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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh very distant from D's.He didn't say happy.birthday to him.What can I do?

37 replies

whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 09:43

Dh has never been close to D's.He used to take dd.places.and it was obvious that they shared to same interests and music.Dd was more confident.
Then D's told us he was gay.I suspected.and respected.him more for telling us.Dh was shocked.and took time to.adjust to the idea. This week was his birthday he is still.a teen and lives at home.I bought and wrapped.a.few.presents and asked dh to buy his favourite sweets.
On the day dh went to work at 5 am so I suspected he would call as we all work shifts.D's went out all night then then following eve was there with dh when I got home at 1030.
I asked dh have you spoken to D's and he hadn't.
D's told me he is upset with dh for not wishing him happy birthday all he did was add to a three dd started on Facebook.Thread**.
I love D's to bits and hate to see him hurt.Help.

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 30/03/2018 09:46

That's horrible. Have you sat down and spoken to your dh to see what's going on?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 10:16

Yes several times.in the last.eight.or so years.I pointed out doing everything for one DC looks bad for the other one as my DM favoured my db over us and its causes hurt.I've tried lots of suggestions to get them to bond.Dh gets annoyed when I point it out.Last night we did the b day cake and I asked dh to wish him happy b day which he did.He hasn't asked about his driving lessons so doesn't.know D's has a mock test next week.Its dreadful.

OP posts:
Ragusa · 30/03/2018 10:18

I couldn't be with a person like that. Sorry.

Mookie81 · 30/03/2018 10:20

He's an absolute cunt to your son and sounds homophobic to boot. Your child is the priority. He either fixed up or gets the fuck out.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 10:34

Before anyone else says it I know we all place different priorities on birthdays and he did add a message on a thread when it was his golf buddies birthday he said he was off to the pub last Fri when I was off (we don't see each other as I work w ends and eves).I said I thought we were eating together he sulked so much iand said didn't I realise it was X... birthday like it was important.Tbh m sick of it and have no idea how he can be so distant and live in the same house.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 30/03/2018 11:02

You could leave. Like your past 143 threads have said you were planning to do

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 11:10

How does this help D's? I have previously said I can't afford to and if you knew me would know df was gravely I'll and died a few months ago.Also I started a new job so working 55/ hour weeks never see him.

OP posts:
borlottibeans · 30/03/2018 11:13

I think that it would help your son to see that you don't condone the way his dad is treating him.

Ragusa · 30/03/2018 11:30

It eould help because you would be standing up for your son. Standing up to an emotional bully. Which is what your son needs. To feel someone has his back.

Surely eorking so many hours puts you in a better financial position to separate.

notapizzaeater · 30/03/2018 11:40

Your son would see you prioritise him ....

I'd be furious if dh didn't wish ds happy birthday, tbh it only takes seconds

Oddcat · 30/03/2018 11:51

Your poor son, you need to protect him from this emotional abuse .

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 12:19

I do not condone dh s behaviour. I have to be the disciplinarian and general supporter of D's without making him into a mummy's boy.
Last night dh got huffy when I pointed out that D's s birthday was Tue....he apologised to D's when.asked him to.I think D's.despises him or is just hurt.:(

OP posts:
Gloryificus · 30/03/2018 12:25

Your DH needs to grow up, be a parent and stop acting like a disgruntled sibling that mom has to correct his behaviour around his younger siblingsHmm

What a joke imagine someone telling you OP to wish your own child happy birthday.... Sounds ridiculous doesn't it!

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 13:28

Tbh D's has made lots of friends here since coming out. Previously he was almost a.recluse in his room.He has a new fulltime job and his d grandad died in the autumn more upheaval is all he needs.
Dh s brother recently.had a go at him for not visitingI know everyone is different but a simple remembering wouldn't hurt.Xmas he is the same......no presents.from him for either dcs.I pointed out the dcs would notice he said he doesn't care.

OP posts:
RebeccaWrongDaily · 30/03/2018 13:35

what you are doing is showing your son he doesn't matter to either parents because his dad is a twat and you are tacitly agreeing to him treating your son poorly by staying with him.

Mookie81 · 30/03/2018 13:38

Your updates are making you sound pretty bad. Upheaval isn't always a bad thing; it's a positive if it gets him away from a toxic parent.
Sort yourself out and look after your child for God's sake.

PrizeOik · 30/03/2018 13:40

As you've been told in a million threads, your dh is useless. If you insist you can't leave him, then I'm not sure why you're still, after literal years, trying to get dh not to be a shit parent and partner?

Let it go. Concentrate on your children. You can't control your dh, only yourself so why do you still expend energy on trying?

Adora10 · 30/03/2018 13:49

A million threads, so there's worse than this???

Sorry OP, no idea how you can live with a man that abuses your son, and it is abuse; even neglect actually, he is and will grow up to be a very unconfident young man and will never feel he is good enough, you are prioritising your OH over your child who he makes it quite clear to he has no interest in, awful.

RidingWindhorses · 30/03/2018 13:52

As you've been told in a million threads, your dh is useless. If you insist you can't leave him, then I'm not sure why you're still, after literal years, trying to get dh not to be a shit parent and partner?

This.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 30/03/2018 14:15

I am amazed.everyone thinks I haven't had enough to deal with in the last few years with.both parents on chemo.holding down a job getting dcs through exams and coping with panic attacks.Perhaps now I can think straight now I've had time to adjust to dfs death.and support my DM which I've failed miserably at while working 55 hour weeks.!

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 30/03/2018 14:20

Everything you've had to deal with has been all the harder because you insist on clinging to your useless arse of a husband. Is he still insisting you sleep on the floor?

tinkanman · 30/03/2018 14:24

You're sounding very selfish. You need to leave DH for DS sake

Mrsmadevans · 30/03/2018 14:37

I wish there were an ignore button here

Gloryificus · 30/03/2018 14:42

Because you've had enough to deal with you shouldn't have to deal with a shit distant man who can't even parent his children in same way.
Life's too short to wait for him to change
Life's too short to have to micromanage a man to be a father
You ds will be adult and this is what he'll remember from his childhood man who ignored him favoured his sister, a man who just couldn't be arsed!

GetAwayFromHer · 30/03/2018 15:03

It's DS (Dear Son). Your posts are confusing.

You have had a lot to deal with, but a supportive DH would have helped with all of that. You can't change him. The only thing you can do is demonstrate to him and your son that you don't accept his behaviour