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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bad relationship

36 replies

tearbear · 31/03/2018 10:54

I've been in a marriage where for the past 3 years we argue non stop.
It's mostly me who loses my temper as my DH does not listen or take in anything I say so if found myself raising my voice more and more. I've asked to seperate but he won't and I can't leave I have children who are in an amazing school which suits them and in sports and dance clubs where they are excelling above their peers. I also don't work but I am applying for jobs since two months ago.
Today I got in my DHs face about something then the children came in the room and I went quiet, he was sat quietly but I said to him that he was making things up which weren't true and I don't like that.
He got up grabbed my face and pushed it into the window frame I was standing near and said he was going to kill me. i kept asking him to stop and look at our children as they were crying. he stopped but said to me that of I ever raised my voice then he would kill me.
i admit I lose my temper, I've asked him to seperate because I hate how I've become and that it's not ok for the children and if rather they see us happy since we can't be happy together.
This was not the first time he was aggressive it's the third.
I accept my part in making him lose his temper, if I talk quietly and calmly he doesn't listen to me. I don't want to stay with him he drives me insane I've asked for counselling and for us to divorce and he says yes but carries on as normal then says no.

OP posts:
Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 10:55

*I'd

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 31/03/2018 10:56

You don't need his permission to separate. Call Womens Aid, they will give you good advice. You're in an abusive marraige and you need rid of him.

RainyApril · 31/03/2018 10:58

He sounds awful and you both sound miserable. I don't often say ltb but it is very obvious that that's what you must do. The children will be less impacted by any separation than they are currently by seeing this violence and unhappiness and contempt.

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 11:00

But I raise my voice at him therefore I'm just as bad.
I don't know how to fix this. Keep going round in circles. Can't afford counselling on my own, asked at GP and there's a long wait so I gave up.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 31/03/2018 11:01

You don’t need his permission to leave him. You can keep the kids in school and their clubs, and leave him...

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 11:06

He tries to fix things my buying me designer clothes which he can't afford or a new phone or laptop, I've never been interested in designer anything that's not me, I don't care about expensive things, or he will try to kiss me when we've not even been getting along.
I told him that's not what I need, I need him to be motivated to do things without me telling him to or to interact with our children or to try and have a conversation with me once in awhile, he's happy just sat doing nothing, he does work but not a strenuous job, he even says it's easy just to be sat at a computer all day.
I feel like he not interested in me and for three years I've been trying to get him to start a conversation with me or to do something with me or the kids but nothing happens

OP posts:
Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 11:13

where ca I go if I leave?
I'm surrounded by his family all over this town and they would make us get back together I know it

OP posts:
Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 11:59

How can I log incidences of aggression or violence?
I feel as though it's not long before he actually hits me

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 31/03/2018 12:02

Your first step is to phone Womens aid and get proper advice.

For what it's worth I don't in anyway see "raising your voice" as being equivalent to "pushing your face into a window". One is at least actual bodily harm the other is probably not illegal.

category12 · 31/03/2018 12:12

Look, he was violent and threatened to kill you. In front of your children. He then repeated the threat. You need to take this utterly seriously.

2 women a week die at the hands of their partners.

Call Women's Aid for support. If you have any bruising, take a photo. Consider calling the police: they could potentially remove him from the home and you could get legal help to keep him out. Alternatively, consider leaving right now with the dc if you have any family or friends that could take you in.

You don't need his agreement to divorce - you can start the process yourself.

lifebegins50 · 31/03/2018 14:02

Are the children also his?

Contact women's aid, you maybe reacting by shouting but it is no excuse to his violence.

Children cannot thrive in this homelife, irrespective of good schools.It will traumatise them.

Don't try to solve all the problems yet, start with getting advice and support.Its likely he is emotionally abusing you, ignoring you, gaslighting and this is then making you angry.He reacts by violent threats.

You can't fix this as no doubt he wants the life he is living.He doesn't want to fix the problems and make you happy - he wants to do what he wants, irrespective of your happiness or needs.When you try to get heard he threatens you.He is a bully.

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 15:03

He says I'm the bully because he generally doesn't raise his voice I lose my temper like when I've asked him to pay the school for the fifth time and then I get called in to say it's still not been done for example.
I do lose my temper so I'm not free of fault.

The children are his he's a good dad. He just is never motivated to do anything with them outside of the house. I'm proactive in all of that.

He's never left a bruise on me although one time he squeezes my jaw in his hand so tight that it still hurts 3 months on but no bruising.

I never thought I'd be the type to stay after a man was violent but we have 12 years and 3 children. I've pushed him to this point but I'm scared.

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 15:12

It all sounds very toxic
Is this want you want for your children

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 15:14

No I dont. I want them in a happy home.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/03/2018 15:15

You haven't pushed him to this point - he's made a choice to be violent. Repeatedly.

He's threatened your life in front of your children. What do you think seeing all this is doing for them?

SmileyBird · 31/03/2018 15:21

I don't think you should prioritise the kids school and after kids clubs over their home life.

adayatthebeach · 31/03/2018 15:28

You don’t cause his abuse because you yell at him! Please talk to some proffessional that knows about abuse if you won’t listen to the advice here.

Hidingtonothing · 31/03/2018 15:41

It sounds to me like you get angry and shout because it's the only way for you to be heard, what else are you supposed to do if he won't even listen when it's about something important like school not having been paid? It's him pushing you to shout, not you pushing him into hurting you, there's no justification for him to ever put his hands on you.

Please speak to Women's Aid, they can help you work out what to do and how. It will feel like there are too many hurdles so you need proper support and advice to figure out the practicalities of separating.

I'm glad you can see that it's only a matter of time before his violence escalates, you're right unfortunately so he's not leaving you with any other option but to find a way to get out. You'll get masses of support here but it's really important you seek rl support too Flowers

sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 15:56

This is the third time. You know it will escalate

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 16:04

Thank you. i guess I'm in denial.
I wanted a divorce but not like this where I'd have to go to the refuge.
i don't have anyone to help me, my dad is very very fragile he's had a bypass a few months back and his moods are so up and down and he gets so depressed, that's also a reason I don't want to leave, he'll be devastated, I'd rather my husband leaves and so my children can have stability in thier own home, that way I can break it gently to my father and he doesn't have to worry where we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 16:05

I'm coming up with so many excuses I know.
I know what I need to do, I'm just scared. im scared of leaving and I'm scared of staying.

OP posts:
Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 16:08

i am listening and I am taking it in, sorry if I sound like I'm not. it's a big step for me to take and I'm very grateful for your advice, I hope I find the courage to leave before things get worse.
I'm going to contact womens aid tomorrow when the children aren't with me so that i can talk to them properly.

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 16:11

But what you have a the moment is just death by a thousand cuts with a lot of fear and anger thrown in
Do you want your children to get to the point they leave home and never want to come back because of how life at home is

If your father loves you he will understand
Your dh staying is a way of control, he’s not going to give you want you want, he basically thinks nothing of you. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but people do not treat people they love like that
Nor do they shout at them all the time

Original poster
tearbear · 31/03/2018 16:40

You're right. I don't want my children to be unhappy in this home, I want them to love their home and both parents.

My dad was with me when he had his heart attack and my mum was away and I got blamed for it as apparantly if I'd done a better job looking after him it wouldn't have happened so I'm worried to do anything that may cause him distress.

I have looked up womens aid on the internet and they have great advice so I will be ringing them tomorrow to see what they advise too.

I need to create a happy home for my children. That's who I need to think off.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 31/03/2018 21:36

Not just them OP, you matter too Flowers I understand not wanting to upset your dad while he's fragile but your safety is paramount, I doubt he'd be any less upset if something happened to you. As for everyone else I would just answer any criticism with 'it wasn't safe for me to stay', most people would struggle for a comeback to that.

I hope WA can help you figure something out that means you can stay and he has to go but I would be mentally preparing for having to go yourself just in case. Even if you have to go into a refuge initially there will come a point where you're settled again with DC in a happy home, that will never happen if you stay with him. Hope the call goes well, we'll be here if you need to talk it through afterwards.