Bad tempered boyfriend

[Natita]

Hello
This is my first thread and I can't help but feel uncomfortable about it since I havn't ever talked about this issue with anyone but him.
My boyfriend and I started our relationship 2 years ago. We started talking on skype and when we met in person we took it to the next level. I went into this relationship knowing he had some issues with his temper. We play online games and he gets angry very easily, he gets loud, he trash talks other players, he rage types, etc. It bothered me from the start but I thought it was something he would work on since he was aware that i hated it. And also... it was just games. I felt like it wouldn't be fair to take it too seriously.

I love him. He is an incredibly sweet and caring man. But its been 2 years and things are still the same. We see each other a lot more often now and i have gotten to see him deal with situations other than games and still reacting the same way!!

I am having an extremely hard time tolerating his behaviour... and arguing about it takes us nowhere because he doesn't see it as a problem. He thinks its normal. And whenever I try to confront him, instead of talking about the fact that he reacts aggressively, he starts arguing as to why it was completely normal to react that way and what went wrong and about other peoples mistakes, etc.
Last night we were in the car and the google map navigation system kept messing up. I don't know if it was the phone or the gps signal or whaaatever. The thing is: he got angry. He starts swearing. He starts yelling. He hits the steering wheel. He keeps blaming the app.
I tried to just shut up and let him deal with it since he was driving and it could have been dangerous. After a while I asked him to stop the car and check the route again... to calm down and take a break. I got ignored. I was so frustrated and scared at that point that i started crying. I did not want it to be a distraction since he was already upset. So I sucked it up, shut it and looked away. Things got worse to the point of him actually banging on the steering wheel. (He found his way shortly after that and he calmed down.)

!! To be clear: he has never been aggressive towards me and has yelled in very few occassions where we have both been angry at each other. I am also aware that I am extremely sensitive when it comes to angry men (due to past relationships ex and family). !!

I love this boy, there is so much good in our relationship. But this temper issue has been such a strong, negative aspect over these 2 year...and I am not sure anymore if I am doing the right thing by staying in this relationship. I struggle so much :( and I feel like its not fair towards him either. Sometimes I have to take a time out and ask for space. I wish there was something I could do to help him change or be more accepting of his behaviour. But idk anymore if thats the right mindset. If i should wish for him to change. If it isn't me who is just too sensitve about it.
Gaming is still a huge part of our lives (im studying to become a game artist) and its gotten impossible to actually enjoy a match together because he cant lose. When something doesnt go his way hes gone, you know... he just starts swearing and raises his voice, etc. I dont know what to do anymore. He apologises after the rants... but those apologiea have become so meaningless. He just keeps doing it and thinks its a normal way to react.

I need advice :( what do you think is the best way to go from here? Should i stay? How do i deal with this? Should i try to move on?

Thank you

He’s not sweet and caring if he’s ignoring you, if he’s not listening to you and if he doesn’t care that you’re so upset.

Imagine having kids with this man. Imagine watching them feel as upset and as afraid as you do.

He’s not going to change - this is who he is. And you deserve better. Much much better. Good luck

Run. Run before his behaviour escalates and he turns violent towards you.

This will NOT get better. In fact, this will get worse. You are flogging a dead horse. Someone with a temper is never a good bet for a relationship. You need to move on.

Hi OP. I spent 18 years with a ‘man’ who lost his temper frequently, he shouted and used an aggressive tone. I walked on eggshells and lost my confidence and self esteem.

I cannot bear bad tempers or impatience, I am very very sensitive to this type of behaviour. I couldn’t be with someone like this again.

Move on and away

Run for the hills op, there is no good in this relationship for you , can you imagine if you had a crying baby ?

I would be terrified to be in a relationship with a man like this. Before I got married and was still dating, one of the biggest things I watched out for was a nasty temper. One day, your boyfriend will turn that temper on you, your pets and your children. I would strongly advise you to leave this relationship. If you have a pattern of dating angry men, as you seem to indicate, it would be worth thinking about why that is and how you can change that pattern.

It's who he is. Change ain't going to happen so don't waste any more time deluding yourself it will.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life having to put up with his outbursts? Because he isn't going to change. He thinks anger and aggression are normal.

Sorry, but my advice would be to split.

The handy thing about boyfriends is that you can leave them if they don't work out.

Particularly if, as it sounds like, you don't live together.

Leave.

Don't waste your life.
You won't change him.

He won't change. Please don't waste your energy in trying to sort him out. Move on.

I wouldn't have children with this man - imagine bringing up a small child in that environment .

I think you know you can't live like this forever.

I know it seems harsh, because he's sweet and lovely etc when he's not being angry and aggressive, but this is who he is. He's showing you loud and clear.

I spent 5 years with someone like this, I just finished with him and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do (harder than ending my 14 year marriage) because I truly loved him, but I didn't feel emotionally safe with him.

Even though he insisted he would never physically hurt me, his angry outbursts, swearing, name calling etc hurt me mentally and emotionally. It stunted my growth as a person, because everything I said had to go through a filter. It made me nervous to upset him, it made me overthink everything in case it set him off, I was walking on eggshells, knowing that whenever I had any issue with anything he said or did that I either had to put up and shut up or risk the wrath of an aggressive man. And god forbid I ask something of him, his whole demeanour was like a petulant teenager saying "you're not my mum, you can't make me, what are you going to do about it?"

It was exhausting and unfortunately, even though I could see it coming every time (I used to play dick-head bingo in my head - knowing exactly what he would say next!) I never found a way to stop it happening - it didn't matter what I said, when or how I said it, it was always the wrong time, the wrong tone of voice, the wrong words. It's because the game was rigged - I was never going to get it right.

Having had a violent relationship like you in the past, I am sensitive to conflict, BUT THAT IS A GOOD THING! Being aware that aggression can and often does escalate protects you. Listen to your instincts. A truly good man doesn't want to scare you, he doesn't want you to feel intimidated by him, he would be moving heaven and earth to sort himself out so that he could be a better man for you.

He won't change, deep down. Or if he does, it will take him many years of therapy and reading to try an improve himself, which he can only do off his own back, not steered by you.

My ex DP read the Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters and that did help somewhat to explain why he got so angry (road rage etc) He also went for lots of counselling, but seemed to spend his time there talking about anything other than why he was a nasty aggressive bully at times. And although he was able to stop himself from physically kicking off, the shouting, swearing etc carried on and there was always the threat that if I didn't back off then he could start throwing his weight around - "what are you going to do about it, call the police?" etc. It was awful. And then the next day he was sweetness and light. It fucks with your head/heart.

Please do yourself a favour and don't waste any more time with him. He's not husband material.

Do you think he would be open to counselling for his anger or is he not willing to accept there is any problem at all?

He is an incredibly sweet and caring man.

he got angry. He starts swearing. He starts yelling. He hits the steering wheel (...) it could have been dangerous (...) I got ignored. I was so frustrated and scared at that point that i started crying.

Please, please, please tell me you can see the disconnect between these two statements? He sounds like at best an utter wanker, at worst a future abuser. It's time to leave.

You already know you need to leave him. That's why you wrote this thread. End it now and stop wasting your time.

Just to be clear this is a good point to get away from him if he's your boyfriend. Clean break no ties it's much better and you can do better than him.

Yep. Time to leave. Some men allow themselves to act like toddlers and throw temper tantrums. Problem being that you can't reason with a tantruming toddler. And grown men can do much more damage. Personally, I can never respect the sort of man who does this, I just see a giant baby who hasn't learnt to use his words yet. And yet they always seem to think they're such big men because they have the emotional control of a toddler.

He's not a lovely man if he shouts and swears and blames you when you try to talk to him about the problem.

And his behaviour is only going to get worse because it works so well for him. He gets what he wants and you shut up.

If you're not married, have no children, it's easy to leave. You just stop seeing him.

Do it soon.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share advice aswell as life experience. I think @Aquamarine1029 is right. I am feeling so insecure about him that I wrote this thread hoping someone would give me THAT 1 reason that I am not able to find on my own to stay with him and try harder... because I know its time to leave.
Some people have pointed out that saying he is caring and saying he has a temper and ignores me doesnt go together. I see where you are coming from and I would like to try and explain what I meant. We have a distance relationship and we spend most of our time skyping or playing. This is the time when it happens the most. We used to meet once every 2 months and everything always seemed so perfect. This is why I have lasted so long, I believe. I moved to the UK recently and now we see each a lot more often. Every 2 weekends. And I have gotten to see him in a more "normal" way. When he doesnt have a problem with anything he is actually fun to be around. We get along so well, we cook together, we love the same music, games etc. He has helped me financially and emotionally in the past and he is always there if I am having a problem (except if its the temper issue because he isnt able to see it). So.. this is whats so hard about this decision. It feels like dealing with 2 different people. I have tried to change him (and I know that sounds awful) but it hasnt worked and its not coming from him either. My insecurities and the reason I am looking for advice was the fact that I probably have problems with men. Patterns, like @Minta85 mentioned, that come from my dad. Always fighting for his love. So I feel like I should fight for my bfs. I feel like he is the better man and he will change for me not like my dad or my ex. And I knooooow I couldnt be lying more to myself. But thats the thing with patterns.

Thank you all again for all the comments. I feel a lot more confident about the way I feel. I do still have doubts I am not gonna lie. But you have all said things that I have thought about at some point. Specially the thing about children. When i read @Dragongirl10 s message something in my insides shrank and twisted itself and I felt like throwing up for a second. If i think of him being like this around my children it is unacceptable. Why do I let him do it to myself though? He works around 5am and a crying baby at night.. keeping him up.. would sure frustrate him in ways i dare not imagine.
I am alone here. I moved just 2 months ago and I havnt made any friends yet. If this is the end with him I dont know what i will do with myself. Being alone in a place so new is scary.
@MyRelationshipIsWeird your experience sounds a lot like what I am going through. It is exhausting and it is mentally and emotionally stressful. And the worst part ia that he doesnt want to see. That whenever I end up crying he says "you are over reacting". Its like a punch in the guts. Eventhough he has never taken his anger out on me. The fact that he is unable to see, to understand ( or at least try to) is actually painful :-(.

Thank you again for your help. I cannot describe how good it feels, eventhough its a hard decision, to have such unanimous advice. Thank you.

Well I did throw a PlayStation controller across the room once (really tricky level in Crash Bandicoot) but as for the rest of it - I’d run if I were you. He sounds horribly temperamental and he’ll only get worse.

whenever I end up crying he says "you are over reacting". Its like a punch in the guts. I understand. He’s minimising/dismissing your feelings so that he doesn’t have to look at his own behaviour. It’s unacceptable. I know it’s scary feeling like you’ll be alone if you’re not in a relationship with him but given how infrequently you actually spend time together you’re already living independently. Try and find some clubs or groups to join, hobbies where you can meet like minded people (men and women) to widen your circle. You’ll be fine

"you are over reacting" from the man who rages out while gaming . Kinda funny in its oblivious hypocrisy.

When you say it's like he's 2 different people, that's really so typical. My abusive father was like this. He could be a fun dad to be around, apparently loved animals (though was perfectly willing to put all our dog's puppies to sleep because they weren't pedigrees). He was Jekyll and Hide. Quite apart from the SA, he used to smack us far too hard and verbally abused us. I understand now that he emotionally and verbally abused my DM as well.

It's confusing, but you can't live your life walking on eggshells. I find that, like you, I walk on eggshells when my DH occasionally gets angry with our DDs. And when he gets angry with other drivers on the road. He's toning that down now, because he knows I don't like it.

I would strongly advise that you don't move in with him unless he actually takes steps to deal with his anger.

for you