bad relationship

[tearbear]

I've been in a marriage where for the past 3 years we argue non stop.
It's mostly me who loses my temper as my DH does not listen or take in anything I say so if found myself raising my voice more and more. I've asked to seperate but he won't and I can't leave I have children who are in an amazing school which suits them and in sports and dance clubs where they are excelling above their peers. I also don't work but I am applying for jobs since two months ago.
Today I got in my DHs face about something then the children came in the room and I went quiet, he was sat quietly but I said to him that he was making things up which weren't true and I don't like that.
He got up grabbed my face and pushed it into the window frame I was standing near and said he was going to kill me. i kept asking him to stop and look at our children as they were crying. he stopped but said to me that of I ever raised my voice then he would kill me.
i admit I lose my temper, I've asked him to seperate because I hate how I've become and that it's not ok for the children and if rather they see us happy since we can't be happy together.
This was not the first time he was aggressive it's the third.
I accept my part in making him lose his temper, if I talk quietly and calmly he doesn't listen to me. I don't want to stay with him he drives me insane I've asked for counselling and for us to divorce and he says yes but carries on as normal then says no.

This sounds bloody unhealthy for all of you, your poor kids are seeing stuff they shouldn’t have to witness, please get some help to leave, no one should choose this

Its all crumbling down around me so I need to take control and get help.

I feel for the children, he told them just today that we're not going on our holiday to Spain anymore. They were heartbroken. The had already picked out what clothes a s shoes they were going to take plus activity books for the plane etc..

I had told him to please take them without me as they were looking forward to it and to take his mum or sister to help with the children as Lord knows he can't handle them on his own but no he would rather cancel the whole thing.

He's punishing me through them.

our eldest goes to a language class every weekend and the tutor told me he wasn't himself today, this is because of what he witnessed. That gave me a wakeup call for sure.

If he is physically violent again, call the Police. They will likely issue him with a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). This will ban him from the house and any contact with you for a period of days (e.g. 30 days). He would have to attend court and will be bound to stick to the DVPO or face jail. This is a temporary order which allows couples the chance to cool off. It could be the wake-up call he needs. Shame that something has to happen though to trigger it. Following on from this you would get lots of support for the long-term.
You might want to start taking copies of any financial documents, bank statements etc if you are thinking of separating permanently.
Sending you

You mention that you have to nag him to pay school fees and you don't work. Can he afford this lifestyle? I think you have to accept that you need to become financially independent and start changing your lifestyle and your children's expenses now. It will be a shock to them if you cling on to thid lifestyle and he doesn't fund it post-separation/divorce.

Which do you think your children need more long term, a mother or their school?
You are far more important to them than any school (even if they don't say that). No school however wonderful will make up for living in a home where domestic abuse is taking place.

State schools aren't that bad. And a settlement could include school fees, which if enforceable through the courts will be far less hassle than you nagging.

Have you had your jaw looked at by a doctor? He could have done deeper damage.

Please phone Women's Aid, they might even be able to help you get him out.

They go to a state school, its fees for trips dinners snacks and after school clubs so it's even more embarrassing that he never ever pays on time because it's not like it's a massive amount, the staff are forever asking me to pay when he's told me he'll sort it.
I've paid myself a few times but he always tells me don't worry I won't forget but then I go to pick the children up and get called into the office to say he still hasn't paid.
I have a little money of my own but I am looking for a job now that my youngest is going to school, it wasn't possible before because the costs of childcare wouldn't meant I'd hardly be bringing anything home so there seemed no point plus I was finishing up a course.
My youngest was today reenacting what he did the other day They won't forget this will they?
I am keeping my distance as much as I can and sorting things out to leave. I don't want to but I know I have to keep strong.
I have spoken to womens aid and got advice off them. I'm going to speak to my parents to see if I can stay with them for a while.
If i tell him I'm leaving or want to leave he will go insane so I can't until everything s in order.

Again, don’t ask for his permission, you can leave any time. If your children need to change schools, then so be it. They’ll survive, but if his violence towards you means you may not.

So you were blamed for causing your dad's heart attack? Do your family often blame you for things that cannot possibly be your fault? Are you used to taking responsibility for things going wrong, because it's in your background to do so?

You didn't cause your husband to be violent. Lots of people raise their voices (especially when in relationships with men who don't lift a finger and expect to be worshipped for it) and they DO NOT get their faces shoved into a window and told they will be killed and they don't believe that they caused the behaviour that would provoke this.

I think your family have conditioned you to always think you are to blame for other people's failings. You aren't.

Many abusive men don’t shout. They drip drip drip until you explode. Then it is all YOUR fault. Any violence stemming from the argument is YOUR fault because you shouted.

Order why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your ‘D’H sounds like a water torturer. Be safe. Get out. Your children will thank you and be much happier.

He's always been the kindest person I know. kind to a fault. A lot of people say he's too nice but hes changed recently.
We've always wanted another child and recently realised we can't, although I'm sad I'm so happy and grateful with what I have in life but I think it's upset him and the fact that his siblings and mine are doing very well with careers and businesses and family etc...
We've not been doing well in our marriage as I've had pnd which is being treated and he never pays me attention or affection and I feel as though I have to get angry for him to eve acknowledge me.
That's why I think it's my fault because I do get angry, there's no denying it.

oh and my family didn't accuse me of causing the heart attack outright but they make me feel that way and say things like I should've given my dad more time and attention and not let him do so much on his own.