Normal or not normal?

[MamaDuckling]

So as not to drip feed. DH works away much of the time, back once a month, normally for 3/4 days.

Today he went out to see a friend for a drink. I wasn't hugely impressed (he sees plenty of his mates and has plenty of time to himself where he works). But I agreed, as long as he's back to help with bedtime (DCs are little).

So he comes home, as the kids are getting into bed (too late for bath etc), and he's banging on the door (didn't take keys). I didn't go rushing down because I was getting kids into bed, but as I get to the door - he was only there a minute, two tops, I open the door to find him pissing against the doorstep. Literally through his trousers. He's basically wet himself.

He doesn't seem pissed but then he's been out for hours and he's a massive lightweight. Think he could be hiding it well.

The pub by the way is approx three minute walk from the house.

Is this normal? I'm pretty hacked off but more concerned that's not normal? Can't most people hold it? Or anticipate that they need a piss before they leave the pub if it's that urgent?

I suspect he was drunk and given your past arguments about his drinking and being told to come home by a set time, he was annoyed you didn't answer the door immediately so decided to make a point.

You have to remember alcohol brings out all sorts of buried grievances that wouldn't normally surface or have been forgotten. I'd just ignore it. Maybe tell your kids so they can ask him why he did it - that might have more of an impact than hassling him about it, though might annoy him more too!

Is this a thread about your OH pissing on the doorstep or is it going to turn into a thread about your OH not pulling his weight etc. I need to know before I can give my opinion.

I think it's a thread about her DH using what little time they have together cos he works away to go and get pissed up with his mates while she's stuck at home. And him pissing himself on the doorstep just sums the whole thing up.

Ah, well everyone deserves some time out OP. I don’t see why you would make him wait on the doorstep unless you were doing it out of resentment. All said though, you also deserve some time out too, being at home with the children 24/7 can make you feel unappreciated. It’s a full time job for which you get no payment and no thanks. I suggest you arrange a girls night out (but try not to end up peeing on your front porch).

Category12 has it spot on

He can't really pull his weight from the other side of the world, so I expect him to on the rare occasion he's home.

I get how it’s difficult to cope when you’re bursting for a wee but if the pub is only a few doors away why wouldn’t he have used their loo before he left? Just a whole lot of disrespect IMO OP

I've been with my husband for 9 years. In that times I cannot count the amount of times he's pissed himself, the sofa, the bed, in the sink...

It REALLY angers me but he's got better and tries not to get that drunk that it happens now. I'd not say it was normal, but yes it happens.

I'm
Beyond fucked off right now. He's turned this into a huge drama about how I don't like him leaving the house, would rather he didn't have any friends etc etc.... he wheels this shit out anytime I try to pull him up for basically being a selfish twirp. Has stormed off sulking. Great. This will roll over to the morning. Except now he's making all sorts of statements about jacking his job in to come home to see if 'this' is really still a huge problem in our relationship.

Essentially, in the past, when we had a new baby, he'd repeatedly stay out until 1am it later, roll in drunk, having promised to be home at a respectable time to help with baby etc. it caused a lot of problems and carried in for a few years.... it got better, but every time I voice any kind of opinion about his choices (i.e, sure, go out, but pls be home to help me at bedtime), it's apparently me being controlling.

I can't believe the responses on this thread.

DH is home for 3 or 4 nights a month. And when he is home the first thing he does is piss up the doorstep.

And if he has a weak bladder it's understandable. Is that what I'm hearing?

Calm, I'm a bit surprised too.....

But here I am, lying awake fuming while he snores next to me. Don't know what to make of this at all. I can't keep going with him wheeling this 'crazy controlling bitch' stuff at me whenever I tell him I think he's been a bit selfish.

He was on the doorstep because I was clipping DD(2) nails which she lets me do once in a blue moon. He was there two mins, maximum. I was cross he'd been out for four hours and left me to do bedtime though, yes.....

Really what is the point of him? He's hardly ever home and when he is he doesn't want to spend time with you or his children and goes out on the piss. Why not make it official and divorce him?

I always thought one of the good things about being a bloke is, if you're desperate for piss, you can get your cock out and point it somewhere reasonable.

He should at least have done that or gone to loo in the pub.

As for the rest of it, I can't see any good bits.

Apart from when he's away.

Wow, this is not normal! He's obviously feeling defensive and turning things back on you, OP. I'd be fuming that he's only home 3/4 days a month and has to go to the pub! Does he not want to spend time with you and the kids? I'm sure he is in no fit state the morning after either to do something with kids. He's a waste of space. I can understand a woman after going through childbirth, having a weak pelvic floor, wetting themselves. But a man? The only men I've known who pissed themselves were alcoholics.

Don't let him turn this onto you and tell you that you are being controlling. It's perfectly normal to want his support in looking after his own children.

With his sulking and tantruming he is now hoping that you are going to drop this for the sake of an "easy" life (i.e. avoiding arguments). It's hard to stand your ground on this sort of thing but I really think you should. Good luck.

I'd be fucking livid if my DH pissed himself regardless of the situation - he's a grown man not a child ffs! I really don't see the point in being married to this man but then I would struggle to have a relationship with the father of my children and only see him 3 or 4 days a month. I assume he must be earning a shed load of money to justify that sort of absence as I think most families would agree a whole family move if a full time job was away from home although for the love of god don't move away from friends and family with this man

In his mind - he was a bit later than he said he'd be (45 mins or so), and wasn't pissed. In his mind, I jumped to the worst possible conclusion, and saw the 'selfish' DH again. He takes this to cart out the same old same old about me being irrational and controlling.

In my mind, I get his company and support for a few days a month. Didn't really expect him to go to pub but it was an old friend in town, so ok. I don't think it was unreasonable to ask him home for 6pm ish to help with bedtime (also huge misunderstanding over what constitutes 'bedtime' apparently).

It's the sacking his job off to come home to see if this is 'really still a big problem' that I can't cope with him saying. Countless tones in the last year he's admitted how selfish he was before, to basically anyone who'd listen. I'm a changed man etc etc. it's like he's in complete denial and wants to make it my problem again, which is exactly what he did in the thick of it before.

He's a great dad, I can't complain on that front. Supports us emotionally and financially, and won't be abroad too much longer, but I don't know how to get past this recurrent problem. It literally drives me to tears.

Yes, he earns a lot. We all lived in said country for 2yrs - and things were very good between us- but I had to move back to UK for schools admissions (massively oversubscribed area).

Honestly go out and leave him to do some actual parenting. I’d have been furious about him choosing to see a mate over his kids who he only gets to see 3 days a month. Who does that?
Can you imagine sodding off to the pub if it were you who only saw them a few days a month?
Go go go. Go now and come back after bedtime.

I would, but doing that would only serve to prolong the argument. He'd sulk tonight, we'd have cross words... I can't take it. I'm trying to juggle the kids, a full time job, a possible house sale (or rebuild but that's another story), and I just can't be dealing with a third child too.

I reminded him of the last time he was here when he didn't want me to meet a friend to say goodbye (she was moving city) for a quick coffee. He threw his toys out the pram and so I cancelled. He point blank cannot see this isn't fair.

I’d organise time away for you to coincide with his next visit home so he can parent his children. Or with you and the children so he can sit and contemplate what he’s risking if he carries on!

I don't think you have a marriage tbh. Looks like the money is the only thing keeping you there. Just divorce him. You'll be happier in the long run. You say he's a good dad - not seeing that at all. You moved back 2 years ago for schools but your kids are only 2 and 4. Your H has never even had the chance to get to know his 2 year old. I bet he doesn't even think they are his responsibility.

Well you I’d not hesitate to fuck off out, but my DH knows that, just like your DH knows you won’t because you can’t stand him sulking so he sulks and gets his own way!

Why would he change?
Let’s face it he’s gonna be a sulky arse anyway! Are you sure I can’t tempt you to fuck off out? 😬

I don’t think you are the controlling one