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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell friends and family about all the nasty things your STBX has done?

31 replies

neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 15:47

Hi there! Well basically the title says it all. My STBX has done really awful things and has me cornered at the moment. I just hate the idea that somebody thinks he is such a stand up guy. Am I such a terrible person for thinking this? We have children together, but they are small. It really makes me sad that they have such a person for a father (I have no intention of ever telling them that though).

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 30/03/2018 15:58

I told people. I also told him I wouldn't cover for him and keep his nasty side a secret anymore.

Joy69 · 30/03/2018 16:00

You are right about not telling the kids. As for telling your friends & family, I would choose which ones carefully. From my own personal experience my friends were so angry with my X that they launched into a full blown rant about how aweful he was/is. It was meant in the best intention, but made me feel aweful for ever being with him. Some friends however were very good at building me up, without Ex shaming ( He did deserve it tho)
The best thing I did was to write everything he'd done in a private notebook. I found it theraputic. Good luck whatever you choose to do x

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 16:06

Thank you for your replies!
Joy68, I think I know what you mean as I'm beginning to think what will they think of me after everything they hear of him. I made a very unwise choice marrying him. I did misjudge red flags, but still I never thought it would be nearly as bad as it turned out to be. x

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pallasathena · 30/03/2018 16:06

If you're looking for revenge then stop and think because it reflects more on you than on him. You can't bear the thought of other people thinking he's a great guy? does it matter what other people think? Does it really matter at all? No, it doesn't. What matters is that you need to detach from this specimen and do it with wit, dignity and as much sophistication as you can muster.
Give out the vibe that you are far too important to be bothering yourself about some soon to be pond life. People are not daft OP. They very likely already know what a prize twat he really is.
Look after yourself and work out why you ended up with him, it will give you insight into your own motivations and stop you repeating the same patterns with someone new.
You are worth ten of him. Keep telling yourself that fact.

Spudina · 30/03/2018 16:07

I would. Those are your lived experiences, and you have a right to talk about your own life.

Onlymeeeeee · 30/03/2018 16:13

My stbExH did such a good job of hiding his knob tendency, only my closest friends and family who had heard my distress over the last few years really knew. When I told others that the "close to the edge banter" in public was emotional and financial abuse at home, they struggled to believe it.

Alwayswonderingwhere · 30/03/2018 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balearica · 30/03/2018 16:18

Yup. He behaved so appallingly to me, but was sweetness and charm to everyone else. My life, mine to talk about.

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 16:20

Pallasathena, I know what you mean and I agree with you. However, he pushed me so far and so hard that the temptation is really strong.
Onlymeeeeee, I know all about emotional and financial abuse unfortunately! And some other stuff as well...
I think I've learned huge lessons in the past 6 years. I just wish I didn't have to.

OP posts:
Pidlan · 30/03/2018 16:26

I would, because I didn't and I regret it. He wasn't a total nob, my ex, but he was far from perfect. When we split, I was thinking along the same lines as pallasathena - That I was too dignified to be slagging him off, that I didn't need to do that because it was time to concentrate on me and let the past go.
But friends and family thought I was ending my marriage on a whim, and they still do believe that to some extent, years down the line. I think I would have got more support if I'd been straight with people, and whilst letting go is great, you have to face your past before you can do that.
Close members of my family turned out to kind of side with my ex in some ways, and that hurts me still.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2018 16:27

Yes .. I would tell family members...do they see him for who he really is.

It would also help not to get back with him...the more people know the truth.

FoofFighter · 30/03/2018 16:33

I tried, people didn't generally want to know which was just as hurtful as the abuse I had suffered from him. Probably more somehow as these were people who were supposed to believe me and have my back. It felt like a continuation of the abuse, and indeed it was when he took every opportunity to rub my face in it that certain people were still in contact with him and socialising etc.

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 16:38

FoofFighter, I'm really sorry to hear that. That is so hurtful. I can only imagine how frustrating everything was.
I hope you find a way to come to terms with that. Something like that would hurt me deeply.

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EverythingsDozy · 30/03/2018 16:40

When my ex left, I found a quote that said something along the lines of...
Tell your stories. You own everything that has happened to you. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

But be careful who you tell. Some people just want someone to talk about.

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 16:46

EverythingsDozy, I said something similar to my STBX when he saw texts on my phone. I was ranting about him to a friend. He got all offended. I told him that if he hadn't done all those things, I wouldn't have anything to talk about.

However, I also agree that some people are just after gossip.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 30/03/2018 16:51

I rant about my ex on here, and have told the odd thing to my own friends and family, but I know he will be putting his own spin on things when he talks to his people. I don't care. I know the truth (well, I know MY truth, as that is all I can know) and however he experienced our relationship, it was always different to how I did. That's life.

Move on with your head high, make new friends, consign him to history where the things he said and did are irrelevant to you now.

lanbro · 30/03/2018 16:55

I've told my close friends and immediate family so they would understand why I seemed to have upped and left without a second thought. Basically, anyone who knows me well knows the truth, anyone else doesn't matter. I will never slate him to my dc but they will find out for themselves in time, unfortunately

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 17:00

Thanks MyRelationshipsWeird! I'm trying to do my best and I'm looking forward to that day when I will be free from him. At the moment it is really difficult. Due to years of financial abuse and me being SAHM I have absolutely no money.

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Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 17:02

laneno, I agree with you regarding telling the kids. I'm sure that they will see his utter selfishness in due time.

OP posts:
Thehogfather · 30/03/2018 17:04

Depends on who you're telling. The Dc might be too young now, but in 5, 10 years you don't want them to find out from a third party the real reason you split up.

gildashairflick · 30/03/2018 17:22

I had an awful ex met through friends. One of them witnessed a particularly terrible incident that I reported to police. He suddenly claimed he hadn't witnessed it (he did as he stepped in to protect me) so the police struggled to pursue it. I told a few people the reality. They ended up in two groups, one lot who said they wanted to remain neutral which resulted in them staying friends and socialising with ex (including the suddenly amnesia witness) and the second group who confessed they had been concerned about me throughout and had many misgivings about him. Easy to see which group I'm still friends with! It is tempting to let everyone know what your experience is with this man but it is only your experience, but theirs. Choose who you talk to carefully and I think over time you will likely have opportunity to enlighten people on a more gradual basis and achieve the same outcome without liking vindictive. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that!

gildashairflick · 30/03/2018 17:25

Oh and I should add, when I feel a bit sad about those who didn't support me and still fall for his spin, I take great comfort knowing the police arrested him at 10.30 at night and he was held overnight in a cell waiting to be interviewed so couldn't go to work the next day. He had a bit of thinking time that night I'm sure even if they police couldn't convince cps to charge him.

Original poster
neverbetrickedagain · 30/03/2018 17:31

gildashairflick, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through all that. It's horrible being let down by friend on top of what you went through with your ex.
I'm absolutely certain that much better days are coming and that my life and lives of my children will be full of sunshine and laughter. I will be careful who I talk to though.

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gildashairflick · 30/03/2018 19:41

@neverbetrickedagain the 'friend' who suddenly couldn't remember what he witnessed will have to live with that for the rest of his life. Especially as I know all subsequent Lerner's have been subjected to the same (and all before me i since found out). Given his professional role it's additionally galling but he has stood by the wrong side and that says more about him than me. That said my life is a million times better now and I don't need men (friend and ex) like that in my life. You will be fine. Accept some people won't want to hear your version if events, not always because they don't care but they may have their own life experiences that make it too difficult for them or they care about you too much to even think of you vulnerable and being harmed by someone in their midst. A life well lived is the best outcome for you x

iklboo · 30/03/2018 19:48

No one knows even a fraction of what ex-p did. Not even my parents or DH.