Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please, got to meet OW

37 replies

Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:25

So, ExH walked out last year, bought a motorbike and went to live with a GF ten years younger than me. Because of the DCs I am now supposed
to meet OW. She is young and has no kids.

Any advice on how to arrange this? CF ExH suggested they come round for coffee at mine, which I have refused...

No agenda, don’t want to cause a ruckus. DCs like her. Can I just say “hello OW” when handing over DCs and then leave again?

I had envisaged half an hour of coffee somewhere other than my home but don’t fancy that either now...and ExH is a competent dad so even if I don’t like her there’s not a lot I can do about it.

Thanks for all advice x

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 31/03/2018 23:26

Don't meet her if you don't want to and trust your ex's judgement.

Original poster
Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:30

I’ve got to meet her when bringing and picking up DCs. Not v reasonable that he always comes to pick them up alone. Will a polite hello goodbye do? Or is that weird?

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 31/03/2018 23:30

You don't have to 'meet' her.
Seeing her at handover and saying a civil hello and goodbye is all that is needed.

Original poster
Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:31

Thanks mine

OP posts:
MrsMcGarry · 31/03/2018 23:31

Why do you - he's their father, you hand over to him. No reason whatsoever for her to be in your presence, even if she is waiting outside in the car.

Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 23:33

Why do you need to meet her? If he's a competent father then tell him you've decided that there's no need and that you'll be perfectly polite when you hand over the children, for their sake, but that you trust his judgement when the children are in his care so meeting up 'for coffee' seems without benefit.

Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 23:36

Actually, is he prone to a bit of drama? Could he be trying to play the pair of you off against each other? I can't think of any other reason why he'd be trying to arrange for you to meet up, rather than just be civil at handover times.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/03/2018 23:37

How long have they been together?

The cynical side of me says there is something they want to tell you/ ask you and that's why they want the meeting.

I agree just suggest she comes to the door at drop off and be civil to her. If they push for a longer get together I'd be wondering why

Original poster
Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:39

No, he’s not playing any games. They’re taking the DCs on holiday so I said I guess I should meet her. But at the end of the day he’s able to judge how to look after his kids and I can’t summon up any enthusiasm for it (and presumably neither can she).

OP posts:
Bigpizzalover · 31/03/2018 23:40

I never officially met my exP partner it started as a hello goodbye at the car at handover which gradually turned into conversations, 2 years down the line she will sometimes drop my DC off on her own if they have stayed at their dads overnight and we will chat at the door. I wouldn’t say we are friends but we are civil, she’s brilliant with my DC and they like her. If you don’t feel comfortable having a meeting then don’t x

Original poster
Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:41

So hello and goodbye sounds good...

OP posts:
Coco134 · 31/03/2018 23:41

‘Hi’ ‘bye’ at the door is fine, no need to actually ‘meet’.

Like you said, you trust your ex parenting so there’s no real reason to sit down and have a chit chat

user1493413286 · 31/03/2018 23:41

I’m not sure why he is keen for it when really it’s your choice. I met DSDs mum by having a quick cup of tea at her house because she wanted to know the person who was spending time with her DD but I wasn’t the other woman, they’d split years ago so there wasn’t the emotional aspect.
If you don’t want to meet her just tell him she can come to pick up/drop off and you’ll say hello for the children’s sake, end of.

Original poster
Prezel1979 · 31/03/2018 23:45

I don’t think ExH cares either way, other than that if we meet it makes his life easier with logistics. He did understand when I said nothing personal against OW but coffee here is too much for me, this is my home...civil brief greetings will do just fine if that is not weird. Thank you all x

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 01/04/2018 00:15

@Prezel1979 I would want to meet her. If she is going to be spending a lot of time with my DC I would want to meet her. But on neutral ground in a coffee shop.

Also, Im not sure if the girlfriend was the OW in your marriage or came afterwards? If she was the OW, the more spiteful side of me, would want to meet her and be a real person to her. You are just "the wife" and "the mum" in her head. Clearly not real enough to stop her having a relationship with a married man. I would want to make her feel embarassed and awkward and come face to face with what she did. I would make sure to smile a lot at her and just generally confuse her. But I see this is spiteful!

Decemberqueen · 01/04/2018 09:35

Personally if she was the OW I wouldn't say anything to her even if she is standing right in front of me. But that's me.

TempusFugitive · 01/04/2018 11:32

I wouldnt be railroaded in to a meeting either.
You can be civil, cordial even. But you are entiled to not want to 'do coffee'. They would be eroding your reasonable boundary if they try and make you.

Having coffee a trois makes it seem like they are a great pair who did nothing wrong. You dont have to feed their script.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 01/04/2018 11:35

Say hello. That is all that is required.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/04/2018 14:25

Why should you 'meet' her?!!! Just say hi and goodbye. I wouldn't let her in your house if you really don't want to. Your ex is expecting far too much. Your children like her, that's enough.

Jaxhog · 01/04/2018 14:28

You don't need to meet her, unless you want to. (If she broke up your marriage, then I wouldn't want to personally)

I'd suggest neutral territory e.g.a coffee bar. Then you can leave whenever you want.

Caroline680 · 01/04/2018 14:35

I would beam with kindness and be really friendly. You dont need to mean it but you will have the moral high ground and if he stays with her it will help to have her on side wrt the kids

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 01/04/2018 14:40

No need to meet her. Whether or not you like her, there's nothing that you can do unless her behaviour needs police or social services involvement (and most people aren't like that)

Hello and goodbye is ample. (Perhaps a wave to all of them as they leave)

bringbacksideburns · 01/04/2018 14:42

Tell him you don't have to meet her but you will be perfectly cordial and civilised with her when handing the children over.

Stop him calling the shots - it's all about him and making his life easier.

Orangecake123 · 01/04/2018 14:47

You don't have to meet her. Don't pander to his wishes.

MsHomeSlice · 01/04/2018 14:52

i'd put the fear of god in him.

"oh lovely, well whatever will we have in common to discuss?? Hmmmmm, I could ask her if you still make that ridiculous grunting in the bathroom?? Still hum when you pee? Got a new sexface yet??....oh what fun we can have chatting about things. How are the skidmarks in your pants coming along?"