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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does this hurt so much?

43 replies

DusktilDawn · 29/03/2018 11:35

Seeing a guy for 2 or 3 months.. he told me from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship so I called it off after the first date. He messaged me again a couple of weeks later and we met up again and have had a few dates since. We get on so well, there's chemistry and sparks flying.. but he still doesn't want a relationship. He was in a long-term relationship and the break-up was messy. He doesn't want to feel trapped again and he says he's still not had closure on his past.

When we're together we do behave like a couple would but he doesn't want to be with me. Yesterday I ended it and he finally admitted that he just wants to meet women for sex.. and that he hadn't expected to meet someone as special as me. He wants to stay friends and says if I want anything more sexual without getting too attached then we can do that. But I can't. I have feelings for him and I miss him already. He says he misses me too.

I feel so shit! I'm not cut out for dating/relationships.

OP posts:

Inseoir · 29/03/2018 11:48

You feel shit because you're being treated like shit. He's trying to get sex from you without actually having to commit to you in any way, no matter how small, because he's a total and utter wankstain. Stay well away. You'll find someone who isn't an asshat.

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 11:51

Sorry you're feeling so shit. I don't really have any words of wisdom apart from to keep your distance. You already know he has the potential to hurt you, so don't leave yourself open for any more coming your way .

I don't tend to assume that somebody is a 'player' if they don't want a relationship and won't do so now - he could well be, or it could be that he is genuinely feeling wobbly about getting involved. Either way, it's kind of irrelevant - the fact is, he's not sure whereas you already are - so you need to step back and protect yourself from further hurt.

Say goodbye and mean it. If he really, really misses you and realises you're the one who got away, he will make sure he convinces you of that fact... otherwise you were right to break it off. Either way, see it as permanent unless he proves you otherwise...

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 11:52

Ha - x-posted with a polar-opposite opinion

Inseoir · 29/03/2018 11:55

Yeah... the whole 'we'll have sex as long as you don't get too attached' thing translates to 'I want to use you as and when I see fit without ever having to actually treat you like a person with feelings.'

Steer well clear.

Adora10 · 29/03/2018 11:59

What an utter creep, he was using you OP, but, he did tell you, you just didn't listen, going back for more is only going to hurt you further, tell him to FO, he's clearly looking for someone else or has someone else.

meowimacat · 29/03/2018 12:05

Ah hun I am in exactly the same boat. Was seeing a guy for 4 months, and it was the best dating I have ever had, best sex I ever had, we got on so well. However, he didn't tell me until months in that he didn't want to commit to me. I ended it, but stupidly went back and said I'd give his way a go. Realised it's not for me at all. At the moment we're doing the 'let's be friends' thing, but I haven't seen him yet and to be honest I know it's going to be difficult to not want him when I do.

The truth is, you do need to walk away. If they like you that much they will pursue you. Sadly mine didn't even pursue me. The fact your guy says he wants to sleep with women shows he doesn't want just one woman either, so if you continue to sleep with him I'd be sure to get yourself checked out. x

Cricrichan · 29/03/2018 12:21

I don't see a problem with his behaviour. He's been upfront and honest with his intentions. You both want different things but neither of you is in the wrong.

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:23

Absolutely! I don't get how a man telling you he doesn't want the same thing as you makes him 'bad'.

Adora10 · 29/03/2018 12:25

Because he knows VERY well the OP wants more than just a shag and he continues to sniff around her for sex; not very nice and yes in my book a user.

Inseoir · 29/03/2018 12:31

If you hang out with someone, chat to them and also have sex with them, it's very likely that one or both of you will develop some sort of feelings - that's part of being human. Saying to the other person that you'll hang out with them and have sex with them but that you'll never do them the courtesy of considering them to be very important is incredibly low - I don't know why anyone would put up with being treated that way.

yummycake123 · 29/03/2018 12:35

You need to move on. You already seem to have some feelings for him but you know he doesn't want a relationship. It would be hard for you to just be friends... If what you want doesn't match what he wants then I don't think there's any point in continuing.

I don't think he's treating you like shit like some pp mentioned; to be fair, he told you from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship. I'd interpret that as he's looking for casual dating/sex. It's a shame you got along well but you don't want the same thing...

Original poster

DusktilDawn · 29/03/2018 12:36

I agree that I was stupid by continuing to see him but at the same time I don't think he should have made contact with me after I told him that I want more than just sex. We were going on dates and acting like we were a couple but at the same time he's online looking for women to meet for sex.

I hate that I've let myself fall for a man again.

OP posts:

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:36

Ok, but it could just be that he's just being honest - that he fancies her but doesn't want a relationship. Nobody has to 'put up with that' if they don't want to, and he's not forcing her to have sex, is he? They're both adults, he's said his piece, if she still wants to shag him she can, if she doesn't want to she can walk away.

People want different things - if you call every man who doesn't want to jump straight into a relationship after a few weeks a user/player/arse, you're on the road to being a bit of a man-hater IMHO. And to be honest, when I was single, I would have been more wary of a man who did want to jump straight in from the word go.

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:39

We were going on dates and acting like we were a couple but at the same time he's online looking for women to meet for sex

Ok so that's not nice.

But the lesson here is to think about your own boundaries and protection. Decide what your rules are and stick to them - nothing wrong with casual sex at all, but if you don't want that because you get emotionally invested, don't sleep with someone until you know you're both on the same page.

Inseoir · 29/03/2018 12:42

So, essentially it's the OP's fault BadTaste? And the guy is perfectly entitled to get whatever he wants - companionship, sex etc, without ever having to think of anyone else's feelings?

Rejectedwoman · 29/03/2018 12:46

Could have written this myself. Same situation very very good friends. Talk about everything. Always there for me , happy when I am happy, sad when I am sad . We just click. Shared a kiss a couple of months ago and the day after he said it was lovely but hoped I didn't mind but he doesn't want a relationship and would love us to remain friends. I left it ages and eventually we kissed again and to be honest I liked feeling wanted and the attention and I asked what he would say if I put it on a plate to him. Same response he likes me but doesn't want a relationship and is worried sleeping together could mean I end up hurt and wanting more from him and put our friendship in jeopardy as he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. More has happened between us but he keeps asking if I am sure I am ok with things as he doesn't want to be with anyone . Found out his longest relationship is just over a year. He's in his mid 40s , has never lived with anyone , never even taken anyone home to meet his family. He seems more hung up on whether any woman will be special enough in the eyes of his family and a couple of other very close lifelong friends. Says he doesn't do one night things with strangers and has to feel some connection mentally to someone he trusts before he will sleep with them.

mumgointhroughtorture · 29/03/2018 12:48

I think the majority of men are like this now on the dating scene, or maybe it's just the men online dating lol . Then the ones I seem to come across want sex and don't want a rship but then a month down the line they are posting on their Facebook "in a relationship with .... " It always makes me wonder so you DID want a relationship you just didn't want one with ME !!!

I've given up now , you can't win . You either keep having sex hoping they change their mind and they fall madly in love with you or you keep having sex for them to dump you and fall in love with someone else ...

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:49

Er no I didn't say that. Just that he did say he didn't want a relationship, just sex, and OP still had sex with him. Her choice. I am just making the assumption that OP is an adult and has full capacity to make her own decisions. If she isn't then there's a much bigger problem than the one we're discussing here.

Original poster

DusktilDawn · 29/03/2018 12:51

I should have said earlier.. I didn't actually have sex with him. I told him I couldn't because I know I'd end up developing feelings for him. The feelings are there even without sex though.

OP posts:

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:52

*torture8 - genuinely - how about have sex with them with no expectations, or don't have sex until you are sure they are really into you. I don't want to sound like somebody's mother, but surely the way to go is to put yourself and your feelings first and don't jump in until you know the other person is falling for you too - if that's what you're looking for. I'm itching to say let them do a bit of the running - but I know I'll get slated...

BadTasteFlump · 29/03/2018 12:53

Ok sorry OP - didn't know that...

Robin233 · 29/03/2018 14:06

Booty call.
Wish I'd have Mumsnet back in the day lol

Adora10 · 29/03/2018 14:32

I don't think he should have made contact with me after I told him that I want more than just sex

Exactly my point, he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings, he only cares about his cock.

Original poster

DusktilDawn · 29/03/2018 15:39

I think you're right unfortunately Adora . I was convinced he was one of the good ones.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2018 15:50

To be fair this man has been honest from the start. Plenty of women also don't want relationships, just hook ups. Sure not as many but it's not a Male only thing.

He's not lied to her, pretended he was in a relationship with her to get laid, he's been completely up front, he does not wish to have a relationship with her, just some fun. She's not up for that so she should not see him and should not have done so after the first date.

Op, I'm not sure he is one of thr bad guys, he's been honest and not led you on. The bad guy would have lied through his teeth.

You need to find someone who wishes a relationship also and he needs to find someone who wants to be friends with benefits.

Don't get all bitter but when someone tells you something then listen to them. If anything you probably behaved badly because you knew what he wanted and agreed to go out with him, possibly leading him to believe you'd changed your mind, when actually you were hoping he changed his.

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