This is long but requires a it of background,
Met up with very good friend late January as she has been having some problems with her DD1 so I said let's meet up for a catch up and you can tell me what is happening. Her DD1 was struggles at school academically and she is trying to get some individual support or a diagnosis. My friend who has a very academic backgound has a difficult relationship with her daughter which she acknowledges. She gets very impatient with both her DDs and has a hard time bonding with eldest who is 9.
Our DDs have been friends since they were babies, we met at a class. They are less close now but will play together, chat when out etc. Her DD1, is more outgoing and sociable, my DD1 is quite shy. We both have younger DDs who get on very well.
We spend A LOT of time talking about her DD1, and her behaviour, and her problems at school. It can consume the whole evening.
The conversation turned to a meal we had at Christmas. We were at a pub restaurant. The behaviour of her two DDs and my younger DD was very poor, making too much noise, disturbing other diners and I had to remonstrate with them on a few occasions. My friend and her partner just looked embarrassed and muttering to each other about how humiliating their children were and each telling the other to deal with it or shouting at them. My partner wasn't doing too much to help either.
My DD1 was sat at a table drawing, she hates noise and confrontation and the more they were misbehaving, the more she didn't want to get involved. Her DD1 was going up to her saying random things like do you like various pop stars etc then running off. DD1 was responding but they weren't getting on like they do usually. However, by the end of the meal they were all getting on well, behaving better and were out in the garden running around.
At our night out, talking about how her daughter struggles at school, and how she feels about herself, she said that after that Christmas meal, her DDI told her that my DD1 'full of herself' and 'too big for her own boots' and that my DD1 made her DD1 feel stupid.
I said, (not unkindly but I was not happy) I don't think you need to have told me that, as in what relevance does that one outing have with regards to the wider issue of her daughters problems. I said I don't want to hear what your DD1 is saying about my DD1, especially unkind things, they are supposed to be friends, (though reading this back, they aren't really) I said she wasn't making her feel stupid, she was just minding her own business, and keeping out of trouble , I then said, what do you want me to do with that information when we see eachother?
Well upon me saying this, my friend exploded at me, I have never seen such fury from her. 'How do think I me and DH feel with her behaviour, we have to deal with her every day, is that all you can say, how can you be so insensitive to say that, its all about you, do you know what I go through, how every day is hard with my daughter. She stormed off to the toilets crying. I sat there dumbfounded. She came back and said she didn't think we could be friends if that was the way I felt and if that was all the support I could give her. I was quite stunned at this, as we have always been mutually supportive .
So me being the peacekeeper, I hate rows of any kind, apologised for upsetting her calmed her down, and tried to make the peace and we left on good terms. We met again a few days later with families and nothing was raised about this row.
In addition to this, she told me some very personal information about a friend of hers who I have met a few times twice which she most definitely should not have told me (she has also told her husband) and now now I am wondering whether I am ever able to confide in her again.
I haven't seen her since, we have texted general hi etc. We often don't get to meet up until the holidays so nothing unusual there.
She wants to meet up soon. The whole event has been playing round in my mind. Was I so wrong to say what I did? She made me feel like the worst friend in the world.