Depressed DH..,

[Doremisofarsogood]

My DH has been on citalopram (spelling??) for 3 years now. I found out after a year when he emailed me at work to tell me. Have never really got to the bottom of why, just that it helps "level out his moods". Except it really doesn't! He's so up and down lately I never know which version of him will come home. It could be the hyper-sexed DH dry humping me and groping at every opportunity, it could be lovey dovey DH being a bit romantic, it could be fun living DH wanting to have a few drinks and a laugh or it could be snappy irritable DH picking at everything. I never know which it'll be and it's so hard constantly adjusting to the different moods. I try to understand as best I can but he doesn't realise its hard for me too. The anti depressants don't seem to make any difference and he point blank refused to go to counselling, he thinks pills are the answer. I just don't know how to help him or how to make his life easier. I love him and am committed to him but he makes it so bloody hard sometimes! Hoping that someone with experience of this will be able to help me, I'm just getting worn down by it all. Thanks in advance x

Maybe put the onus back on him to help himself and to make your life easier. You're bending over backwards to smooth his path perhaps too much and he's oblivious.

If he isn't getting any better but prefers to rely on pills, he needs to change his pills. Also, are you sure of the diagnosis or might he have let you think it's depression when it's actually something else?

I personally think counselling is better than pills as pills just mask it. The only thing he's really said is that he has huge separation anxiety with me and our DD and always worries that something will happen to us if we're not with him. I think everyone has these worries to some extent but most people are able to rationalise it. That's where I think counselling would give him the tools to manage these thoughts but he won't consider it and is happy to carry on taking the pills....I do try to make his life easier but not sure what else to do! I think he's telling me the truth about the diagnosis....I've seen the tablets.

Thanks for the replies and advice so far, we go on holiday today so I may not be great at replying for a week or so!

I have been on the same tablets for 6 years, they do help keep me level. I have found though that if I miss even a couple it really affects my mood. I've had counselling and really have no explanation for a constant low mood without them, to me it seems like I have some sort of chemical imbalance. If he feels the tablets work talk to him about adjusting the dosage or changing brands.

Brys125 thanks, that's handy to hear from someone else. I guess I just don't really understand depression and feel there has to be a reason for it which I know now isn't necessarily the case. He just seems so happy to carry on as he is and isn't willing to discuss so I'm kind of stuck!

Citalopram more usually suppresses libido, so his hypersexualised behaviour is odd.
I wonder if he actually has bipolar disorder, as patients can be hyper sexual during manic episodes?
If so, there are more effective mood stabilisers than citalopram, which is purely an antidepressant.
I’d encourage him to discuss this with his GP, who is best placed to sort things out.

I know this will go against the common view but isn't this what men (and women are like)
This constant expectancy of being the same all the time is not realistic. As long as the grumpy doesn't become more common then just leave him to it. Enjoy the fun DH and the romantic DH and the horny DH, and give the irritable DH space.
Everyone has different moods depending on their day and can't just switch to a different one when they get home.

I personally think counselling is better than pills as pills just mask it
Thats just ignorant. Depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals. medication can address this. Talking can't. Would you tell someone to take the plaster cast off their broken leg because its "just masking" the problem, and they should be talking about it instead.

camiila thanks for calling me ignorant! I'm trying to understand it and this is me thinking out loud. I completely understand that mental illness is still very much an illness however if there is a root cause for it then I have always believed the issue should be discussed. Maybe that's wrong but I don't think it's helpful to just call me ignorant.

Thanks everyone else for the helpful input, definitely something to think about especially to enjoy the good bits of DHs mood! Off for a week's holiday now so hoping this will help him a bit.

Like, Babdoc, I thought it sounded more like bipolar. Granted, I'm no expert, but the people I've known with depression have not had manic episodes as described here. Could it be a misdiagnosis? Either way, it does sound like he needs to review the situation with his GP as the current medication is not working. Good luck with it and enjoy your holiday!

You are ignorant (about depression), and if this thread is indicative of how you talk to your H then it's not surprising he's not improving his mood.

Some forms of talking therapy are helpful even though depression is biochemical in nature. CBT for example, helps to modify thought processes and provide positive feedback to try and reduce the activity in depressive brain pathways, or reduce the attention they receive from higher centres.
I’m sorry you were called ignorant - I think it’s just that depressed patients get fed up with being told they can just talk their way to good health. Depression is very different to just “being miserable”. It’s potentially life threatening, and needs careful treatment - which can involve CBT, medication or ECT.

If your dh has bipolar taking an antidepressant during a manic phase is not good as it can elevate the mood more.
Your dh doesn't want to discuss it or seek further treatment. Thats his call. Your call is to expect to be treated properly so if he is doing stuff you don't like call it and expect it to stop. Depressed people have a responsibility to treat people properly the same as the rest of us. I'm saying this as someone married to a guy with bipolar. Just discuss issues in your marriage the same as you always would. My dh will fully discuss his medication and doctors appointments with me and it is good to know whats happening . But if he refuses to do that then just manage your relationship as normal. If you don't want dry humping call stop immediately. If he is in a bad mood do your own thing and leave him to it.

My DP has depression & been on/off Citalopram for 2 years. He has also had CBT & psychotherapy. Medication is needed in his case too.

I often feel on eggshells around his moods. And I insisted he see a Dr.

It's incredibly hard living with some who has depression.

I think you need to put boundaries in place - if irritable H comes home and speaks to you rudely then tell him "don't speak to me like that" and get on with what you were doing. I would also say DETACH - stop putting all your energy into worrying about him (and his moods) and look to your own self acre. Forge a separate life and activities for yourself.

Have you actually seen him take the pills? Is he really depressed or using it as a "Get out of jail free card "behaving how he likes whilst controlling you with his "seperation anxiety". If he really is depressed then it sounds like he needs to adjust/change his meds but he needs to want to get treatment himself. Look after yourself.

Completely agree re: enforcing boundaries & having a line in the sand approach about some things. These could include your expectations about what he does (eg visits Dr, contributes to household chores/finances etc).

You can end up feeling resentful if you are doing all the giving with no return. So carve something out for yourself eg a hobby, seeing your family etc. It's very easy to end up as someone else's enabler.

Thanks to everyone for the helpful input and sorry for the delay. I think the main issue is that DH seems so happy to carry on with the anti depressants indefinitely. He definitely takes them, I've seen him. He has regular updates with the GP but has said the GP is happy for him to keep on taking them so he will?! I do understand that there is an element of chemical imbalance but also with what he's told me about his irrational thoughts I still think he would benefit from some form of CBT to try and understand and rationalise these thoughts that he has. I have them pretty much whenever DD isn't with me but I have the balance in my mind or whatever it is to realise that it probably won't happen and there is no point worrying about it. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, that's just how I see it and from talking to friends, a lot of others manage it like this too. DH has been much better during this holiday, may because e his work is a massive trigger (that's another story as he won't do anything about that despite hating it).

I do have my own social life so that's not an issue,hes quite happy for me to do my own thing.

Anyway I'm falling asleep so thanks again for the input, will check in tomorrow

OP-glad things have been better for you over the holidays.

Sounds like your DH is being an ostrich - sticking his head in the sand and not wanting to do the hard tasks that he actually needs to do to change his/your life. The oft quoted definition of insanity: doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome seems pertinent. Your DH knows he hates his job and that it is affecting his mood and is having a negative effect on you and the DC but won't make moves to remedy the situation.

OP you feel that the meds are not helping but DH refuses to change them. The GP is happy to prescribe because your DH is giving him the right answers to questions about their effect but your DH may not be being totally truthful. Why does he not want things to improve?

Think you need to have a serious chat with DH again and make some ultimatums (you are prepared to carry through). Ostriching won't work.

Hi and sorry for not coming back to the thread - after our holiday I decided to take some time out from thinking about all this and just see how things go. It appears that he has cycles of ups and downs, he is currently in a big down! We did have a chat after holiday where he asked me to go to the doctors with him to give my side of things - a friend did similar for her partner and they both found it helpful. However every time I've mentioned it since he fobs it off. I think he's too comfortable just taking the pills even though they don't really help (from my point of view). All this week he has been down, introverted, sleeping lots, basically he's living like a teenager at the moment! I;m doing all the childcare, housework, cooking etc etc as well as working - he is just getting himself to work and back. I understand that if he's having a down cycle then all this stuff will be hard - I'm not asking him to. But what I do want to understand is whether or not this could be improved with different medication/CBT or anything else? I feel at the moment like I can't carry on in a marriage with these constant ups and downs, and if he's not willing to try anything else I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave as he's a fantastic dad and husband but equally I don't want this forever.

How is this man a fantastic dad and husband (particularly that) exactly?. Women often write such self serving denial when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

You are well and truly caught up in the fallout from all this and he is not doing anything here to change anything about his life generally. The fact that he has himself put you off going to the GPs with him is to me very telling of someone wanting you to carry all the mental load for both you and he. You may actually want to consider seeing the GP on your own to put your point of view across.

So you've to just suck it up, nah, what's he doing to ensure you are happy and his depression is not pulling you down, ah, yes, nothing, it's all about him.

Atilla yeah I know how stupid that sounds, he really can be, I realise it's a mental illness and he can't just get better but I just wish he'd take some steps to trying! Can I actually see the GP about him? Patient confidentiality and all that? If I can then I definitely will!

Adora I guess it becomes all about him with the very nature of depression? I dunno, I have a completely different outlook on life, he won't drag me down but I need to make him see how he is affecting family life...

Mmm, how convenient, I am depressed therefore my life is more important than yours. Sounds like he's already dragged you there OP.

In that case, you really need to spell it out to him: that your marriage is at risk & he needs to see a Dr. Make an appointment & go with him.

Unfortunately at the moment you are facilitating his illness by doing everything & he has no incentive to address it.