38

Sorry about that Overthinker1, can it be sorted with your friend?

OP posts:

ziggiestardust · 01/04/2018 21:44

OP I would definitely speak to her about it and get some answers for yourself. You don’t have to be shouty about it, you can just give the facts and say that it upset you seeing as you’re meant to be ‘best friends’ (her words). She may well be mortified and offer an apology; and if you value her friendship let her make it up. Now, if this becomes a repeat issue then fair enough; phase away! But you could regret it. Just speak to her openly. I’m sure if the roles were reversed; you’d want her to tell you how she felt?

FWIW your post struck a chord because I’ve recently had a friend who’s had an operation and I’ve not been round. At first I tried hinting ‘do You want anything from the shops/can I clean/cook for you?’ And she’d say no. I should have asked her directly if she wanted me to come over; but I was always taught to NEVER intrude on someone who has been seriously ill. They’ll tell you if they want a guest. Anyway, she messaged me and said she was upset and I booked half a day off work to go and see her! Sorted! Unfortunately she was so poorly from the pain meds she slept right through when I was due to visit and didn’t end up answering the door ... and then I sprained my ankle really badly and couldn’t even drive or walk , so we were both just sat in our respective homes texting about shows on Netflix what a pair! But you see... people’s thoughts surrounding illness and privacy are VERY different. I would have been upset if she had phased me out for that and not told me ‘I’m upset I haven’t had a visit’. I got the chance to fix it.

Pywife2 · 01/04/2018 22:00

I've just dumped friends before. Go for it. Don't be too subtle, she might not notice.

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/04/2018 22:10

BE HONEST.

I was in the position your friend is potentially in now, clueless and not reading the signs because of my own circumstances.

It took two years for our friendship to die and it was me that swung the axe as I couldn't take guessing anymore. I swear to you losing my BFF was harder than divorcing my XH.

Not being honest and "phasing" is cruel and leaves the other party baffled as to WTF they did or didn't do.

You're punishing her for something you think she's "done". She may not have a scooby.

Overthinker1 · 01/04/2018 22:12

Only if she decides to talk to me cheesecadet. I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do as I have laid my cards on the table so it’s her choice. I am 100% in agreement for ending friendships if they no longer work but only if your totally honest first as you don’t know their situation. Your friend may have a lot going on at home that make her less supportive than she wants to be. She may not but you won’t know by phasing out. I hope you can sort things

AllNamesTakenhell · 01/04/2018 22:33

If she doesnt bother with you and isnt there for you then why do you need to phase her out? Surely she is already doing that to you by pulling back?

You have to see her at school: be civil but not engaging. If she adds nothing to your life but stress then just go for civil and cool.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 02/04/2018 06:55

It sounds like what you really want is to get her back. She's hurt you and you want to hurt her back. It's not going to do you any good feeling like that. Cut her out if you like, but it won't help you in the long run. You've had similar advice from others. You may well regret not rising above this situation.

You need to concentrate on what is good in your life.

I have some hideous issues to deal with, but there are very few people who want hear about it IRL. It's harsh, but that's the way it is. Very few people want to be an emotional crutch for others.

SD1978 · 02/04/2018 07:16

So she’s contacting you, but not when you had wanted her to contact you, and now you’re gaslighting her? Sorry, eithe r you want the friendship, and you explain why you’re upset, or you tell her why she let you down and that you don’t want a friendship. Gaslighting is shitty. Most of the time people never know why. Talk to her. She’s obviously in touch regularly.

ReversingSnail · 02/04/2018 08:57

What do you have to lose by being open and honest with her? Don't "phase her out", it's hurtful and unnecessary.

m0therofdragons · 02/04/2018 09:25

Oh my goodness, is this real? She can be your best friend yet still have her own family and priorities. Just because you want and expect to be her number 1 priority doesn't mean you are. All this drama and deliberate "phasing out" is not normal adult behaviour op!

You say she didn't message you as she had said but then you say that now she keeps texting you and you're sending 2 word answers hoping she'll get the hint. So, it she texting you or not?

I'm sorry you feel down but seriously you sound like a 12 year old.

Dozer · 02/04/2018 09:30

Our “boundaries” on how much time and energy to give friends are up to us. Sounds like your expectations of her were high and that she didn’t meet them.

An alternative to ending the friendship would be to meet less and offer less of your time and energy.

You’re being passive aggressive in communicating your decision to end the friendship. The assertive - and kinder - thing to do would be to tell her honestly that you no longer wish to be friends and why.

Joysmum · 02/04/2018 09:41

I’m with you OP but only if you’ve been clear.

I have taken the decision to mirror my relationships, it’s very enlightening when you only put in as much effort as others do.

My mother knew I was struggling over a period of 3 months or more and not once did she call me to find out how I was. Every time I’d call her. It all came to a head one day and I called her out on it, asked her why she’d never once called or been there for me...long silence then she said ‘Hiw do you think I feel!’ 😡 not, ‘I’m sorry’ or any random excuse even, just angrily spat out that I’d dared to make her feel bad 😔

So since then I’ve done the mirror trick, she’s not called or even sent a card over Christmas, let alone said she wasn’t coming as she always had. Likewise she’s dropped my 15 year old daughter and that’s make me angry.

Some people are just takers in life.

PartyRingss · 02/04/2018 13:56

I felt like you OP when I was going through my divorce. The majority of people I knew weren't there for me and some used it as a great source for gossip.

It wasn't until I went through a divorce myself though where I realise people don't generally have any idea how awful it can be, I know I didn't. Before I got divorced I saw other people getting divorced as like a regular break up (which can be awful) but never realised divorce can be on a whole other level in itself!

I remember being shocked and saddened at how people just weren't there. No one ever said "are you ok?" Including family, friends and mums at the school who I had been very friendly on the pta with. I developed a drinking habit and I remember one night getting in my car (drunk ) with the intention to go up an A road in the forest and drive into a tree. I was so depressed. I'd gained weight, I'd picked up with an unsuitable man who was abusive, it was a horrible time. And no one was there.

Since then though I've gained some perspective and realise if you have a good friend in your life then you're very lucky indeed. I have friends who know I suffer depression, no one checks in. I have friends who are great for a drink and a laugh but not anything else (fair weather friends.)

People are generally self involved or busy with their own family/lives and I now know it's not necessarily about you, it's just how humans have evolved. Whereas one day we had community, neighbours and family all intertwined, now we have Facebook, Mumsnet etc where people are only involved on the surface and rarely go deeper. We are connected on Facebook superficially and we are asking strangers on Mumsnet for advice we would have once upon a time asked our friends or sat down with a cuppa with our neighbour.

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