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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying with him for the kids?

34 replies

SavReeWil · 30/03/2018 20:53

Please help! I wrote a post not long ago about becoming a single mom. Since then I've said to my son's dad to try again, as friends at least to try for our children. Basically he's not trying at all. He frustrates me, upsets me and frankly couldn't give a care in the world unless it effects him.

So my question is. Do I face it all. The long hard years of being a single parent as people keep telling me it will be HARD! Like I'm choosing it willy-nilly..... Or keep letting him destroy me bit by bit, hide it from the kids and hope they are happy living with us both if I hide it and cry when they aren't here. I know it sounds dramatic but it's the truth. I have no one to help me with the boys. Everyone's busy with their own lives so it really is single parent if I take that route.

Please. I have no idea what's best.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 20:56

Do you work? Are they in childcare? What are their ages?

Will their dad see them if you leave? Every other weekend, or closer to 50/50, or?

My life is way easier as a single parent compared to when I was with my ex. I left when DC were under 4, now they are school age and it's easier every year

KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse · 30/03/2018 21:01

Single parent here since dd was born and I also foster.

It's really not that hard. Nowhere near as hard or lonely as living with someone who doesn't care about you.

I suppose financially it's harder in most cases but even then you're in charge of the money so can prioritise what you think is important.

There's nothing harder, loneliest or more soul destroying for you and dc than living in a miserable, abusive or tense household.

char187 · 30/03/2018 21:03

Being a single parent isn't easy....but it's better than being in an unhappy relationship 100%. Single parenting is hard but you get used to it and adapt fairly quickly as long as you are sure it's what you want. I did it and never looked back.

Now bringing my dcs up without the pressure of a crappy relationship. No pressures of trying to co-parent with a complete at utter twat.

It's hard but it out weighs staying. You should never stay for your dcs. It just makes everyone miserable

Original poster
SavReeWil · 30/03/2018 21:20

I do work. 8am-1pm Monday to Friday. My 2 ds's are in nursery 3 days while I work and my mother has them one day and their dad has them the other. So he has alone/quality time with them then.

They are 2 years old and 8 months old now.

I've said he could have them instead of my mom the other day and a day on the weekend and and afternoon here and there so near enough 50/50.

He went away for work for a few nights a couple weeks ago and it was as if my DC sensed it an were up at all hours. Crying. Not settling. I know it's probably coincidence but I was just so stressed! As they wake each other then.

I pretty much do it alone now. But it's nice to know there's a fall back if something happens at night I can ask him to look after one child and I do the other.

Wow to fostering also! I wish I had the strength you seem to have!

I just feel like I will have failed my children if I don't continue to try but at the same time I'm turning into a mess. And I don't know which is worse. My parents split ehen I was a teenager and I always thought to myself I will never let that happen for my children. But I don't seem to have a choice. I've tried all I can think to do. We even did counciling.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 30/03/2018 21:26

Rings single mum is no where near as hard and miserable as staying in a relationship that isn’t working.

Thebluedog · 30/03/2018 21:26

Being not rings

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 21:32

They will be unsettled by any change in routine but that's true for literally every human being, including adults! It's not a sign that you're ruining their lives... It's a natural reaction to change and then they adjust and it's as if it never happened.

My DC were really sad to leave the family home but they were older than yours mostly... This is truly the best age to go. The later you leave in the worse and worse it may affect them. You know how hard it was when you were a teen! When they're as little as you describe, they will barely be affected, if at all.

It's up to you, but if it were me I'd split asap. Why torture yourself and delay what truly sounds to be inevitable. And the longer you wait the harder it is on the children. No brainer imo

Skimmia · 30/03/2018 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quietlife1979 · 30/03/2018 21:42

I raised dd1 for 15 years by myself. Yes it was hard but no harder than now. It’s just different issues that you over come.

I’m now married with another two dd. Myself and dh have our ups and downs and at times I’ve thought about our kids and dig deep not to throw it all away BUT dh is not a horrible man, we have lots of laughs and we love each other.

Sticking with some one just for the kids won’t work especially one one half is proper milking the free pass.

Original poster
SavReeWil · 30/03/2018 21:47

Thank you to all who have replied.

Guess I'm just scared! I hope my boys don't hate me for it in the future as their dad has a way seeming so innocent, I'm sure him and his family will find a way to make it my fault as he's said before it's my fault if the boys get hurt as I'm the one choosing to end it Angry

And I hope I'm enough for them.

OP posts:
char187 · 30/03/2018 21:52

@SavReeWil give your boys 100%. You can be the mother you want to be for them without him getting in the way. Give them your all, all your love, your time etc. They will grow up and realise who was there for them and who made them who they are. It will be frustrating at times but they will learn. Long as you show them all your love and support, you can't go wrong.

Starlight2345 · 30/03/2018 22:06

I stayed in my marriage far too long . One thing I learnt if only one person tries it will never work.
I am a lp it is tough at times but never as tough as doing it alone within a marriage.

Quietlife1979 · 30/03/2018 22:10

sav kids are generally happy if there mum is happy. Happy mum - happy home.

Original poster
SavReeWil · 30/03/2018 22:11

@char187
Thank you. I hope they see it this way, they are my life and I'd do anything for them, hopefully they see this! . And I hope they have the understanding when they are older that not all relationships are doomed like ours.

Thank you all for your kind words, advice and support. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
SavReeWil · 30/03/2018 22:14

And just huge commendations to those who've had the experience to pass on the advice! You all sound like brilliant mom's. I hope I can do the same.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 30/03/2018 22:18

If you stay in an unhappy marriage “for the kids”, they will fairly soon realise this, and feel a terrible burden of guilt at what they have caused you to suffer. Also, you will be giving them a role model of marriage as an unhappy tense thing that doesn’t meet anyone’s needs- do you want them to repeat that in their own future marriages?
I was widowed when my kids were babies, which is slightly different, but I managed to raise them on my own and they are both now happy adults. Single parenthood is tough, but hugely preferable to spending your whole life unhappy and loving a lie. Sending you best wishes and courage, for whatever choice you make.

LotsOfSlats · 30/03/2018 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilymossflower · 30/03/2018 22:32

Yes u can be a single mum. It's hard but ide choose it any day over what your describing. Your strong, believe in yourself! X

Original poster
SavReeWil · 31/03/2018 08:06

Your right, No it's definitely not what I want my boys to have as their role model of a relationship. I hope they never treat their partners as he's treating me.

I hope by doing the right thing for them they do see it wasn't my fault in the end.

Thank you! You've all been a massive help in such a tough decision. Felt like I was stuck like ground hog day. The situations Never got better for over 6 months now so I guess its never going to unless he pulls his head out his a**. But I'm just going to have to get on with it and hopefully all be happier this way. Thank you, for being there all of you when I thought I had no one. :)

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
pudding21 · 31/03/2018 08:16

Op the thought of being alone paralysed me for years. Ex has the boys probably 40% of the time and it's actually much easier. Would be hard If i had full care of them I'm sure but I treasure the time we have and enjoy now my free time.

I was miserable in my relationship, kids are actually loads happier and thriving. I work full time, kids have loads of activities but we love our life!

He's still miserable but has stepped up a bit with the kids. I wish I had done it years ago.

Cat2014 · 31/03/2018 08:22

Honestly - it’s not ideal but actually easier on me than all living together was. When I have ds I get to do things my way, there are no argements or relationship angst around ds. And when he’s with ExH I get a bit of a break to have my own life. The hardest area is the finances

Cat2014 · 31/03/2018 08:22

And obviously it’s arguably not as good for ds as being part of a traditional family unit but he has got used to it and I think he sees me happier and less anxious which is better for him in that way

Olympiathequeen · 31/03/2018 10:40

You sound emotionally invested in this man rather than it being a simple financial option.

You need to decide what you really want.

Maybe if you just accept he is helping to support you and his children financially and no more than that and just live separate lives except where the children are concerned.

If that’s not enough for you then you have to move out or ask him to move out, and start again on your own.

Original poster
SavReeWil · 31/03/2018 11:55

I've tried the option of only doing it as you've said @Olympiathequeen but for example I say can you buy this for the boys or do this for the boys. He either doesn't, makes an excuse that he's to busy or forgets is his favourite. I don't love him anymore but still I wanted to try to be friends and parent that way. But he seems in capable of helping me out in anyway unless it benifts him. I struggle for money, express it to him. Nothing changes. I tell him I'm stressed with work and boys and whatever else comes up.. he doesn't care, he's more stressed is his answer etc.

I've tried. Believe me. I've let so much stuff go when it's annoyed/upset me. But he's straight on to me if I've upset him in s tiny way etc.

It's not that it's not enough for me. But when he respects me so little, does nothing for us, so happy to jump down my throat if I upset him and just gets to play happy families without actually contributing how do I deal with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
SavReeWil · 31/03/2018 11:56

Also if I question why he's not brought something or done something. It's I forgot. I can't help if I've forgotten. That's just who I am. Deal with it.

OP posts:
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